I (24, F) have been single since 2 years and been on dating apps for most of this time. I work from home and mostly hang out with my friends on the weekend. Even though I try to go for social gatherings like festivals and other things of my interest around town, dating apps have now become my main source of trying to find a date. I am also looking for something more long-term and have made it sort of clear on my dating profile over the months.
Here’s the problem – I just cannot swipe right on people who don’t fit my “type”. Now my type is not necessarily the most model-esque guys, but I simply cannot swipe right on guys that I’m not attracted to irrespective of how great their profile is, how many interests we have in common or how much our values match.
There have been times where I have really liked everything about the profile, except the looks of the person. Even when I have matched & spoken to some of these people, upon meeting them I was only constantly thinking about how I don’t feel like getting physical with them even though the date was going great.
I have been on many dates over the last 2 years, but none of them have even gone as far as a kiss. This even goes for the guys who appeared to be my type in the pictures, but once we meet I keep nitpicking small details making them unattractive to me. Am I too fixated on physical appearance? Why am I not able to get physically attracted to anyone for more than 2 years?
Sidenote: since I still need some form of sexual saisfaction, I occassionally hookup with a FWB type situation. But I am not attracted to him in a way where I would want to seriously date him since we are very very different people.
13 comments
Your second to last paragraph was the most damning. It sounds like you’re actively sabotaging your dates, possibly without realizing it. Why is this?
You could try extending the period of time you spend getting to know each other before you meet. That way, you can build a stronger connection that is based on conversation without being distracted by physical traits that you will nitpick.
A lot of guys will have a problem with this, but some will welcome not having to rush things.
Also, try going straight to the bio before swiping through all of the pics. If you’re feeling super motivated, you can focus on repeating or writing down what you really like about them before the judgey part of your brain is able to kick in.
I would also do some introspective work by figuring out what kind of personality works best with yours and what personality traits make you swoon before trying all of this so you’ll feel excited as soon as you notice those characteristics on a bio. It’s like if you know you love brown eyes and you get excited when you see someone with brown eyes.
Yes, you are. Why you are so fixated I can not say.
Sounds like you are being a bit picky. Ditch the dating apps and meet people in the real world; the old fashioned way. You’ve tried the dating apps for far too long and it’s obviously not working. Haven’t you ever met someone in person and weren’t attracted to them but once you got to know them you were. That’s a real thing; it happens.
>Why am I not able to get physically attracted to anyone for more than 2 years?
Only you can answer that. Yes, you might be missing out something good, but it’s not fair on the guy if you enter a relationship with the thought that you’re ‘settling.’. He’s not settling for you.
Most of it sounds absolutely normal to me, back when i was still on the market i wouldn’t even read through the profile if i didn’t like the pics. Irl when approached i would pretty much immediately reject those i didn’t find attractive. And actually i even did have a tendency to nit-pick the appearance of my dates, but if i already liked the person in general, i could let go of small imperfections, because everybody has them. So i’d say it’s only the nit-picking part that you need to work on, maybe start giving people more time, so you are aware of all the positives about them, not just the small negatives in their appearance.
Personally, I’ve spent a lot of time alone without a relationship to work on myself and better my life. I’m picky when it comes to relationships because I don’t want to give what I have to someone who isn’t going to be the right person for me. I get what you’re saying but I think we both self sabotage a bit in that regard. I’m learning to relax the nit picking a bit and be more relaxed abt some things.
Of course you are. Your physical/status requirements restrict your options to a percent-level subset of the whole dating pool. This is pretty much the same for everyone, literally all dating woes are caused by our immense drive/obsession with maximising the attractiveness of our mate instead of looking for compatibility, when attractiveness and compatibility are completely orthogonal to each other. It’s a deeply rooted biological thing though so I don’t know how you avoid it.
I think our generation is truly doomed lol. I don’t know what to blame but its like a self destructive spirit has possessed us all lol.
God please send the same person that has the same values as me make her inbox me and make sure she’s beautiful in the inside and out side doesn’t matter wat race she is I will be👼🏼💍I’m 24 amen 🙏..
There have been plenty of times where I’ve seen someone’s picture and I haven’t been attracted to them, but then when I see them IRL, I am attracted.
“but once we meet I keep nitpicking small details making them unattractive to me. Am I too fixated on physical appearance?”
It sounds like you answered your own question.
Being picky isn’t inherently wrong or bad though. It just depends on the outcome you want.
If you want a relationship then maybe you should lower your standards. If your happy playing the field then your status quo seems to be working fine as you are still going on “many dates”.
I don’t know how to NOT focus on appearances while on dating apps. Even though almost every guy irl I’ve had a super crush on would have most likely been a “nope” swipe for me.
I’ve tried dating guys with fun profiles that were not physically the most attractive to me and the exact same thing happens every time.
I show up and the guy starts BEAMING and over-complimenting me on my looks. And I awkwardly have to change the subject because I can’t honestly match that energy at all yet. Then the flirting and testing sexual boundaries start while I’m still desperately searching for something, ANYTHING about them that will get me frisky.
But unfortunately for me, the biggest turn off is men not picking up on signals so guys I’m not attracted to being very obvious about their attraction towards me is icky and has never successfully led to anything beyond a second date.
I’d love to be less concerned about looks on apps because it doesn’t even make the top 10 list of priorities for me in a relationship. But lowering my physical standards has been wildly unfun too so not going to bother with that anymore.