During this couple of weeks he’s been avoidant, distant and cold saying he needs to be alone to work on things and then 2 days ago he started being sweet to me out of nowhere and extremely sexual with me. (we ended up being intimate but he kept getting flaccid) My boyfriend is a musician and he had a show today and he basically told me to not go to his show tonight and that he needs to be alone. He’s the kind of person that gets discouraged when the shows don’t have a good turnout so it really shocked me when he said for me to not go. I feel extremely discouraged.
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Before I write my comment, please remember you’ve provided very limited information paired with the fact I am a mere stranger on the internet. So please take what I say with a grain of salt.
In my understanding of men, when they become avoidant, distant, and cold like this…they are usually either going through something and are now confused about where their head is at pertaining to their feelings for you or they are feeling guilty for something they have done. They are not sure what to do so they kinda back off for a bit. It may not be anything you’ve done. It could be him.
I want to specifically analyze the being flaccid during sex and the sudden 2 days of being sweet after weeks of being distant. This leads me to believe he feels guilt for something he’s either done or is considering doing. Sometimes when a guy feels extreme guilt, they have difficulty being intimate and their brain stops them from being able to do the deed. The two days of being sweet strike me as odd, as it’s possible that’s also out of guilt because he does care for you and wanted to try to make you happy. Men also can become flaccid when overly stressed…this could be work, family, health, or anything.
Then he doesn’t want you to attend his show? That’s odd. Why not? This entire situation strikes me as a man who’s very unsure of something, whether that be you, something he’s going through, or himself. I’m not saying he’s having an affair. While that’s possible, I wouldn’t jump to that nor do I have any reason to necessarily believe that’s the situation at hand. But clearly there’s something he isn’t disclosing.
If it were me, I’d sit him down and ask to have an open and honest conversation. Tell him you want to hear him out. I personally would take the angle of being worried about his well being rather than accusatory. Not is everything okay with you two…but is everything okay with him. The less you accuse, the more he will talk.
“X, I’ve noticed you’ve been hot and cold with me these last few weeks and I am starting to worry about you. Your behavior is noticeably different and I can see a shift in you. I care for you and want to know how I can help. What’s going on?”
If he’s done something wrong or it pertains to you somehow, he will likely either shut down and stare at you with a look that will tell you something is off, maybe even cry depending on the man, or he will get defensive and lash out. That’s when you can be more vocal because you’ll know something is off in the relationship.
If it has nothing to do with you, he will likely open up and tell you that you’re correct and that he was trying to handle it on his own, but such and such has been stressing him out and then you all will have a conversation in which you can help him.
This is just my take. Best of luck!