So I (26F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for a year and a half. We definitely have some issues, but we both work on them and enjoy each other’s company.
Some background: I have gained some weight during the relationship – I’m about 95kg – but my boyfriend insists he’s attracted to me and that it doesn’t matter. I don’t think I’m an attractive person (physically) but I’m smart and funny which is why I’ve been in relationships for most of my adult life.
The issue I’m not sure I’m being fair about is as the title suggests. We have talked at length about the fact that he never compliments me and it makes me feel as though he’s not attracted to me, but it never changes. He also doesn’t do any of the other things that would suggest interest – no ass slapping, no whistling, doesn’t even look up when I change in front of him. I do compliment him a lot (he is more conventionally attractive, and I make sure he knows he is cute/hot/etc) so it’s not as though I’m not modelling the behaviour. If he does ever compliment me, it’s maybe once a week and a benign “you look nice” or “that’s a nice dress” or something else very general and unhelpful. He would never give me a compliment that he couldn’t also say to his mother.
Because of this, and the fact that I have tried communicating to him, I don’t feel he is attracted to me, and I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. He still tries to initiate and I just turn him down. This is a sharp decline as I have a very high libido and have almost never turned down sex before – I usually initiate. We have had sex a handful of times in the last few months.
Am I being unfair to not want to have sex with him anymore? Should I bring this up again? Should I just accept that I’m not attractive and can’t realistically expect someone to be attracted to me, even if we’re in a long term relationship? This is what I have been doing thus far, but past experience in relationships suggests that I shouldn’t have to accept this.
Any advice would be appreciated 🫡
TLDR: my boyfriend won’t compliment me, so I don’t feel he’s attracted to me, and therefore I refuse to have sex with him.
14 comments
If you’ve tried to ask your partner to compliment you and he doesn’t, just stop dating him.
Trying to withhold sex like this just makes a bad situation worse and you’re just going to ensure that the relationship goes down in flames.
Sort of sounds like your boyfriend has lower libido and just isn’t into that sort of thing. Also sounds like you’re projecting your insecurities onto him and his actions.
Honestly, at the rate you’re going, you’re spiraling your relationship to an end. I guarantee he won’t see it as his fault at all.
He sounds more attracted to you than you are towards yourself.
I do agree he should compliment you more, but quit being so hard on yourself. Men in general both prefer and accept larger body types as they age. He just needs to do a better job at expressing that enjoyment of your newer curves.
>my boyfriend won’t compliment me, so I don’t feel he’s attracted to me, and therefore I refuse to have sex with him
If you don’t want to have sex, then don’t have sex. But withholding sex as a punishment is incredibly toxic and manipulative behavior.
Verbal affirmation may not be his love language. I’m like that…I rarely give my wife verbal affirmation. I communicate affection and adoration through touch and acts of service. Punishing him because og how he genuinely is isn’t cool.
Just break up already. You’re not getting what you need. Find someone who compliments you if that’s what you need to feel sexy.
How’s that forced abstinence feeling to you?
If he compliments you, even blandly, once a week, that’s not too bad. Stop being so transactional in your relationship. Or you will eventually be freed from one, voluntarily or involuntarily.
I think women shouldn’t starve men of sex because it seems like a power play and very emotionally manipulative. I’m sorry if this seems insensitive but your need for attention is kind of unattractive. I believe everyone should be validated but this seems like it’ll make it worse.
Just break up with him and stop acting like a child.
Withholding sex as punishment is manipulative and toxic as heck. Don’t have sex you don’t want to have but if you think withholding sex is going to teach him a lesson, you’re wrong.
Also, seems to me you need a lot of external validation due to low self esteem .not only do you want regular compliments, you want specific kinds as the current ones like “you look nice in that dress” apparently don’t count.
Therapy. That’s what you need. Not forced fake compliments.
I (44F) have never been with someone who was doling out compliments all day long or was playing grab ass every time I changed clothes. Frankly, it would annoy TF out of me. Sure it’s nice to hear “wow, you look gorgeous tonight” when we are dressed up to go to a fancy thing. But if he said that to me when I’m walking in the door from doing barn chores with hay in my hair and smelling like horse, I’d know it was bullshit.
I would just break up with him. Most guys will use withholding sex (especially if they know it’s for punishment) as an excuse to cheat. And your self esteem definitely doesn’t deserve that! Just find someone who is more interested in curves.
Instead of playing this childish toxic ass game just break up and stop wasting both of your time
Has he told you he’s not attractive to you? You need to tell him how you are feeling. If you have already and he doesn’t change then you should decide if you want to be with him instead of withholding sex. That just is immature and doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to be in.
Edited
And to add I understand how you feel and you deserve to feel loved and feel wanted sexually from your partner. You need to decide if your going to put up with that in your relationship. Find someone who loves you for you and makes you feel wanted if he doesn’t do that for you.
Yea thatll teach him. Withhold sex for compliments. If you need validation to feel loved you should not date until you could love yourself without someone needing to compliment you to make you feel attractive. Therapy would help or maybe just leave this guy. Cause if he truly didnt find you attractive you withholding sex isnt going to do anything
RIP this relationship.
Your need for constant validation because you don’t think you’re attractive is a you problem. And your solution is to punish your partner by withholding sex, despite his insistence that he finds you attractive.
What are you even trying to accomplish with your current course of action?