What is that border that exists between being possessive and being protective?

8 comments

1. A 50ft high brick wall. The two things are unrelated.

   Protecting a person is for their own sake. If you see a foul ball flying at them, you block it from smacking them in the face. That’s protection. You respect that person as their own, and prevent harm being done to them, without any of it being in any way about yourself. Your only interference is with the thing about to harm them, not with the person themself.

   Possessiveness is for your own sake. It’s seeing the other person as belonging to you, prior zing your feelings over their own. It’s interfering with the life of the person in question, without regard for what they even want, the only thing being protected being your sense of ownership.

   tl;dr: Are you acting for their sake, or for your own?

2. [removed]

3. This is a very interesting one to consider.

   Off the top of my head, I think from the pov of a woman, Protective asks permission to act on your behalf where as Possessive does not since Possessive is not acting on your behalf.

   ‘Asking’ can be literal or not literal. Sometimes it could be the fact that you’ve told your partner in detail about situations you feel uncomfortable being in or have been in and so they instinctively know when you need their protection. And so action is taken with your comfort and safety in mind.

   Whereas, with possessive behaviour, the person is looking out for themselves at the detriment of your comfort and safety.

4. Those things aren’t related.

   * Protective = watching out to help someone stay safe from harm. Offering assistance. Offering a place of safety. Consent is key. Protective doesn’t need to make demands. Protective makes offers and accepts the other person’s choices
   * Possessive = controlling ownership and entitlement. Telling someone what to do. Trying to manipulate, shame or coerce someone into doing your will. Feeling entitled to them following your rules for them. It’s about your expectation of ownership of them and disregards their own personhood and choices.

5. Protectiveness is a response to a threat, injury, illness, death etc.

   I will protect animals in distress, not because they are mine, but because they need help.

   *I am risking myself to protect you, I am putting your needs before mine.*

   ​

   Possessiveness is about control and fear of loss of control.

   You will do what I say because you’re my daughter, this is mine and you can’t have it.

   *What I want is more important than what you need.*

   ​

   They can appear similar, but they’re complete opposites.

   Abusers will often try to portray their possessiveness as protectiveness.

   It’s important you understand the difference.

6. Protective is suggesting safety tips, possessive is enforcing ‘safety’ (leads to isolation).

7. protection is for the other persons’ safety or feelings or whatever, being possessive is inheritely selfish.

8. Are you trying to protect them from things *they* don’t want, or from things *you* don’t want?

   Have they *asked* for your protection?

   Do you believe, in any sense of the word, that you “own” them? Or that you are “entitled” to anything from them in exchange for this “protection”?

   Has your “protection” ever resulted in behavior that is essentially indistinguishable from emotional abuse?