Hey yall. During the pandemic I had some sort of awakening… if you wanna put a word to it lol. I used to be this absolute pushover and had very little self esteem. This led me down the path of horrible relationships all around… dating, friends, etc. My previous ex was extremely emotionally abusive and I can’t believe I put up with all that. But the pandemic gave some time to really analyze my life and think about things and over time I totally changed. My self worth shot up, I started realizing all the different red flags I missed, I ditched my ex and a couple shitty friends, and my mental health improved. I got a job, met much better people, made new friends, and even have this amazing new 6 fig job im going to be starting soon. I’ll also be applying to medical school next year. I cannot be happier honestly.
But i’m still sort of iffy on this one “Friend”. Really thinking about cutting her off and ending the friendship once in for all, but I need some advice. So I met this friend in college. We were taking the same major, had similar interests outside of school, and became quite close and I considered her my best friend. We would hang out literally every day, booked the same classes, did projects together, studied together…. the whole 9 yards. But I noticed at times I felt like I was doing too much. I got her a cake for her birthday, make her treats for Christmas… and nothing like that was done for me. I also felt like I was giving her a ton of advice at times and that won’t be reciprocated either. I was always the “vent friend”.
After we graduated in 2020, things became totally different and ofcourse it does. We are obviously not in college and none of us can expect each other to interact everyday or even every week. That would be ridiculous. She was trying to get into medical school (as am I) and during this time was always hitting me up and we spoke at least once a week. It was quite stressful for her and talking to me made her feel better. She was also going through a rough breakup and I was her shoulder to cry on… always picking up her calls to give her advice and cheer her up.
But once she got in… totally different story! Almost never texts or calls me. Its always “Sorry, I have an exam. Sorry med school is quite busy”. I was there for her in one of the hardest times of her life and made time for her even when I was busy. I applied to medical school the next year and it was hard for me. I was very stressed out. And on top of that I didn’t get in and am reapplying. She was no where to be found. Regardless of how busy you are, I feel like you should at least have time to call once a month. A 30 min convo once a month is not that hard. I also went to her instagram and found out she got a new boyfriend, she went on vacation to multiple places, and looks like was going to a party at least once a month and seems like is having a vibrant social life with new friends.
If you have time for all of that, you should have time to speak at least once a month to your friend you supposedly care so much about right? I tried to schedule a call with her 3 TIMES. She said i’ll call you at x time and never calls. 3 times she left hanging essentially and I stopped texting her after that. I actually blocked her on everything. She came back to town for winter break and is probably bored with nothing to do I think. And NOW I get a text after months of absolutely no contact. It just went to my blocked messages tab. Im thinking of just keeping it that way. I frankly don’t want a friendship with someone who only interacts with me when its convenient. What do yall think?
19 comments
Sounds like a one sided friendship to me. I think the answer is pretty obvious in this situation, you’re better off without them
It’s easy for me to say, but it sounds like you should just “ghost” them, or find an appropriate way to avoid committing time into a one-sided friendship. At a certain point, I stopped giving time/access to friends who didn’t put in any effort and I think it’s been healthy.
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I agree. Just did the same thing. It’s not easy but you will feel better with yourself and have time to meet new people.
To be fair, if everything is one sided they’re not really a friend. If they were a friend you’d see and hear from them more than when they just want something. I’ve been down this road several times and I’m at the point with most people today that if I hardly hear from them or I have to reach out to them first just to to talk to me I’m not putting effort into said person at all.
I totally get why you’re feeling cast aside here, but remember the things we put on social media are often the shiniest parts of ourselves. Things may look much more rose coloured through that lens. There’s a chance your friend is super busy and overwhelmed. A new romantic relationship while also getting used to med school is a TON to juggle at once. Maybe the new bf took her on vacation because he saw how stressed she was. There’s a lot of context we don’t know.
If it were me, I’d give my pal the benefit of the doubt, but also I’d reach out and let her know that I’ve been missing our friendship, and that it’s really important to me that we get the chance to talk. You can tell her what things look like from your perspective, and explain how it makes you feel. Your friend might make a more concerted effort to invest in the friendship, or she might say “I’m sorry, but this is what I am able to offer right now.” Either way, it’ll give you the info you need to know whether or not this is someone you want to keep around.
I DON’T advise ghosting. It can be so painful to be cut off by someone you thought was a really good friend and not know what you did wrong to cause it. Even if you decide you don’t want to be friends, your friend at least deserves an explanation of why the friendship isn’t working for you anymore.
Dont answer unless u need something, be like “I was just bouta call u i need this “
Use it as your filler time her as she does to you if you are ready when she contacts you. Make something going on also in your life than waiting to be prioritised by orhers. If you are in line for others, you can put other in line also…
Thats not a friend
I think you know what you want to do. You can’t make them call you or hang out with you but you can move on from this friendship and focus on all the other great friendships you’ve got. Quality over quantity.
But if you think the friendship is worth it at this moment (and not because of how the friendship used to be) then speak to them about it. They won’t know until you tell them how you feel.
it will be goos for both of you to have a talk about it. tell her all you told us, tell her you don t feel like she was a good friend, ask her what does she have to say about this. then you can cut ties, but only after having this talk
I (M55) also had an awakening of sorts last year and dumped a one-sided friendship with a woman I’ve known since high school, and also distanced myself from many others. I noticed she used everyone in her life with little regard for their boundaries or best interests. Many of our common friends also had similar reasons for distancing themselves from her over the years. It was awkward and I felt terrible for months, but I don’t want her in my life at all.
I found many of my ‘friendships’ were based on people talking about their issues and me acting as their therapist. I enjoyed that dynamic to varying degrees until this year, I just don’t want to be a therapist anymore. To find out if someone is willing to emotionally invest in you, tell them a real or fake sob story when they contact you. Fake friends will avoid you when they realize YOU can’t help THEM.
We are recovering People-Pleasers. Life changes when you focus on the things you want instead of pleasing others. It’ll be very uncomfortable for a while.
Be less available, have something else going on in your life that’s more important than her. She’ll immediately notice
OP, I can’t express how much I relate with your post. Everything you’ve written, I have 100% experienced the same. I even said to a certain friend of mine about how my actions were never reciprocated. You wanna know what my friend said?
“Friendship is not a business relationship in which everything needs to be reciprocated”
I never received any calls from her side. No messages initiating conversation, nothing. Since this May, I haven’t texted her once. Safe to say that I haven’t received any message either.
Cut her out OP. Cut your friend out. You don’t need these type of friends.
God, it looks like I wrote this post with minor changes here and there. This is so relatable.
People make time for you if they’re interested.
I can feel you, as we all have experienced the same.
Usually when you help don’t expect anything in return.
Don’t help at the cost of your time the 2nd or 3rd time if they are not there for you.
Don’t think about them, it’s like giving thinking time about them is like being disrespectful to yourself.
Set boundaries, and stick to it.
Move on with your life and appreciate the memories of the time you two had together. When the two of you get the chance to reconnect for a bit, take it. People drift apart. That’s just life.
She’s not your friend. You’re a convenient and situational contact for her, OP. So sorry you had to deal with that. I know how that feels all too well. You have already blocked her so leave it as it is. In the future, I would condensely explain why you no longer want to be friends and then block her so there’s closure.
I would keep her blocked. As you yourself said, you had a lot of time to reflect and self improve and realize now which people are worth having in your life. While I’m sure this was a wonderful friendship during college, it has run its course. There is no need to continue friendships that no longer are what they once were. It doesn’t mean you no longer like the person. You are just two people living two different lives now.