I’m not sure if I’m being selfish and I’ve been contemplating on posting this for a few days. Basically about a year or two ago I lent my bf $4000 over the period of a few months we were living together at the time and splitting bills so I had extra money on the side to help him out, we never discussed him paying me back at the time but he did mention he would eventually. Now I’m moved out on my own paying almost $1000 a month for rent and barely making enough at my new job, I need to buy myself a car so I can have reliable transportation to find a new place to work I sort of live in the middle of nowhere and the places within walking and bus travel do not pay enough. I contacted my bf via text messages explaining how stressed and overwhelmed I am with my bills and having to walk and bus to work in -10° weather, I explained to him that I wanted to buy a car for myself so I could find a new job and I asked if he’d be able to lend me $1000 or $2300 that I would pay back to him within a month or so and he immediately refused, I felt really bad because it’s already embarrassing to me to have to ask my partner for money because I simply can’t make it for myself right now and I thought maybe he didn’t understand the situation I was in so I guess I sort of started to beg him for it and I brought up that I lent him some money a year or so back and that he could just call it even on that money to which he replied calling me selfish and telling me I must have only lent him the money in the first place so I could “use it against him in the future” he then told me I’m never going to get that money back from him so I might as well drop it and accused me of trying to “use him” for his money. Now some of you may say maybe he’s broke and me asking him for money made him feel embarrassed or something but my bf is a business owner who runs a very successful business, he has a brand new 2022 car and he has at least $30,000 that I know he has. Im really not sure if he is right and I am being completely selfish and fucked up for feeling bad and thinking he should pay me back or if I’m right for feeling some type of way.

37 comments

  1. The absolute gall of him accusing you of “using him for money” when you’re the one who *gave him money* and he’s refusing to pay you back or even help you when you’re in the same situation. Wow, just amazing. He’s showing you very clearly that he’ll expect you to bend over backward for him but will never do the same for you.

  2. If you lent him the money why does he think he doesn’t have to pay you back?

    Your bf sounds like an ungrateful asshole.

  3. You learned a valuable and expensive lesson. People who are otherwise great about things can get super weird about money.

    How could you possibly be using him for his money when he was borrowing from you?

    Never lend money to friends or anyone unless you write an agreement that you both sign. That should be good enough for small claims court.

  4. Why can’t I see peoples comments?? I can only see 3 comments rn and i have a bunch of notifications that I can’t see 🙄

  5. sadly you’re never getting that money back but there is always time to find a new boyfriend.

  6. Talk to a lawyer, get in text confirmation that he owes you the money. Take him to small claims court.

  8. Kiss him and that money goodbye. I’m sorry this is happening in winter

    Seems like an absolute scumbag

    I’d document everything u have on this for fuel and shame him or small claims court

    The way he’s gaslighing u about money?

    Thems fightin’ words

  11. Clearly you do not understand what the word “lent” or “borrowed” means. If you lent him money or he borrowed money from you then that would be with an understanding that the money is to be repaid. If you gave him money because he asked for it then there was no agreement to repay the money because it was a gift. Regardless your bf sucks and you should kick him to the curb.

  12. Stop thinking in relationship terms and start thinking legal recovery . Text him and get him to admit in writing the amount and that it was a loan

    Even text him saying “I feel like our discussions are going nowhere, and that text would make it clearer and less emotional. I loaned you $____ on <date>. It was a loan. It’s been more than a year and you haven’t paid me back yet. “

    Hopefully he will confirm it in writing and then you can take him to small claims court (which is not hard to do)

  13. Did you discuss this via text or on paper? You might want to consider small claims court. Look into your state laws and affordable lawyers in your area. You need to survive and have a roof over your head. He’s done so much for you but you are barely making ends meet? I’m glad you have your own place he seems like a vindictive young man.

  15. You are being scammed. He needs to pay you back. Do you have any proof of the loan so you can take him to small claims court?

  16. Why did you go from living together to living separate? Esp. if he’s doing so well, why can’t you move back in with him and that’d save you money to be able to afford a car if he’s unwilling to pay you back.

  18. Your bF used you for money and is projecting that fact onto you now. I hope he’s soon to be an ex.

  19. Well, he expects you to be a doormat and smile as he steals from you and treats you like crap.

  20. He sounds like a real prize. I’ve known people like that, you can do any amount for them and it’s soon forgotten but the second you need the smallest thing it’s “go away.”

    Side note: you were living together but are no longer? Is there a story there, like maybe you were already realizing he kind of sucks?

  22. Clearly you’re not using him though? You could argue back the same to him and he wouldn’t like it. Real couples help each other out.

    I helped my partner with money and it landed me financially in the red. But when my money was low, he helped me out.

  23. This is why you don’t loan ANYONE money, without at least drafting a contract of repayment and having witnesses sign as well.
    He is a thief and a piece of shit. You should try to take him to small claims court if you have ANY texts stating he promises to repay it/acknowledging it was a loan and he hasn’t paid it back!

  26. I think it depends on if your boyfriend asked to borrow money from you, or if you just lent it to him of your own volition. If the latter, then I think you shouldn’t have brought up lending him money. A gift should never have any expected reciprocity attached and shouldn’t be held over someone’s head, in my opinion.

    **However**. Big however. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly selfish and greedy. Especially seeing as you helped him in the past, and from what you say he has the ability to easily help you out right now, I couldn’t fathom why he’d be unwilling to help you in a time of need. Have you asked him why he’s unable to help?

    This is your partner who you’re supposed to be able to rely on. There should be an equal give and take in a relationship. Unless he has a good reason for why he can’t help you, I’d think hard about whether or not this is someone that you want to be in a relationship with.

    Good luck OP, and I hope you can manage to get a car by some means. If it’s not possible, invest in a good jacket and wear enough layers. It’s very cold in my city too, [a long padded coat like this](https://image1.superdry.com/static/images/optimised/upload9223368955666109178.jpg) is definitely a life-saver.

  27. They say what’s obvious to some is not obvious to others. Like why would you consider the possibility that you’re being selfish to ask for your own money back?? Well anyways he’s trash and no matter how this plays out you need to get rid of him.

  28. He’s using you & probably doesn’t actually consider you as his real woman. You should accept that you’re never getting your money back & officially end the “relationship”. Then just try to grind & save as much as possible until you slowly build your situation back up.

  29. You probably shouldn’t be with a guy that needs 4k from you in the first place. Sounds like a loser

  30. Buy yourself a bat, and then break his fucking legs. Actually his arms as well. one limb for each 1k.

  31. Do you have any proof of the money you loaned? Text messages maybe? I would deadass take him to small claims over this. And then I’d dump him.

  32. He played you. Consider it an expensive lesson, and get out before you’re really trapped with this parasite. He will not reciprocate financial assistance, do you think he will be equitable with anything in your relationship?

  33. Just reading thru your comments makes me a little sad. I hope you take the suggestion of dbt. It’s really helpful. Fwiw BPD is a,so a common comorbid or misdiagnosis for autism, it was for me. Either way, you sound a lot like I did at your age. I look back and I’m sad about the things I put up with before I did a lot of work on me. Please consider a dbt course. It will help you with a lot of this kind of reality checking.

  34. Hun… I hate to say this, but you learned the hard way that a ‘loan towards friends, no matter how close… isn’t a loan.’

    You gave that money to him. There wasn’t any kind of written contract. He doesn’t owe you (ethically he does), but there’s no way in heck he’s going to pay you back.

    Cut your losses and move ahead. Also, cut all ties to this weiner.

  36. Do you have proof you loaned him the money and he agree to pay you back? If so take him to small claims court.

  37. I couldn’t even read the post because it was deleted. But just from the title, you’ve lost the $4000, accept that fact; you’ve also found out exactly who your bf is (hint:he’s a piece of shit), please accept that fact and act accordingly.

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