Feeling disconnected when not together

23 comments

1. I think there are two things here.

   First, more broadly, this strikes me as an anxious attachment issue rather than a relationship issue. A few texts a day is pretty normal in my book for two months in; on a holiday, when people are busy with family, it’s exceptional. The difference is this: do you want to hear from this guy because you miss him and you want to connect with him, or because you feel worried and need reassurance? If it’s the latter, you need to learn how to manage those feelings yourself.

   Second, maybe it’s a good idea to stop conflating text and conversation. When I send my new-ish partner a text, I don’t expect to hear from her for several hours, especially today when she’s on aunt duty and wrangling multiple toddlers. You mention that you feel fulfilled when you’re single, so I wonder if something about dating causes you to drop everything and obsess over your partner’s attention (or lack of it).

2. I don’t have any advice, but I wanted to tell you that I completely understand how you feel and struggle with this myself. I frequently wonder whether I’m cut out for relationships or whether I’d genuinely be happier overall committing to staying single, due to the stress and anxiety dating causes me.

3. I definitely have felt this way in previous relationships. It seems like you just need reassurance during the times when you’re not with him. You said you’d bring it up once but if it’s not getting better I would bring it up again. I do feel like you can generally try to work on this as well, but asking for more reassurance (when texts aren’t frequent) is something that feels normal to ask for.

   Although maybe you feeling this way is indicative of something deeper that could be helpful to look more into for the benefit of the relationship.

4. Anxious attachment style.

   He’s out of town on vacation visiting friends and family. It’s rude to prioritize your phone when in the company of others.

5. While i feel you do get anxious in relationships, i also feel there is lack of effort from his side which is triggering your anxiety.

6. I feel like I’m going through this too a little, but your person seems to communicate consistently. I’m a male and noticed I can have an anxious attachment style if I’m really into someone. I’m going through the same thing where the person I’ve been seeing the last month or so isn’t initiating texts the last few days and doesn’t want to talk on the phone. She’s got kids and there’s also bad weather, so I’m understanding that she may have a lot going on. But I am feeling anxious that she hasn’t reached out in the last week without me prompting. But my coping mechanism is to think she’s probably busy and if she’s interested in me she’ll connect when she’s ready. I’m at a point where I’m giving her space, not reaching out, and letting her connect when she’s good. I guess my only recommendation is to do the same – focus on holidays and family and let him reconnect with you.

7. If he’s texting you daily, that does show he’s thinking about you! In the perfect scenario, what would your ideal communication be in between dates? I get what you’re saying tho…I’ve dated guys on all sorts of the texting scale. Some wanted to text all day every day which is too much for me personally – others would text me at the same time each day (which I honestly enjoyed the routine but it felt forced) – and the last guy only texted to set the date and that was that (my anxiety was through the roof with him, no good). It’s hard to find the perfect medium.

8. I had a relationship like this a few years ago. He was quite avoidant and an introvert who threw himself into work. As such I always felt like I was waiting for him to fit me into his schedule, waiting for him to text me, etc. it never quite felt like enough for me and I was anxious and overthinking every message from him as a result.

   We didn’t even make it a year, and in that time I read every book under the sun about attachment theory thinking I could fix or change myself. When the relationship finally ended, I felt sad, but I also felt relief. And a few months later I started seeing someone else. I worried I’d be an anxious mess again but I wasn’t. If anything, I was the avoidant one in the pairing.

   I think it’s still quite early days to make a decision about this one; but after the holidays perhaps a discussion about ideal amounts of time spent together would be great. That way you can see what he wants and if it at all lines up with you. There are ways to bridge the gap, but also sometimes there aren’t, and that’s ok too.

9. You got issue woman. Speak to a therapist.
   Maybe because relationship is not defined? Are you in a committed relationship? Maybe that’s the conversation you need to have

10. I agree that I think it may be your anxious attachment style and it’s good to recognize your triggers. What I will say is, it’s ok to want to feel and stay connected to your partner as well. It doesn’t sound like you need constant reassurance from him all the time which is good, but you’re wanting a level of communication that he doesn’t seem to want to, or can provide. You’ve talked about it, and he said he would call or text more but actions speak louder than words. Obviously, be mindful that change doesn’t happen overnight, but also realistic that some people may never change.

    While he may be great in many other aspects, it’s important to find a partner that meets your needs. Someone who doesn’t trigger you, or makes an effort to try not to trigger you, and someone whose communication style might align a little better with yours.

11. I struggle with this a lot too. Specially when people text like your current partner does.

    My current philosophy is something I saw in a YouTube video: is your conversation evolving? As in, are the texts getting more frequent? Are they more quality? Are you talking more in between dates? Or is it the exact same?

    There should be progression in conversation quality/consistency.

    Then, aside from that, even if it’s evolving. If it’s not enough for you, it’s time to be honest and say so. Which, sounds like you did. So I don’t know, it does suck.

    The person I’m currently seeing was exactly like this. It was making me really upset and uninterested. But once she wrapped up her work stuff for the year she became a different person text wise. So I really saw it was true: she really was that busy.

    I had promised myself I would give her until January to show me that this was just “busy because of the holidays” and it paid off to wait.

    Maybe you could try that? See if my end of January he does better?

12. Wait he’s gone out of town to visit family 4 out of the last 8 weekends? And has never invited you? And rarely speaks to you while gone? I find that odd

13. I was dating this exact same person. Honestly, so crazy. So anyway it didn’t work out. Literally, every other person in my life was 10x more attentive. Its not you, its him. And its unsettling that hes never available on the weekends. He’s definitely not prioritzing you. This is a relationship when it’s convenient for him. And not a moment sooner. Not a good sign. You need someone who can give more attention. What youre trying to do is called “crap fitting”. Fitting yourself to crap. Because you don’t know what your supposed to want. It shouldn’t be hard in the beginning. Scarcity makes someone seem rare and special. And that seems to be what he’s creating. Im sure he’s cool in a lot of ways. That’s what makes not settling so hard. Whatever bothers you in the beginning will bother you more and more as time goes on. And asking for it eventually seems like nagging. Not worth the stress.

14. I’ve been seeing a guy off an on for a couple of months too and I’m leaning toward letting it go. I’ve recently started to notice other men and I think it’s bc of this guys lack of enthusiasm. For instance this week I asked if he wanted to get together, he said he was busy Saturday and Sunday. I asked him to stay the night Friday since I work Saturday so he could sneak out early, he didn’t even respond to that. Then today I told him he can come crash at my place tonight after the game (traveled for nfl game) and I’d bring him home in the am… nothing, no response to that and just a comment on traffic. I’ve told him how I feel about him but I’m just not getting it back. We also tend to drink a lot when together and I’ve expressed disinterest in that. I guess I feel like if he wanted to be w me he’d show me the effort, but no harm no foul. I was really crazy about him tho lol. Time to move on!

15. It’s only been 2 months! You need to calm down big time. Don’t message him anymore. Let him message you next. He is the one on a family trip. Make him curious.

    If he knows he’s got you like that it’s not as exciting for him. Just relax. What is meant to be will be. What is not meant to be will feel forced and full of anxiety.

    Don’t let what’s going on in your head kill the vibes. Just go with the flow. Don’t come into a new relationship with expectations based off old shit. Evolve and adapt. Be mature. You’re sounding very immature. Keep yourself busy. Who cares if he takes a while to respond. Relax. No one wants someone who is uptight about response times. That’s madness.

16. You’re getting called over anxious blamed for this behavior by other posters but… the last GF I had we’d text each other all throughout the day about the smallest dumbest things. We’d both reply to each other quickly, send random photos or selfies, share memes and inside-jokes, do video calls while we watched a TV show together etc.

    It was really awesome, and I don’t think you need therapy because you want the same thing.

17. Don’t know what kind of Christmas he’s having but if it’s family sitting around the living room, he’s probably avoiding looking at his phone. (Not saying that’s everything that’s going on).

18. I’m 18 months into a long distance relationship, we see each other every 2 to 3 months.

    We start the day and end the day together and text as things come up in our respective lives.

    Sometimes there is a lag, sometimes she’s driving sometimes I’m driving and we have a hard rule no texting and driving.

    Talk it out, it probably isn’t intentional

19. Cell phones ruined relationships by addicting us to notifications. There was once a day when we’d go…gasp!… whole DAYS without contact with our sweetie, and that didn’t mean we’d been dumped.

    I feel you. I’ve been dating someone 3 months and once the holidays started the comminication dropped and I can’t help but think “has she dumped me?” Even though I am intellectually aware she had a lot of family fly in and is doing holiday family stuff, and I am out of town 2 weeks home for the holidays. I can’t help this nagging anxiety that I’m trying to tell myself is nothing.

20. I think expecting so much constant communication after 2 months is a little unrealistic. I personally would NEVER want to text ANYONE that much, ever…never mind someone I just started dating. What are you getting from the communication that you have every day? Is there that much to be said or is it “small talk” and meaningless chatter?

21. Taking a couple hours to reply during a major holiday doesn’t strike me as symptomatic of a larger issue necessarily. The edit feels a little unfair, at least to me – like your view is he already used up his “enjoy my family time” and should therefore be texting you on Christmas eve??

    I get how bad anxiety can feel and my guess is that maybe you’re right, this isn’t the right relationship, but at the same time your anxiety is such that if you meet the right person, you’ll still tank the relationship because their entire focus for 24 hours isn’t you.

22. And this is how you make someone to develop an insecure attachment style, ladies and gentlemen. Your parents demand more love and make you insecure, so when you get in a relationship you also demand more love from your partner. Your partner may not be that insecure (yet) but their parents may have used to demand more love as well so he/she thinks it’s normal when you demand more love them. And then he/she starts giving you more love and attention being driven by anxiety, which makes everyone’s life miserable because there’s never enough of love or attention.

    The point of a healthy relationship is not to need to pretend you and your partner are in the same room when you are not in the same room.

    Let him do his shit when he’s out and keep yourself busy with your shit. If you can’t, get into therapy or something. That’s a healthy baseline. Once you get used to it, you should be able to see when things go unhealthy, e.g. you are sick and he’s not calling you at all while he knows you need help or something.

23. Two things.

    First, this screams anxious attachment (takes one to know one!). Which is mostly a you problem, not a him problem. It doesn’t sound like he’s behaving in any kind of way that is unreasonable given where you’re at in your relationship and the fact it’s the holidays. Working on being more comfortable alone and not *needing* someone else is work you can do for yourself.

    Second… Anxiously attached people often pick avoidant partners. Avoidant people often get blamed as the bad guy in these scenarios because they come off as cold and heartless, but in reality the anxious part of the dance is no more healthy or functional than the avoidant part. If he’s avoidant, he will continue to push that anxiety button in you until you heal yourself. Often this will happen in subtle ways. It is possible for anxious and avoidants to be successful partners, but it takes active and enthusiastic work from both sides.

    If you tend to choose avoidant partners, it is possible to fix your “picker” and learn to choose more securely attached people who will be emotionally safer for your. But it’ll still require you to get a handle on the anxious attachment and at minimum learn to recognize when you’re feeling activated and take responsibility for it when it happens.

    It’s hard work but it’s worth it. Good luck!