I (29, cisgender woman) am a fairly vanilla person when it comes to restraints, d/s dynamics, etc and if I do play a domme role, I guess I’m a bit of a pleasure domme. I give so much praise and it’s very much teasing-focused, and the most I’ve ever done restraints wise is tie someone’s wrists gently with a thin scarf I had, one that could easily be escaped from by using light force. I never want to cause pain, outside of the occasional spank.
So here’s the thing, my current girlfriend wants me to tie her up in a way that makes her feel like she can’t escape it without my help. I don’t want to do that, though.
I’m deeply uncomfortable with the idea of making it impossible for her to escape the restraints on her own. I suspect it’s trauma related, or just gives me the ick, but I promised her that I’d think of a nice middle ground we can explore and talk about it with her. I just need her to be able to escape the restraints on her own, but still give her the feeling of being restrained completely.
Im just not super well versed in stuff like this. My own kinks lie elsewhere. Do the kind folks in this community know of any way that would suit us both in this situation? I was thinking maybe something with velcro on it, or there’s a special kind of knot I can use with soft materials?
3 comments
You absolutely can find velcro restraints. Alternatively, you can leave one hand free, and just hold onto the restraint with that hand, so it gives that same feeling.
You could use something like wrist cuffs that you use your hand to hold down rather then securing to a headboard or something. Put the key on the nightstand so that you know she can unlock herself whenever, but she gets the sense that you are in control of when she can.
I think probably the key to finding an answer you’re comfortable with relies on you being able to clearly express to yourself what makes you uncomfortable.
Is it actually the being inescapable for your partner, you mentioned trauma, or is it that you’re finding the BDSM/leather materials intimidating? Perhaps the idea of taking complete control is where you might be uncomfortable – I’m not asking you to tell us if yo don’t want to, but giving it some thought might help you to give your partner what they’re asking for without compromising your comfort.
Definitely velcro is the winner here, especially as you’ve mentioned it. You can get arm & leg cuffs and you don’t even have to get products specifically designed/marketed “for sex” or “for bdsm” if you find that intimidating (and some people do, it’s ok!) Sports shops or Amazon sell cuffs for resistance-bands and cable machines and they’re inexpensive so if you try them and really don’t feel it then it’s not like you wasted anything as you can sell them on without anyone knowing what they were used for.
Initially you could just set the velcro loosely so your partner could get out if they really wanted to, and then make them escape-proof if you feel more confident later. Or you could anchor the cuffs to resistance bands, start with a light resistance that if they really tried they could get out and substitute it for something less stretchy later.