I broke up with my GF – but I feel like I can’t be without her

Hi and merry christmas. This is a throwaway account.

I am in a pickle. To take it from the beginning, I (23M) have been with my girlfriend (23F) for about 2 years but about half of that has been LDR. The LDR was highly successful and we facetimed CONSTANTLY.

This has been my first relationship ever. In fact, aside from making out, this is the first girl I have been with sexually too. This was also my girlfriend’s first real relationship, which is something we bonded about. We are truly each other’s best friends and love being with each other. We truly had a great relationship. However, from the beginning, I have known that this is not my GF’s first sexual relationship. Since I was a virgin, this was a huge insecurity for me and we never spoke about previous partners. Until recently that is. I had been feeling extremely insecure about this knowing that our relationship is turning truly serious, so I brought it up with her and asked her about her bodycount.

I am a quite openminded guy but I was just shocked by her bodycount and ever since finding out, I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Her bodycount was 15, even though we met at the age of 21. I hate being judgy, but it is really disturbing me. I honestly feel like a chump and I feel like if I stay with her, I am losing out on exploring my own sexuality with others – I have had this thought previously but when I realized that she has clearly slept around before me, I feel like I’m missing out and not even my partner can relate. I guesss it’s jealousy in all honesty.

I’m a pretty good looking guy who has girls DMing me, but I’ve never acted on it as I have been loyal to my GF. I am also studying Medicine and will honestly be a top income earner in the future based on that. So I feel like I’m just not doing myself a favor by settling with a girl who has ran through bodies, especially as I have only been with her and would be robbing myself of my own exploration.

I know it’s probably not fair to judge a girl by her bodycount, and what matters is that we are happy. But honestly, I don’t see that I can get over this fact and I keep imagining the dozen+ dudes she has fucked. It will eat me up and cause a larger issue later down the road. This is why I broke up, but I’m just not happy without her and I feel like I m throwing away a unique relationship. But again, it’s my first relationship and maybe I should just ignore those feelings.

Please don’t hate me for my feelings about her bodycount and my (probably childish) insecurity about it. I just can’t get over that the difference between us is SO big. Hoping for any kind of advice.