Hello! Not sure if this is this appropriate place for this but looking for some advice (throwaway account for anonymity)!
My (31F) husband (33M) have a great relationship (we’re relatively newlyweds, been together for 3 years, married for 2 months). We’re open and honest about everything and he is 100% the person I know I can be myself around…which may have led to an issue between us.
2 days ago, I (stupidly) mentioned in passing conversation how I had a one night stand years ago with a guy that fingered me and was able to make me squirt. It wasn’t an in depth conversation and to be perfectly honest, I don’t even remember how the topic came up but I do remember feeling a pang of regret once the words left my mouth. As open and honest as our relationship is, I realized that it could have come off as too much information and had the potential to make him feel jealous and insecure (although my husband is not a jealous/insecure person) even though that is really the last thing I’d ever want to do. It’s just something that I didn’t think much about, we were on the topic, and it just came out.
The sexual experience itself was jarring, I’ve never had that happen before and it hasn’t happened since. I don’t think I climaxed when I squirted that one time, it was just a sudden thing that my body did and again, it hasn’t ever happened since.
After the comment, he didn’t really give any clues about the way he felt. He’s a very well adjusted human who doesn’t get easily stressed out and so when he *does* get stressed out, I know it’s something that has definitely been on his mind for a bit.
So this brings us to last night. While winding down from the day in bed, he said there was something that he wanted to talk to me about. I was immediately intrigued since he doesn’t do this often. He proceeded to tell me that he was feeling inadequate and jealous that he’s never experienced me squirting before. I was taken aback but then became extremely disappointed in myself for putting him through this. I had hoped he wouldn’t have thought much about the comment due to our great sex life but I was wrong and I deeply regret what I said.
For some context though, my husband is the only man to bring me to climax during penetrative sex and the only person I haven’t felt like sex was a chore to complete. He knows this. However, once we broke the discussion down further, he elaborated that he loves getting me off (I love it too ehehe) but he’s feeling a bit down since “his wife shared that experience with another man and not him”. I’m not surprised he feels this way and I’m doing my best to empathize but I don’t know what to do to make things better. I explained that it has never happened again since and I have no idea how the guy even did it. I never want to discount how he feels but it would make a *tiny* bit more sense to me if every guy I had been with prior to him was able to do it and he wasn’t. But this isn’t the case, it was an extremely isolated incident that happened almost a decade ago. He listened and agreed this was more of a “him” issue and he was letting his “male ego” get the better of him but we still went to bed in an awkward place.
This morning has been weird. We tried to talk about it again but I truly am at a loss on how to approach this. I spent some time last night looking up how to squirt and I’m open to trying with him but I’m worried that at this point, it’ll feel a bit too much like a science experiment instead of a hot, sexual experience. I don’t want to have the pressure to squirt while we’re trying and if we don’t succeed after a few times, I don’t want him to become even further demoralized because I’m truly unsure if I can do it again.
It feels like this will be all we’re thinking about during sex for the foreseeable future which is really making me quite sad. Does anyone else have an experience like this they can relate to? Is there anything that can be done to make things a bit less weird now? Please be kind, I truly am trying to figure out how we can move forward. Thank you for the help in advance!
6 comments
My girlfriend routinely squirts. Here are things I do that may or may not contribute.
– Lots of foreplay, neck kissing, etc.
– lots of teasing with my hands. This means I will never so much as graze her breasts or pussy for at least 10-15 minutes. Even once I start to, it’s only a hint. She doesn’t get the full treatment for much longer.
– oral sex is absolutely the number one driver.
– My tongue starts with long slow lapping on the flat area just under her clit, eventually staying on her clit and getting more vigorous as she gets closer
– my fingers are inside her thrusting with her rhythm, curved upward to hit her g spot, again going faster and harder with her rhythm as she gets closer.
You will need to be a very good communicator so that, whether through words or otherwise, he knows when he’s doing something you like or not.
Sounds like you two are really good at communicating, so I am sure you will be able to work through this.
It also sounds like you are open to experimenting in this area, and there is nothing wrong with that. My partner learned to squirt after we had been together for more than a decade, and is a big proponent of women learning to do it if they want. She says it feels great, not the same as other orgasms, not better exactly, but maybe better. Her main point, though, is that it can be learned, at least by some women.
How to make things less weird. Share your concerns and make a plan. One night a week you two can have experimental sex. You read together about how it works for other women, you try it with him, have fun with it, make it a sexy experiment, but keep it to one night a week. Make sure that he agrees that all other nights are reserved for the wonderful sex that you’ve been already having.
After a few months if it still hasn’t happened, take a break. Find something else to sexperiment with because here is the thing: you and him are going to change over time. Hormones will change, bodies will change, etc. Your little weekly sexperiment just might be what allows you to evolve together sexually rather than grow apart.
I would acknowledge it and approach it like a homework assignment. Squirting is more up to the woman than the man. Tell him you’ll work on it. There’s lots of educational material about it online. Teach yourself how to squirt by yourself (you’ll love it!). Once you get comfortable doing it on yourself, surprise him one night and ask him to try. But take the pressure off yourselves and both agree to not worry about it when you’re together for a while. Good luck!
Njoy pure wand and a magic wand works on most people if you havent tried that.
So, it’s obvious what a man needs to do here, but what about the woman? Is it a total unconscious occurrence or is there something the woman needs to do (or not do)? Like relax the urge to per at a certain point? Said another way, assuming the guy is doing all the right steps, is there some instructions they could give their partner?
Honestly, most women can squirt if they are comfortable with the other participant. It IS up to the other person to use proper technique to help make it happen. Basically, you have to intensely stimulate the g-spot while stimulating the clit (orally or vibrator). I find three fingers works best applying pressure to the g-spot. Being completely comfortable with the other person is key so there is a very relaxed but sexually charged atmosphere (porn can help set this all up 😉 ). I love making women cum and squirt!