My(32,f) fiance(38,m) is being abusive, I believe. We’ve been together for 7 years and have 2 children together. Forgive the scattered thoughts as I’m exhausted.
He has stated that he needs sexual intimacy twice a week and we have been doing that for months that frequently. The past two weeks it’s only been once a week. I’ve been feeling depressed lately and thinking I may have some seasonal depression going on.
Anyways, he wanted to tonight and I wasn’t feeling up for it and he got really upset and sent me this text after he stormed out:
“Fuck you. We are in a relationship and that means we should want to make the other person happy. If you’re not going to try to make me happy then I won’t give a fuck about making you happy and that’s how relationships work.”
Followed by:
“We could have had some amazing love making tonight and NONE of this shit would have happened, we could have felt great about each other and talked and laughed and opened up to each other, but you had some fucked up things going on that royally fucked all of that up.(Literally told him I wasn’t feeling up for it and that I felt we’ve lacked connection lately but maybe that it was due to me feeling depressed lately) You are the only person that I can be close with like that, and when you withhold your physical love from me it fucking hurts and I immediately become defensive. But ill tell you this, if you can’t at least meet my needs, then I will go elsewhere. I’ll tell you first of course, moments before it happens, but I’ll tell you. Because it seems to me that you dont fuking care about me or what i need in this relationship, you only care about how you feel and what you need….self centered. So ill give you the same courtesy. Have a good night. Ill tty tomorrow….sometime.”
If you’ve made it this far, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really want to end things and move on after his reaction. He’s been mistreating me and unfaithful from the beginning but I kept giving him chances and he’s been faithful as far as I know/quite a bit nicer for the last year or so. We have 2 children together and he’s everything I have. I live across the country from all of my friends and most of my family so that makes it so much harder. What do you guys think? Should I end our relationship? š
Tldr: my long time partner, my fiance, is emotionally abusive and I should probably leave him.
9 comments
Girl run??? He is not everything you have, you have two amazing children. THEY are your everything.
Manipulating/coercing someone into having sex is extremely abusive. Blaming you for deciding what you want to do is EXTREMELY abusive!!!! Get out of this as soon as possible please!!
Everyone here is going to echo what you already know in your heart.
Ask yourself this, can you imagine spending the REST of your life this miserable and unhappy- knowing that we only have a set number of years here on earth?
We have to shake the misconception that we must stay for our children sake, because by staying you are teaching them that this is how you treat people you love.
Use your children as motivation to get out of there, he is mentally and emotionally wearing your down to the point that you no longer feel human. It is no wonder why you are depressed, anyone would be if the person that is supposed to love and cherish them the most told them that they were going to go fuck someone else because you werenāt interested this week.
It is NOT going to get any better from here if you stay, only worse. Worse for you, worse for your children. You need to make big kid moves and get the fuck out before something worse happens.
This is not how relationships work. Relationships take two people whom want to put on copious amounts of effort to make it work. He doesnāt want a relationship, he wants a dictatorship!
If relationships are supposed to make people happy then why does he speak to you like this? He is not upholding his half of the ābargainā.
Heās a POS, dead weight.
You donāt want your kids growing up in this environment, do you? Angry, cheating father and anxious, stressed out mother? Pack up the kids and go visit your family and friends. Then donāt come back.
First of all, I’m sorry that you’re in this situation it sounds incredibly toxic. I know it’s easier said than done especially with kids involved but you need to get out of this relationship ASAP. These aren’t just red flags these are fires that won’t be extinguished with therapy or time. Depression is hard enough to get through when you have support and your fiance is clearly not equipped to comfort and support you through it.
What do you think it teaches your children for you to stay?
Bail HARD. Talk to a family lawyer about what steps to take to protect yourself and your kids.
You need to just leave him. You need to take that step because you can’t have your kids growing up in an environment where they see the level of disrespect their father has toward you and think that’s acceptable or normal. This lack of respect will grow and become more overt over time, and the kids will definitely be able to tell.
You’re not alone! I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I’m in almost identical situation with 2 kids and emotionally abusive partner, no family or friends anywhere near and I have only just decided to try and leave. It’s hard though and I haven’t even told my partner yet. Not even sure where to start.
Gotta be strong for the kids. You’ve got this!
Leave him. The fact that heās more concerned about getting off than how YOU are feeling is beyond a red flag, heās a whole Soviet parade. You deserve to have your feelings considered and to not seem like a piece of meat.
YES. I understand youāre finding it hard, but yes. If he really believed what he was saying about wanting to make the other person happy then he wouldnāt be berating you for not wanting to have sex when you werenāt feeling up for it. Also blaming you for his reaction to not wanting to have sex which every human has the right to not want to have sex regardless of having a partner or not. Also the swearing at you is gross. He doesnāt care about your feelings at all from those messages, only him. And heās now threatening to cheat on you if you donāt want to have sex with him.
Honestly reading this made me angry at him and think heās a complete jackass. I would usually try to be nicer when talking about someone elseās partner because I get that itās hard for you and that he will also show you a different side and have moments where heās nicer, but you know yourself, it doesnāt really change. He still goes back to mistreating you and the way he talks to you is disgusting.
And no, nothing is your fault whatsoever. You did nothing wrong.