EDIT!!!! This blew up. I am not using sex as a weapon or punishment. I am trying to work on healing and build trust/security before we are intimate again. I am not comfortable having sex with my husband right now because I am in a vulnerable hurt place. He feels like I’m withholding because we have always had a great sex life, twice a week, adventurous etc. i felt like I am giving my body away to someone I don’t trust and it makes me have low self esteem, further making the resentment worse! Yes We are seeing a therapist.
My husband found sex toys under the bed and it hurt his pride. It came out today when he said “you have sex toys but you don’t sex with me” Yes I’ve been withholding sex with him for a long list of reasons which I’ll probably share on another post. It’s only been like two weeks and he’s losing it. I am self reflecting and I feel powerless so maybe this is me reclaiming my power. I know people have needs but I have so much resentment and in fact I’m losing attraction to him. I’m in a healing stage in our marriage and I didn’t want to have intimacy until I feel like I trust him more. There is no cheating involved, just him not being there for me the ways I need him to be over a long period of time and also not making me a priority over his mom for some time.
12 comments
You guys both sound toxic. Couple’s therapy.
If you’re withholding sex because you don’t want to have sex with your husband and have communicated such, there is nothing wrong with that. Where it’s wrong is if you’re using withholding sex as a weapon or means to get your way.
Why not try classic communication or marriage counseling to resolve your issues instead of punishing your husband? The issues haven’t disappeared with the lack of sex I assume. Are you and he taking steps to resolve these issues? It may be time to get a counselor involved so you can begin moving forward.
Obviously.
Clearly, your needs aren’t being met, and those issues deserve to be heard and addressed, but unless your goal is to drive your marriage into the ground, you aren’t going to accomplish anything by *purposely* creating friction. Either get out of the relationship or communicate like an adult.
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Big mistake.
What good is going to come into your marriage by purposely hurting your spouse?
Wow. Using sex as a manipulative tool is never healthy in marriage. Y’all sound very toxic. Why not address issues like mature adults who arguably love each other?
Wow, you honestly don’t sound any better than your husband
He isn’t fulfilling you in another way, so you gotta withhold sex to get back at him? You can call it healing I guess, but it definitely isn’t your marriage you are healing. Just keep adding water to the boat and watch it sink because thats what its leading to. You didn’t mention any communication between you and your husband about the problem.
Both of you need to mature a bit, that being said check out love languages. This may help some, but whitholding and basically weponizing intamacy is a no no. Healthy communication is needed, not arguing. As far as his mom issues, usually this indicates that a person is caring and supportive, but there is a point of taking it to far, however there’s not enough information make a judgement here. Best wishes.
Honestly, i wouldnt view this as “withholding”. That word implies that sex or intimacy is wanted (on your part) or owed and being used as punishment.
Not wanting sex because you dont trust your partner enough to be vulnerable is very normal.
As for the toys. Sex and masturbation fulfill different urges or purposes for many people. Wanting an orgasm is different from wanting partnered sex. Im sure even *he* masturbates.
Work on your marriage together. Hopefully you both stop over thinking the rest.
Good Luck OP.
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>I’m in a healing stage in our marriage and I didn’t want to have intimacy until I feel like I trust him more.
I want to strongly suggest that you reframe what you’re doing from “withholding sex” to “not having sex that is unwanted”. I think this change in understanding of why you’re not having sex will be helpful to you in keeping you strong. It may also help your husband and the commenters in this sub, as well as others, to understand why this is the right choice.
It’s really a good thing that you’re not having sex while feeling angry and resentful towards your husband. Doing so could lead to a lot more problems, including possibly a sexual aversion that could be impossible to overcome.
Purposefully with holding this from Your husband will only make things worse. Haven’t You seen all the reddit posts about husbands who make all these messed up decisions (not saying its right for the husbands to do that, and they are ultimately responsible for their own behavior) and all the marriages falling apart because one spouse decides to withhold sex? You doing this will only amplify any problems the marriage already has. I’m a woman…and I know personally I would NEVER do this, just because of the amount of marriages I’ve seen it destroy on the internet and real life.
I would continue to follow the instructions of a trained professional vs. taking the advice of random people online. If you’re unsure of their suggestions then you should try another therapist and get a second opinion.