I have been with my boyfriend for three years.
I am feeling sad and demoralized because I feel like he treats me differently (in a bad way) from his ex but I don’t know if I am being reasonable here or just hyper sensitive due to my low self esteem and trauma history (before you guys comment “work on those things/go to therapy” etc. I have, for decades but it’s something that never fully goes away).
I would find your outsider, objective opinions and perspectives outmost helpful 🙏🏻.
For some context: He proposed to her and moved in with her after a year. She ended up leaving him after a few years and a child and he basically begged her to stay. She had a very volatile temperament, forbidding him to be friends with certain people , constantly accusing him of leering at women (he doesn’t at all – if anything he is extremely polite and nerdy), showing up at his work throwing tantrums, constantly getting into fights with people etc.
When things ended between them he pretty much turned his life around. He used to have a drinking problem (very high functioning- still excelling at work and only drinking quietly/mostly undetected still it was alcoholism). He checked himself into a program, started meditating every day, exercising, very intentionally decided to not start dating for at least a year after the divorce etc.etc.
At this point he has been 5 years sober and kept up the good habits.
The concerns: He has said many times that our relationship is much more peaceful and normal than the one with his ex. Yet, when we fight or have a disagreement, he is so easy to set super firm boundaries and insinuate we won’t work because he can’t stand drama. When I ask him why the double standard, he states it’s because he got so traumatized by conflicts with his ex that he is now hypersensitive of any signs of going there again and maybe that’s unfair to me but that’s his baggage.
Another contrast is, him moving in and proposing to her after a year, yet after three years of us being together, saying if it was up to him we would only meet once or twice a week and there is no talk of future plans. He says he would want more but now having a child and other responsibilities it’s harder to spend a lot of time. He says if things go well he would want to get married and move in together around year 5. I am certainly no rush but it hurts that the couple of times I brought it up during our relationship he seemed evasive and dismissive.
Another thing that hurts: During their relationship he used to post about her all the time as the “one and only love of my life” and constantly saying things like “my gorgeous girlfriend” etc. He barely ever posts anything about me and the only way he ever referred to me in any of your posts is “this girl”. Never called me beautiful or love.
I feel so sad and demoralized and like I am just some placeholder he never loved or will love or feel excited about ever close to his ex.
On the flipside, he keeps in constant contact with me during the day, is very kind to my kids, says “ I love you “ a lot, involves me in all his family events, Holidays, travels, writes very romantic cards to me, is invested in a good at conflict resolution and in my better moments, I do feel like he really loves me.
The question is, I can’t decide if:
1. he is truly excited and passionate about me and only treats me differently than his ex because he has grown as a person and doesn’t want to make the same mistakes. After that experience maybe he is also more afraid of rejection and is playing it more careful. Also at the time with his ex he was drunk a lot and maybe that contrived to the passionate online declarations. (He is otherwise a little shy and reserved). I am also overly sensitive due to my own trauma (in basically all my past relationships I had this conviction that my partners loved they ex’s more than me, even though looking back I know for a fact that was not by far true).
2. All of the above said, as they say, just because you are paranoid it doesn’t mean they are not following you (meaning I could have that fear and it could also still happen to be true). I am really scared I am just a lame placeholder and he by far doesn’t have the same feelings or intentions for a long term relationship with me. I don’t want to stay and waste my time as we both deserve better and fear that I am just in denial out the fact that he feels lukewarm about me at best compared to her.
Dear Redditor, please share your wisdom!
TLDR: My boyfriend of 3 years seemed to have been a million times more romantic and passionate about his ex wife and planned future early on and spent a lot of time with her compared to me. Scared that I am wasting my time with him and I am just a “meh” placeholder for him. On the other hand, he has gone through a period of transformation and growth during/after his divorce (been sober for five years, healthy lifestyle etc). I wonder if the difference is due to him maturing , not drinking, and being more intentional and careful with relationships. I worry about jeopardizing a good relationship with my insecurities and abandonment issues (that’s been a pattern for me in the past) vs. being delusional and in denial and he truly feeling lukewarm about me and it’s best if I end things
6 comments
I’m sorry. I think he IS a bit traumatized but he also is “settling” for you because you don’t cause all that ruckus. It’s the weirdest thing but the more ridiculous and childish women act, the more men seem to “love” them. If you’re calm and chill they just take you for granted. Couple’s therapy could help or My personal suggestion is to ditch men altogether and make a life you like without the bullshit. Best of luck to you
I feel that the answer is probably somewhere in the middle. I don’t think that you are overly sensitive because some of your points are valid. The question is though is this enough for you (even forgetting about how over the top he was with his ex). Is there enough passion and commitment for you to be happy. On the surface it sounds like he is crossing a lot of boxes but only you know if this relationship has enough energy.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a function of the Trauma. It is a function
the beliefs one holds about Not being able to DO anything to Avert the
trauma.
Your fella has done a wonderful job of turning his life around behaviorally,
and that is to be commended. What is still bloody and raw , deep within
himself, are feelings of failure, castigation over his impotence and fears of a
potential repetition in the future. Yes…to people looking in this all sounds like
bullshit, but to the person living this Hell it is very real even if they don’t fully
appreciate the magnitude of what it going on. What this all means to you is that you
could be the ditziest cunt to ever walk the Earth and meet this guy. Given
Your terrible status (sorry bout that), your SO would still have a fair chance
at building a Bond with you if he was Half-way grounded.
He’s not.
He knows he wants a normal Life and relationship but has his
Emotional/Intellectual/Intuitive “both hands”
are tied behind his back by his response to the Trauma.
I won’t kid you. This sort of shit has cut the foundations from under some
pretty sturdy marriages. But…..
You get the relationship you work for. Best of Luck.
I) he has a kid with her? ii) have uput on weight during the relationship? Might explain the change in his Facebook attitude
Why do you know so much about his ex? Were you stalking his or her page?
3-5 years is a pretty average amount of time before moving in/proposal.
He gave it all, and lost. Now, he has boundaries and knows what he wants. He has grown, and knows what he wants after a toxic relationship.