TL;DR my partner’s AuDHD and mental illnesses alter the way they treat me & I can’t tell if I’m being selfish about it or not.
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Me (21F) and my partner (20F) have been together for about a year. We both have autism and she has ADHD, we also struggle with depression. My partner goes through periods of depression, as do I, and we are both medicated for it. Before my partner was on medication they were really depressed for about 4 months of early on in our relationship. During this time I would often come over to hers and look after her, as I believe she would do the same for me. I was just starting at college so I had the free time to do it. I am now working on my final year thesis and have a lot less time; my days are highly structured due to school/work. I can’t really show up for her whenever she wants me to, which makes me feel bad as she does struggle a lot. My partner is now medicated, however recently has been forgetting to take her medication, and is having issues with getting her meds from her doctor. I’ve told her to change multiple times so she doesn’t have to have this keep happening, but she says it’s too much hassle. I guess it just frustrates me because I really relate to & see myself in this behaviour, but I’ve made a concious effort to remember to take my meds and things. Recently she got angry at me over the fact she couldn’t attend her work Christmas meal as her boss had assumed she couldn’t come due to illness (She’d been off for 3 days, also hadn’t contacted her office at all) I tried to reassure her, but it just spiraled into her talking about being fired. I tried to reassure her again, but she just said ‘Shut up, You don’t understand, I have a *real* job.’ She then got really blunt and basically ignored me, until a few hours later, when she texted again, and was completely fine. I let her know she had upset me, and even made me cry because I felt demeaned by her when I was just trying to help. Her response was ‘I wasn’t being demeaning, how was I being mean, I was just acting how you act when you’re like this all the time.’ She apologised and I got through to her eventually, but I have just noticed this pattern where she will get angry at me over things I can’t control, then act like I’m crazy for getting upset about the things she says. Sometimes when we argue she becomes spiteful, so will say things to purposely upset me. She’s admitted this, but says she is trying to work on it and it’s just because of her autism/adhd, but this has been kind of a constant throughout our relationship and it’s so tiring to me.
2 comments
Hey so toxicity from neurodivergence is still toxicity if it’s bad for your mental health.
If you aren’t getting what you need from a relationship then you need to consider what has to change for you to feel how you need to. You also need to consider if the person you’re with is capable of providing that. If they aren’t, you need to have a serious look at the relationship and if it needs to continue.
Being unhappy and poorly treated doesn’t magically get better because there’s a diagnosis accompanying it.
Someone who treats you like crap doesn’t deserve you. Regardless of their mental or physical health.