My gut tells me no and I’m really angry about it I feel like this sounds so bad just writing it out but I need a little internet validation to get me to go through with it. Basically I hadn’t seen a guy for several months due to being long distance and us choosing not to try for that. We both went back and forth on it but ultimately I cut contact. We had both been dating other people. He wrote me a letter after a few months saying he wanted to try again, which I was open to at the time. When I was heading back to his area (not to see him) my plans got disrupted and when I told him he asked me to stay with him for a couple weeks, which I agreed to.
Initially I was really happy to see him and he was pleasant but kinda arms length with me. It made me happy to see mementos from when we had dated still around his place and I figured he just needed some time to get used to me again. Well he really didn’t. He also told me about another woman, who he claims he doesn’t want to date (and I believe him) that has some stuff she’s holding over him. What she’s doing is illegal and if he were to outright reject her and she retaliated her career would be seriously hurt and she might even face criminal charges, but he would probably go down with her and he doesn’t want to do that. I’m not going into detail about that but it is legit and I had already suspected it over the summer but as we weren’t together anymore didn’t ask. There was no cheating on his part.
We had never officially agreed to be dating again and I wasn’t sleeping with him while I was staying with him because I wanted to wait until we knew what we were doing and we’re in a relationship again. She started putting a lot of pressure on him to come over once I got there and he started getting nervous, he told me everything and was willing to show me anything I asked for. About a week into my stay he said a few things that were hurtful and I told him I was fed up with the situation and leaving. I left. He asked me not to leave and once I left asked me to come back, told me it was a lot so soon having me all of a sudden there and he felt like he was in a relationship he thought we would build back up to not just be in immediately. He wanted to try and detach delicately from the other chick but then suddenly felt like he had a live-in girlfriend. I told him to piss off.
A few days later I had calmed down and agreed to come back. Unfortunately he had already agreed to let her come out one of the days I had originally planned to stay at his place and I then had nowhere else lined up. Just a reminder we were not and have not for several months been in an exclusive relationship. I also downloaded dating apps the day I left bc I was pissed. Anyway he told me he wouldn’t sleep with her, I told him it’s none of my business who he sleeps with (but I was still petty and counted the condoms in his drawer just to verify- he didn’t sleep with her). We kind of made up but I told him I didn’t see how I could date him after that. We agreed to try and be just friends for the rest of that visit and actually had a great time together and started feeling a little like it did before (nothing physical). He did make a couple jokes about us being both single that didn’t really sit well with me but I’m sure my face clued him into that and he stopped. I had a date lined up for when she was going to be there and it actually went really well, he asked to see me again the next day and I did.
I went back to the first guy’s place to work (it’s convenient and he wasn’t home). He’d left me a note apologizing for putting me in that situation, claiming he didn’t sleep with her and he really appreciated me giving him space when he needed it, not just when she was there and asking me to stay beyond just working. There was weather so I did stay the night. We had fun again and I enjoyed myself.
I left town (planned) and have been away for a few weeks but our original plan was to spend new years together and he’s still planning on that. He’s been in touch with me daily but I’ve been trying to detach emotionally and dating other people. I feel like he made his choice and he didn’t choose me. It makes me mad that he’s acting like we can just proceed but at the same time I haven’t arranged anywhere else to stay over those couple days that I had planned to stay with him. I just don’t feel like I can rely on him anymore. While I did technically also go on a date it was in response to him, having her over instead of me.
We had a great connection last year and while he seems to be easing back into being that person again with his communication cadence and topics I am having a lot of trouble trusting it after this. I feel like this is just so much and I’m mad at myself that I’m even entertaining it. I’m taking steps to not be strung along by dating other people but deep down I know if he would be as open and loving to me as he was before I don’t think I’d turn it down. Is this just way too much to deal with or am I having unreasonable expectations for someone I’m not technically even with? This would have been somewhat difficult if not for the added complications since it’s long distance, is it just too much? Am I being a doormat?
I’ve never been the girl that guys walk over and I’m not sure if this is what this is. For all my other relationships (including the one with him last year) they have pushed for it and I’ve never had to wonder.
13 comments
In the kindest, most compassionate way I can – I have to say that none of this really sounds healthy or good. Not his side, not your reaction to it. I would move on from this, not just because it sounds like he’s wasting your time, but because I’m not confident you’re really in a place to be dating right now…
I second the comment telling you to move on. This sounds like a big mess. I don’t understand why you’re choosing to stay involved, but I highly recommend moving on.
This can’t be worth long distance. It sounds anxiety inducing. No exclusivity and knowing a guy is meeting up with women that he could potentially sleep with would be too much for me. I’d walk.
If this is exhausting to even read about, it’s certainly exhausting to experience. This is messy on too many fronts, especially for someone you’re not even in an official relationship with (who likely isn’t returning this same amount of sentiment). I honestly think you really do need to sever things with this dude. It’s simply way too much.
Hi OP,
It was tiring and difficult for us to really understand the whole situation. It seems a complicated movie plot. I dont really know his perspective, but assuming your perspective is true, it feels like a nightmare. I wouldn’t hang on to him for now. It seems too much for you to get involved.
Please remember that they are involved in something illegal or illicit. Runaway. Worst case, they might unintentionally or intentionally trap you for their crimes.
>I feel like this is just so much and I’m mad at myself that I’m even entertaining it.
Yup, this is the one sentence that explains your whole post.
He’s in the middle of an unresolved mess. You originally cut ties, but then you came back. And then you walked away again, and then you came back again.
He needs to resolve the mess, and you need to stop complaining about the mess and then running back into the middle of it.
You can’t force him to resolve the mess, but you can cut contact for good. So do it.
Why would you want any of this in your life?
He may have been involved with something illegal and you’re continuing to entertain this why?
Sounds very messy. With the new year approaching, personally I would just let all this baggage out of my life.
I’ll admit. I stopped reading because this sounds like a relationship no one should be a part of if you have to write a whole damn essay on a specific situation
This is a train wreck. Not just for him involving this other woman and whatever scandal seemed to happen which she is holding over him, but your inability to communicate at all in a healthy manner.
You pretty much told him to sleep with that woman, but then counted the condoms so you could be mad if he really did. You went on dates with another guy to get back at him. You can’t even admit you wanted to stay with him longer, you blame it on the weather. You’re also just communicating with him less because you assume he’s with this other woman. What are you expecting to happen?
I would say move on. This sounds way too complicated to be worth while.
Even if that tangled mess with the other women would straighten itself out somehow, your relationship won’t be like before, you now have things to resent him over and this issue will keep coming up to remind you of his complicated life
Wtf, it’s not suppose to be this difficult. Especially not in the beginning. That was so exhausting to read and I’ve would have bailed long time ago.
Life is too short for those complicated things. Find someone who is excited about you and not this shit.