It’s a complicated situation. I’m 27 now, and we’ve been together for 4 years now. Her mom (+-50) and her sister (27F) are poor and they don’t have enough money to have a decent life. She is the one who earns the most in her house, and she also isn’t well paid. They live in a small house with one bedroom and not much else. We love each other very much and I can afford a little bit more. She doesn’t want to stop helping her family financially, which I think is noble, but also I think it’s unfair to her.
She is the only one who I perceive to be trying to do something good with her life. Her mother and sister are comfortable with earning not enough and having her contribute the most to the household. Not that they are REALLY comfortable, but they don’t seem to be trying anything else. Her sister works an 8 hour job, 5 days a week, and that’s it. Her mother works a few days a week and this is it. Meanwhile she works 6 to 7 days a week, editing photos around 10 hours a day. I work as a programmer 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, as a barber on sundays, and studied like crazy to get myself into a public university, which I’m attending currently at night.
It’s not that her family are bad people. They just don’t seem to care.
It’s been like that ever since I met her 4 years ago. I try to be supportive and not interfere with these issues around her family, but I’m getting worried it’s never going to change. I care for her and I know she deserves better. She works very hard and deserves to be able to enjoy her life and spend her money. And It doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to change.
I feel bad for judging people like that, especially people who are poor and don’t have enough. But I can’t help it. I want to get married. I can tell she wants it too. When she’s over at my house we are very happy. We help each other, we get along very well. There is a lot of love going on. And she stays for a long time, sometimes even months. We talk about moving in together, but it just seems impossible. She says even if we move in together, she’ll never stop sending money to her mom. And this will affect our quality of life. I’m starting my career as a programmer and I know I’ll make more money and earn enough to give ourselves a good life… But I can’t help but feel like it’s unfair.
**TD;LR:** We are currently considering renting a house to live together with her family. I had this idea. She doesn’t like it very much, but I think maybe we could do it while they figure themselves out… I am willing to help, to give them ideas, to teach them some skill, to give my full support, and help them grow… But really, I don’t see it happening. Should I give up on this?
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I’ve had a similar situation. You need to give an ultimatum of you or them. It can’t be both. Then, move on quickly. This situation will not be sustainable long term. For me, it was okay and goodbye. You need to think about yourself too. You will never be happy, and it will end ugly if you drag it out.
Don’t move in with her and her family. Then you’re stuck forever. You’d be enabling her, not helping her grow past this.
Its build a life with you, and help them when you can; or continue her life with them and help them all you can all you want.
Its a sucky situation for her, and an even worse one for you because you want to build a life with her; but dont want the responsibility of the baggage her family brings along.
You guys are too young to be the support system for these two that are okay with life on cruise control.
I’d personally cut it loose, and find someone on the same page as you. Good luck
It‘s a choice she really needs to make for herself, unfortunately. All you can do really is clearly set and communicate your boundaries and needs, and then give her the space to decide what she wants for her life. Then you see if you build a life together.
You clearly want a wife, a family, a home, and so on. You don‘t want to marry a family of three adults, which is what you are currently on the path toward – they will be your dependants for life. She is free to choose that for herself, but not for you, unless that‘s also what you want.
>She says even if we move in together, she’ll never stop sending money to her mom. And this will affect our quality of life. I’m starting my career as a programmer and I know I’ll make more money and earn enough to give ourselves a good life… But I can’t help but feel like it’s unfair.
This is the lede and the real issue at hand.
I am glad that you recognize that someone wanting to help their family can be noble. At the same time, you are right about how your GF giving her family money both affects her and how it might affect you.
That your GF helps her family with money is not the issue (per se). The issues are that 1) she has no boundaries with her family when it comes to monetary support and 2) there is little consideration from her of how it affects her and how it will affect you and the relationship.
It seems like she’s set on continuing to support her family, but for right now you should focus on how you two will split finances and you will have to let her know what seems fair to you. You need to start setting boundaries around yourself and money.
At the same time… under no circumstances should you ever offer financial advice to anyone who hasn’t explicitly asked you for it, especially the family of your partner. You don’t have enough pull with them to do that, and financial advice requires the recipient being very vulnerable with you in revealing their financials.
As for long term prospects, you and your GF need to talk about the support of family. This could be what makes or breaks the relationship. If she’s unwilling to put *any* boundaries on the financial support she sends to family…. DO NOT LINK YOUR FINANCES IN ANY WAY WITH HER. Instead, you might have to break up with her.
>Her sister works an 8 hour job, 5 days a week, and that’s it.
What do you mean “and thats it?” Its a full time job. It should be enough for a decent living, paying full rent included. What country are you from?
Tough. I’m of the mindset that family is family and we always take care of each other. Especially when the parents get into their elderly days (my parents will move in with us when they get too old to be independent).
With that being said, it seems her family should be able to be independent enough to take care of themselves. I still help out a bit by paying for things like the trash bill, internet bill, phone bill, etc. It’s not much to me and helps them out. Maybe she can do the same vs straight up giving them cash to do whatever they need with?
Could be a small compromise and have her get the feeling of security for some of her family’s essentials.
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER FAMILY!!!!!!!!
REPEAT THIS TO YOURSELF over and over again.
If you’ll make enough, Its better if you two get a place alone and she sends them money.
Supporting an aging parent is normal, supporting a sibling who does not want to apply herself is not good.
Okay OP, its all gonna boil down to how much do you love her? And if your earning potential is as capable as you say it is, perhaps have them move in with you, with the condition of having iron clad house rules. It seems like your girlfriend is a family oriented person, as am I, but I established that with my in-laws immediately that this is my house and that I’am the man of the house, all I ask is we treat eachother and our boundaries respectfully, otherwise we will have a family meeting and hash it out. And if they don’t like those terms, then they can go find their own place.
But let’s say you and your girlfriend get your own place and her family has their own place, but your girlfriend still sends them money. At that point OP, its on you to be able to have good income so you can provide for yours and your girlfriend’s needs. Your girlfriend will use her income to support her family because that’s her family. Not much we can do about that. And your income will support strictly just you and your girlfriend.
But if that’s too much on your part, OP, which is totally understandable, then you might have to break up. Again, it all boils down to how much do you love her and how much can you tolerate?