My boyfriend (25M), who I’ll call J, and I (24F) have been dating for almost one year. Last month, J’s dad cut him off financially, and since he’s a freelance photographer who’s struggling to find work, he won’t be able to pay next month’s rent. So, J asked me if he could move in with me.
The problem with J’s request is that I already have a (platonic) roommate (25M), who I’ll call M, who I’ve been living with since June 2020, when we graduated from college together. We’ve kept things strictly platonic. When M and I moved in together, we agreed not to have any overnight guests or any sexual contact with significant others (beyond kissing) in our apartment.
M and I have stuck to this rule for 2+ years, and I don’t want to set a bad precedent by letting J move in, even temporarily. The other issue is that J is flat broke and, due to the instability of his career, likely won’t be able to pay for rent or household expenses.
What should I do here? J will likely be homeless by next month if I don’t let him live with me. At the same time, I don’t want to anger M. Even if the lease is in my name and I pay 55% of the rent, I can’t ask for a better roommate. Besides, my career is fairly unstable as well (I’m an author and freelance copywriter, so my monthly income varies greatly) and every penny saved counts.
TL;DR: My (24F) boyfriend (25M) wants to move into the apartment that my platonic roommate (25M) and I share, but my boyfriend is broke and my roommate won’t approve. What should I do?
25 comments
You need to ask your roommate. If the roommate says no, it’s no.
You should never just unilaterally move someone into a shared living situation without all tenants’ agreement.
tell your bf to get a job to supplement bills when he’s not doing a photo contract like every single other artist on earth
Do not let him move in. To do so would break the agreement that you already have with your roommate. and it could also leave you in a position of having to pay J’s portion of the household bills (so 2/3 instead of the 1/2 you are paying now), and also paying for his food and other expenses. You cannot afford to do that.
Not to mention, making a decision to move in with an SO for purely financial reasons has a lot of potential to end badly. You are not responsible for his bad decisions. He needs to get a day job and a history of taking care of himself financially before you let him move into a place with you.
Your bf can easily find a job at Safeway or Starbucks or a bar or restaurant. Most artists start that way until their art income is stable, pretty much boiler plate artist’s life. Your bf was mooching off his dad and now wants you to support his artist life.
Do not move in with him or make any other serious commitments until he gets his financial situation under control. To do otherwise risks your wellbeing, financial and otherwise.
With that said, you and your roommate’s rules around significant others and hook ups are really restrictive for two presumably mature adults. I would imagine you are really negatively impacting your dating life by making those types of restrictions with a guy who you live with.
>M and I have stuck to this rule for 2+ years, and I don’t want to set a bad precedent by letting J move in, even temporarily.
You don’t unilaterally let your bf move in. You can only do it if your roommate says it’s okay, and per any boundaries your roommate puts down.
You may be risking that M moves out if his living situation changes because of your bf. What does he have to lose – it sounds like the lease is only in your name, so he isn’t held to the terms of breaking it, unless you have a sublease contract with him. If he doesn’t want to live in your apartment anymore, he can leave as soon as he finds another place to go.
Every penny saved counts for you. You can’t afford to have the person paying 45% of the rent to leave. Your bf will never pick up the slack there. He’s expecting you to be his safety net, not the other way around. And even if you find a new roommate, it’s not going to be overnight so you’re going to have to pay full rent in the meantime. And you live very well with M – by your own words, couldn’t ask for a better roommate, so the odds are that replacing him with another roommate will not be as pleasant.
You also have to face the very real possibility that you give your bf an inch and he takes a mile. Then that’s conflict between you two, and with M, if M agrees to certain terms in the first place. You may agree he can stay for 1 month – and then 1 becomes 2, and then 3, and he’s not leaving while being a total mooch in the apartment. Are you ready to kick your bf out if you have to?
This is J’s problem to solve. If he refuses to get a regularly-paying part time job, then I guess he doesn’t want to avoid homelessness.
He’s just going to let himself get evicted? He’s going to find it extremely hard to rent for 7 years. Bussing is a good entry-level job (with the tips) that is flexible for artists.
If you let your boyfriend move in, he will never move out. He has to learn the hard way that working jobs you don’t love is just a part of life. That or be homeless.
Side note: the living arrangement you have with your roommate is fucking weird. I lived with a guy friend for 2 years in college. Not having any sexual contact in your own house? Is there some context we are missing? Does someone have some serious sexual trauma or something? Because this not an even remotely normal or healthy living condition for two supposedly “platonic” roommates.
Never move in for financial reasons. You would basically be supporting him before he learns to support himself. It sounds like you are trying to be super a accommodating to keep him around. But if he’s not making money, will you pay for his groceries and transit?
You don’t move someone in because daddy quit paying his way. If his home burned down then yes temporary because of emergency but not because daddy quit paying.
Should you disrupt a perfectly good roommate arrangement with a financially stable person in favor of a broke roommate who won’t be able to pay the bills? Therefore leading to a situation where you’ll both be struggling?
***HELL*** no.
Dude, why the hell are you even considering this?
>When M and I moved in together, we agreed not to have any overnight guests or any sexual contact with significant others (beyond kissing) in our apartment.
I’m sorry; what? No healthy roommate relationship has this restriction. Whose idea was this? (I think I know the answer to this; it’s also indicated in your insistence on telling us, several times over, that your roommate is platonic.)
His father cut him off for a reason. Do NOT be his crutch. He has a lesson here to learn- and that lesson is to get off his ass and survive- like everyone else.
You don’t need to carry him- he will do the same thing he did when his dad was paying and will continue to be a mooch.
That is not something you want in life, it is exhausting and you will be the breadwinner.
He needs to figure it out himself- you are not his parent. If he ends up homeless it is NOT your fault, it will be his solely and/or his parents. I doubt they will let him be homeless ….
The roommate situation is a goldmine don’t ruin it. Also it seems like your bf needs to get his shit together. It’s hard wanting to stay true to your work but temporarily he can get a job
Red flags from everyone in this story
Pretty fucking weird to not permit adults to have sex with your significant others in your own fucking home. Almost like one of you has feelings for the other but won’t admit it, but doesn’t want to be around the other if sex is involved. But like… whatever floats your boat. Ultimately, that’s between you and your roommate.
For the question at hand, your BF needs to have a job, and not purely rely on photo gigs if they aren’t showing up. He just has to.
That said, if you end up in a situation where you refuse him and he ends up homeless… as understandable as that move might be, pretty sure your relationship doesn’t survive that.
It’s a shitty situation, sorry.
If I were M and I said no about a freeloader moving in I would definitely move out if you did it anyway.Your boyfriend needs a job any job will do.
Do you really want to deal with this? Do you really want to take care of another grown adult.
If your relationship is so platonic why does it matter if you have intimate relations…. Understanding that intimate relations is a part of a healthy relationship. Something is missing. Did you and your roommate ever have any type of relationship? Sounds kinda sketch.
Uh that’s super weird. I wouldn’t want my platonic roommate telling me who I can me intimate with in my own room in my own home but to each their own.
As for the boyfriend, yikes no don’t let him into your apartment until he has a stable job since his art isn’t paying the bills yet. It sucks but it is not your fault he will be homeless.
I lived in my car. Really humbled me a bit. Maybe it will for him as well.
This guy is looking for a meal ticket.
You can do much better.
No is a full sentence.
Ok… y’all rules are weird but whatever. You both pay rent and have boundaries.
As for your boyfriend, no way! Girl, no! He is good as homeless therefore not only will you be breaking the relationship w your roommate but potentially end up stuck paying for this man, too! If he moves in he can claim tenant rights and you’ll have a hard time getting him removed. Don’t do it!
Drop the rope! He needs to do thighs for himself… I read comments on you reaching out to his dad. Don’t. Are you his mom? I’m assuming his dad is over his bull…. And having to put up with a grown man who doesn’t work and wants to live the good life at the expense of others.
He wants to be able to afford rent? He needs to get employment until his photography business makes it. Until then he has no choice to work whatever job, like everyone else does.
It’s not your responsibility to take care of your boyfriend. He needs to put his big boy panties on and get a real job. You don’t want a free loader and if you move him in that’s exactly what he will be. Just explain to him how you have an arrangement with your roommate and you’re not going to break it. If he has a problem with it then so be it but maybe it will force him to figure it out and not rely on you.
You need to talk to your roommate and your bf. You need to ask your roommate if he would be ok with your bf moving in temporarily. I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking the question, he might be willing to help out since it is an extreme circumstance. If he is you need to talk to your bf. You need to tell him that you are not his dad and that he would need to get a job and be able to contribute.
A photography degree is very worth less than the paper it’s printed on. Considering it’s not exactly working out so far for him there is no guarantee he will ever make enough money to support himself off of it. If it takes off he can quit his menial job but he needs to understand this is not beneath him, it is him… at least for a while.