My best friend recently professed his love for me but we cant commit because he’s kept a secret from me since we’ve met. What do I do?
My best friend (M21) and I (M23) met early into our freshman year at our university (we are now seniors). We had met through friends and since then we have been the best friend duo of our friend group.
At the beginning of second semester of our freshman year we explored dating right before the start of the pandemic. Looking back everything seemed to be heading the right direction then suddenly one day he expressed that we should not pursue a relationship. We agreed that we did not want to ruin our friendship and the friend group due to previous relationship traumas.
At the time, I was really upset because I was head over heels for this man. However, we both moved forward and have built a strong and loyal friendship with each other.
Fast forward to now: we are in our senior year, we are roommates, and about to graduate in May. This is our first time living together because he was involved with Greek life and I worked as an Resident Assistant to save money.
Throughout our friendship we each have had our own fair share of dates, possible relationships, and hookups with other guys.
Recently during “dead week” (week before finals) the guy I was in a short relationship with had wanted to end things. During finals week my best friend expressed that he was upset with my ex for breaking up with me. I asked why and this is when he professed his love for me. He had said that he had always loved me but thought that my ex was a good fit because he would take good care of me.
I have always had strong feelings for my best friend. I truly love this man more than anyone else I have met in my life. I told one our closest friends that I would one day marry this man.
I then asked why he never told me sooner how he had felt and he expressed that there was a secret has been hiding from everyone. He broke down and told me that he has been struggling with addiction to alcohol and pills for 8 years. He felt that his addiction would hold me back from my own goals and aspirations and he didn’t want to place that burden onto me.
His body is beginning to show signs of Jaundice and he is expressing that he wants to become sober. However he does not want to seek professional treatment and thinks he can quit cold turkey. (He had shared with me that he drinks a bottle of whiskey everyday).
I can’t help to worry and stress about his health and well-being. We agreed that right now is not the time to start a relationship but have acknowledged that we see ourselves spending the rest of our lives together. We have been platonic since our short stint freshman year and after we expressed our love for each other we have been introducing intimacy slowly.
I am most worried that he will not get the help he needs considering his body is showing signs for help. Time is ticking and I want to make sure he gets the right help he needs to get back to better health. How do I support and encourage him best to seek help?
I always thought that if we were together it would be the best day of my life but I am devastated, worried , and at a loss about him and this situation.
If you’ve read this completely, I thank you for any advice and insight you might have..
2 comments
This reads like a creative writing exercises lol.
My advice is to help him through his addictions and seek help with him platonically. Your friend reached out to you, he needs your support.
He was being a good guy when he said he didn’t want to place the burden of his addiction on you; addictions are heavy. It’s a lot to bring into a brand new relationship, especially one you’re serious about.
If you do get with this man, you are in for a LONG road of recovery ahead with him, which will include setbacks and most likely relapses. You’ll probably see him at his worst and the relationship will be tough, and not in the romcom kind of way, in the ‘I don’t know if I made the right decision being with this person’ way.
He doesn’t want to hold you back from your goals and aspirations; work on those while supporting him as a friend, and once he is in recovery and feels ready for a relationship, go for it, if you’re ready for things to be extremely hard. He would feel TERRIBLE if you guys got together and his addiction did result in you eventually putting your own goals to the side to help him, that’s exactly what he was trying to avoid by not being with you a couple of years ago. And the guilt and shame wouldn’t help him recover.
Also, as a small note, get ready to not drink around him (or at all), and possibly not keep medication in the house, or keep it locked away. If you’re in a relationship with an alcoholic, you can’t sabotage them by keeping booze and pills around, it wouldn’t be fair.
Have you seen him when he’s drunk? *Really* drunk? If he’s been hiding his addictions you may not have seen that, and seeing someone you care about become a totally different person because of alcohol is rough, and you may not like him like that. Exact same with drugs. But if you get into a relationship with him, you can almost guarantee that side of him will show up. It will be unpleasant at times.
Overall I don’t think it’s a good time to get into this relationship. I think you should wait AT LEAST until he’s in recovery, but even then I’d recommend waiting until he’s ‘in remission’. But again, that doesn’t mean you’re in the clear, he will most likely relapse. If you’re as serious about him as you say you are, buckle in, this is gonna take a while.
cold turkey could kill him, bad idea.
that level of alcoholism is gonna require some rehab, or at the minimum professional treatment, for it to be successful. withdraw is a bitch.
do not date an addict-yes you want to help them, no they will not change for you. they must want to change themselves. until he starts treatment, wait for that. you’ve waited this long, it’s not gonna hurt you to make sure he’s following through with what he says he wants to do. trust me-it will save a lot of heart break.