TLDR: I love to cook and love when people tell me they like my cooking. My bf says it’s weird and he doesn’t like that I’m constantly fishing for compliments.
I’m 22F, my bf is 24M, we’ve been together for 2 years and living together for 2 months.
I love to cook. I always wanted to be a chef but i was dissuaded from that path and now I work in HR. But I love to cook and especially cooking things for people I love. It’s kinda selfish because I love it when it people tell me they like my cooking. Ngl I thrive on that validation so I jump at the chance to cook for people.
One of my girl friend’s father recently passed away. I offered to cook her some meals so she didn’t have to worry about cooking and could focus on herself. I made her a lasagna, a Shepard’s pie, stuffed shells, and some chicken noodle soup. I was pretty much cooking for an entire day, but she has enough food to last her at least a week, probably more, and she can just toss it in the oven and not have to stress about cooking and cleanup. I packaged it all up and personally delivered it to her doorstep. My bf was kinda weirded out and finally admitted to me he thinks it’s weird that I crave validation so much that I would use my friend’s father’s death to get compliments. I was super confused.
Do I love when people compliment my cooking? Yes. But that is also how I show I care. He also pointed out that I always offer to cook when we have people over and that I’m constantly fishing for compliments by doing so. Again, yes, I LOVE when people like my cooking, but I also just enjoy cooking for the people I love. Am I the weird one here? How can I change this? Should I stop cooking for people?
44 comments
More people should have friends like you.
Don’t stop cooking for people. Your boyfriend is being a jerk.
It sounds to me like one of your love languages is words of affirmation and thats not a bad thing. Neither is wanting to please people. Plus, you *like* cooking. It isn’t weird to want to make your friends happy, and help them when they’re struggling. And it isn’t bad wanting to be complimented for your hard work. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Keep doing what you love.
This is hilarious. 😂😂😂
It’s like you’re motivated by what feels should be something wrong but it ends up being a net good for society. In all honesty, and somewhat as humans, we are all motivated by selfishness at some level, and it’s natural. Philanthropy is all about recognition for giving away resources for doing good in the world. And we all want to be recognized for doing a good job. Validation is very much a natural human experience. It’s how we affirm one another. So no, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing unless it’s being done to manipulate people or some other sinister stuff.
I think what you’re doing is great. It helps others AND you enjoy doing it. Your boyfriend is being a pain in the a$$. So what if you enjoy the compliments. Who wouldn’t? There’s no reason for him to have an attitude about it. I’m sure you could easily find a guy who might pitch in with you or at least not try to take that away from you. As long as you are not neglecting those closer to you altogether so you can help out strangers all the time with your good food, I say don’t change a thing.
My mom had a serious surgery when I was 9, people brought us food for weeks. It was so nice for my dad to be able to focus on her healing and helping us. It’s genuinely one of those memories I look back on and think, ‘wow people can be so good!’
You’re an angel! Don’t worry about your boyfriends weird perspective
He’s jealous that you’re caring for other people besides him.
This is his problem, not yours.
Does you boyfriend have a functioning heart?
I feel like everything you posted is so normal. When someone dies, people often bring food to their relatives as a nice gesture.
Also, I love to cook and enjoy when people are pleased with what I’ve made them. This is normal. It’s not fishing for compliments.
I think you should keep cooking for your loved ones no matter what your boyfriend says. Either he gets over or he doesn’t and you find someone who appreciates your wonderful food and your thoughtfulness. ❤️
Maybe you need to explain the anthropological concept of funerals and wakes and sitting shiva to your bf? It’s this human ritual where we come together as a community to provide practical support to the survivors, by bringing them food and other forms of basic assistance like cleaning, babysitting, maybe refilling their woodpile in the winter, so they can get through the early days of their loss without, you know, starving.
Every single human culture does it, worldwide. Except… hmmm.. not your boyfriend? I’m a little concerned for you OP. All jokes aside, either he’s a sociopath or he’s so deeply jealous that he might as well be a sociopath. What’s next? When you have kids, is he going to say you are looking for attention when your baby wakes you up for a night feeding? It’s kind of scary that he is criticizing you for being a good human. Please stay safe.
This is how I was raised. And it’s not just for real good friends but a neighbor or work acquaintance…but I’m from the Midwest US.
Making food or offering to cook is not fishing for compliments. Fishing for compliments would be following up to ask how she liked the dishes. Or asking your guests how things tasted and going and on about all the effort you put in.
I love to cook for others too.
Your boyfriend just doesn’t seem aware of this custom—probably because his mom always took care of it or something.
Your boyfriend sounds like a total turd. Maybe you should stop cooking for him?
Omg you love to cook – you’re not a martyr about it. If you hated it and bitched about it, then forced it on people, constantly asking if it’s good enough … THEN you’d be “fishing for compliments.”
It’s praise for doing something nice, and it’s earned.
In fact, next time you feed HIM, just sit really close to him, without any food for yourself, and every time he takes a bite, ask a form of “is it good?”
Do you like it?
Is it tasty enough?
Does it need heated up? Cooled down?
Does it need more salt? Pepper?
Should I throw it out?
Do you want me to remake it from scratch?
Should I just NEVER COOK AGAIN?
You’re bf had some serious issues if this is what causes him concern
Doing something for someone else because you have empathy and compassion is “craving validation?!”
Your boyfriend is self-centered, jealous, and insecure. All of which are problems HE needs to work on. Not you. HIM. In fact, you should probably rethink on whether you want to spend your time with someone so devoid of normal human emotion. Generally, that won’t end well.
There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing! You love cooking and it’s a big part of how you care for others. It was a lovely, practical gesture to support your friend. I know people who do that too, especially after a bereavement or a new baby.
Your BF’s attitude is a worry. If he carries on like that it could undermine your confidence and your pleasure in cooking for others. I think you need to call him out on it before it becomes a habit.
It sounds to me like you have to a jealous boyfriend.
Don’t stop cooking for people. My dad is just diagnosed with a brain tumor. When I get to Boston and sit with him during treatment I would love a friend like you
I’d suggest that you stop cooking for the boyfriend. Let home enjoy his Big Mac and fries.
this dude is unhinged. i make art and i love when people also like my art and compliment it. that being said i don’t make art JUST for compliments, i do it for me because i enjoy it. the compliments are just nice bc it shows others appreciate what i’m doing. that’s what this sounds like to me cooking is to you. your cooking seems like it’s at a level where you’ll get compliments just for cooking so he needs to step back and find his own hobby tbh.
Yikes. Your bf has some issues. One of them is that he’s an insecure asshole. I’m concerned about the fact his views impact you so much you’re considering to stop doing nice things for other people that make you feel good while doing them. That’s not the first time he’s done that, is it?
That sounds like he’s jealous and a bit of a negative nancy. Remember, your partner is suppose to support your passion.
My wife loves to decorate and host parties. I do not. She craves and gets extremely happy with validation when ppl compliments her on her decor.
I hate hosting and decorations. Not bc I’m a downer it’s bc I hate the cleaning up after and taking down the decorations. However, every time it’s that time of year, she’s happy and that’s all I want for her. So, I help in any way possible (she has to put up with my grumbling and complaining while doing it tho) and I even go as far as help her plan or buy her decorations that I think she would like.
Find you a partner who don’t find it weird that you love doing what you do and helps enhance that joy for you.
I’m similar! I love to give gifts – and acts of service. When my friends father died, I made sure to drive the five hours to him, to be there for him. I also got him a small something on my way up. I guess I do it for the validation – that smile that lights up someone’s eyes when you do something unexpected for them – but I also do it because I love letting people know I care about them, in my own way.
My boyfriend tells me I do this because I’m a good person – so by default you’re also doing these things because you’re a good person and you care about those close to you.
Your boyfriend is a jerk. What you did was full of love.
Your bf is being a jerk. Unless you have a habit of fishing for validation, I don’t see the problem. I’m like you, I cook for people to show love. Yeah it’s great when they compliment you, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing it just for that. Cooking for people who are mourning is a very standard practice, not anything new. It sounds like your bf is just projecting his own issues onto you.
It’s very concerning that he’s making a good attribute of yours into something negative. And talking about your need for validation… is he trying to give you a complex??
It’s giving emotional/ mental abuse vibes.
He has issues. He doesn’t like you doing something for others.
Cooking for people creates intimate dinner parties which is my preferred mode of socialization. Creating a menu, buying ingredients , cleaning the house before and after, doing all the cooking. This is all TREMENDOUS effort. There is nothing selfish about all of this effort. You want to enjoy time with your friends, and you are willing to do the work to create a nice setting. Ridiculous to say you do this because, “You crave validation”. Your boyfriend is a thoughtless idiot who imagines himself as some kind of armchair psychologist. Do not take his his empty words to heart.
>But I love to cook and especially cooking things for people I love.
For some reason this just seemed totally wholesome to me. I wish i had friends that enjoyed cooing, not inviting me over for dinner and telling me to bring my own food where by then end up eating mine and im stuck hungry 🙁
Your boyfriend is a huge asshole.
In some cultures they help make food for the bereaved family because that’s just something that the family shouldn’t have to deal with.
So in my opinion making food to help them out is perfectly good and reasonable thing you’re doing .
If it happens that they say thank you the food was so good , then I don’t see anything wrong with that
who doesn’t like getting compliments if they did something well! its not selfish at all. please never change, don’t let him get to your head 💕
I think it’d be more weird if your friend was going through a hard time and you DIDNT cook for her if it’s your passion. We all love validation and approval of things we care about. Cooking, gaming, cleaning, whatever it is. I think it’s how you show your love like you mentioned and he needs to stop being what sounds like insecure. It’s perfectly valid you want people to like your food if its how you show love.
You’re not weird and you shouldn’t stop cooking for people.
You cook for people because it’s a way to express care, concern, compassion, love, respect, empathy. The fact that people provide you compliments is just icing on the cake, but not the main reason you do it.
A home cooked meal is so comforting and so healing to people. They can taste the love and compassion in your food. It brings people joy, comfort and nutrition. It makes them feel cared for, appreciated and loved.
Don’t stop.
Your boyfriend is a dickhead. I do the exact same thing for people and it’s how I show them that I love them. It’s kind of my love language to people. My friends, family, and husband love it. My husband always asks me why my food tastes so damn good and I always explain that it’s because it was made with love. Your boyfriend sounds like a manipulative prick.
Cooking is a term of endearment for me – a love language. My excessively abusive ex used to do exactly that. I’m a pastry chef by passion, and come from a family of chefs(my brother owns a wildly successful BBQ sauce company out of Denver and just won the bid for the new restaurant South Parks creators are opening), so cooking for people is how we speak. He used to get livid at me for wanting to share with people and make me feel like it was for something nefarious.
Run, girl. Run fast and far and cook him a shit pie on the way out.
I’m assuming your boyfriend gets angry any time the world doesn’t revolve around him and his needs.
Not gonna lie, but I like it when people enjoy my cooking. My cooking is the only sincere compliments I ever receive, among all the negative criticism I usually receive on a daily basis. I make a mean lasagna that my uncle goes completely “Garfield” on 😂
Why are you okay with your bf thinking the worst of you by doing something you genuinely love ?
Your boyfriend sucks. Either he doesn’t understand how human beings function and interact with one another or he understands that cooking is a wonderful thing to do for someone who’s mourning, but he just wants to bring you down. Like why though? Is he trying to distance you from your friends or get all your attention for himself or just make you feel insecure? 🚩🚩🚩
Does your boyfriend even like you? Because wow. That is the worst accusation I have ever heard. And I would only guess he’d say that about someone if he thinks the worst of you or hated seeing you happy. So yeah, very awful take on his part and you should be absolutely offended.
Ur boyfriend is an ABSOLUTE weirdo, while you in fact are a gem. That’s such a kind gesture, when you’re grieving it’s impossible to think about the daily maintenances of life. Thinking about what to eat and going through the motions of making it and cleanup…impossible. Even without grief and just in everyday life, a lot of people (like me!) struggle with the act of feeding themselves daily (for reasons other than money) so it’s truly such a nice thing you’re doing.
You are not weird. Let me tell you, I would fight in a ring to have someone like you in my life (loves to cook for people??? I love to eat what other people cook…) I hope you never change and that cooking is always a pleasure and a release for you (instead of ever pressure or obligation)
Your boyfriend tho, ???? Something else must be going on right like is he jealous or insecure about something lmao is he projecting bc only people who are unhappy about something with themselves try to take other peoples joy away like that.
What’s wrong with validation being part or even all of the reason you’re doing this? It’s still a gesture that is monumentally helpful and kind, and is appreciated by the recipient. It’s not selfish to do good things because they make you feel good, instead, you’re a good person because doing good (feeding people) is what gives you joy. That’s incredible, and I hope your life surrounds you with people who deserve you.
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sry I just need to say it again. I feel a bone deep affection for people who feed me. You put in hours of labour and skill into making sure your friends are fed when they’re going through a rough time or when you’re welcoming them into your home, and I just cannot imagine how at any angle that could be looked at as “selfish, only doing for compliments, blah” like you DESERVE all the compliments! Dump him date me I will wash all the dishes and give you the best hand massages
Firstly, if you don’t dump the douche canoe, never EVER EVER EVER cook a damn thing for him. Make him smell it then fend for his own meal.
Never dull your shine for some shitty chud, girl. And it’s not too late by a longshot to be a chef! Fuck these naysayers!
How exactly does he think you’re fishing for compliments? Do you keep asking people “is the food ok?” “Do you think it’s good that i used x instead of y for this?” Etc?
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Your boyfriend is extremely insecure. The only thing you need to change is your relationship status.