So confused, been w bf 6 years first year I was madly in love and we would drink too much and get on arguments that would involve him instigating an argument until I’d explode and occasionally a push , once he drunkenly threw stuff around my house and broke my door down but we’d always make up and chalk it up to alcohol- fast forward 6 years I don’t rise to it and most times I just try to walk away from him yelling – last night he was in a dark rage after both of us drinking w friends and he freaked out thought I might be cheating and shoved me across the room- hard enough I have a small bruise on my chest- I called the cops but can’t help but feel like this is my fault for all the years of drinking and fighting- we’ve had talks of getting help stoping drinking – he starts and doesn’t stop I can drink and have no issue not – I feel like in the last 6 years I’ve drank more, fought more than I ever have in my life . It’s so ugly- I think back to a few time a when he’s kicked a chair out from under me or “ accidentally “
Knocked me off a deck – all of them drunk situations and then months might go by and we are good. He tends to be more negative and sometimes easily annoyed by things that don’t bother me. I then think maybe I just bring this out in him I know we need to not drink anymore but how do I know if it’s alchohol or abusive? Why do I feel like it’s my fault – I’m not a timid girl- I am not afraid to yell back sometimes and it seems like I just bring out the meanness. We do love each other but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if we just stop drinking then that makes us better. I don’t think he’s ever really gotten physical when we are sober. He may get super moody or fighty but not physical.
3 comments
You’re already making excuses and taking the blame for him.
“…I bring this out in him…” is a pretty textbook notion.
Your BF does seriously dangerous things to you, and it will only get worse.
Sure, booze facilitates the behavior, but it was always coming. Don’t wait long enough to find out what it’s like when he does something violent without having had a drop to drink.
You two are alcoholics (me too) and it’s imperative you stop drinking for several reasons. You’re not getting younger and your aging bodies are processing the alcohol differently, making both of you sloppier and more prone to violence.
I don’t know if your guy would be abusive without the alcohol, but we know 100% he’s abusive with it. You both need to be assessed by a professional who can recommend a course of treatment for each of you. If you don’t quit now, you are definitely putting your lives at risk, whether from damage to organs, domestic abuse, or accidental falls.
Btw, life on the other side is glorious. I drank like a tank for 30 years and can’t believe I’m lucky enough to still be here to learn how to enjoy life anew.
I’d recommend any person in a situation like yours read “Why Does He Do That?.[” I’ve linked the PDF here.](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Basically the premise is: You are NOT “bringing out” anything in him. The alcohol is only lowering his inhibitions, it’s not forcing him to do anything he wouldn’t ever do. If he is abusive to you when he’s drunk, it is because there is a small part of him that is willing to be abusive sober.