I seem to fall into a bad pattern. Everything’s all good and everyone’s interested. We’re texting back and forth, we meet up, fool around in every way but PIV, talk about what we like and STI’s etc. Then we have sex, and they either ghost or slow fade or try to come around when they have nothing else going on. I’m very upfront about not wanting a relationship so, I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be somewhere between meh and terrible at sex. I think I’m an enthusiastic partner. I try to communicate but the truth is I haven’t been having sex very long so I’m still trying to figure out what I really want and like. I notice most guys don’t like me to ride very long either. So any advice (besides enthusiasm) on how to be better at sex/riding? I just want to meet up with someone consistently because there are lots of things I want to try but I don’t want to try them with randoms that I only meet up with once or twice.
4 comments
I think firstly that it’s kind of good when people fade out as they’re not the right people for you. It’ll only be good when both sides are enthusiastic.
Secondly imo the trick to sex is talking and listening. Really try to listen to them and understand what they want and like and then do that. Learn what their buttons are and press them.
Like some men want to be ridden a long time, others a short time, others not at all and some don’t want penetrative sex at all. It’s about who they are and what they like.
It’s the same with blowjobs, some people want strong, others weak, some fast, others slow etc. The only possible way you can know is to ask.
Thirdly, imo, really great sex comes in this order, feeling safe -> relaxation -> arousal. So yeah it’s difficult with a brand new partner to really get to high places because it’s hard to feel safe enough to really relax.
Things which can help with this are to really set expectations low. Like don’t meet up “for sex”, meet up “for pleasure”, like maybe just touch each other, just kiss, just snuggle, just hang out and talk.
Making a really warm, welcoming, vibe helps so much with getting people to relax which is when the good stuff happens.
Generally the worst enemies of pleasure are either stress or having premade scripts and trying to act them out / pre decided ideas of what the other person will like based on what “men like”.
>I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be somewhere between meh and terrible at sex
Rather than blindly guess this, why not ask someone you’ve been with for feedback? You’re not in a relationship with them so they have nothing to lose in being candid with you.
It could be there’s some wholly *other* reason why folks aren’t trying to put you on their speed dial for hooking up.
I think the first thing to work out is if what you suspect is true or not. Ask for feedback from these people and see what they say. Being ‘bad’ at sex is very easily changeable but other things aren’t. Find out for sure.
Also adding, I think you need to be clear that you want a consistent fwb situation so you can explore. Some might just be under the impression this is a one and done type thing.
Hi, I’m a 44M, also inexperienced, despite my age, and in a similar exploration phase. The only way I’d be comfortable at this stage is if it was a woman I knew well, such as a female friend. Not someone I met once or twice. In addition, it’s difficult to learn without knowing and trusting them.
You definitely do need a consistent partner. Are the men you met not interested in getting to know you for that?