My boyfriend came over for Christmas Eve. He’s naturally very quite and shy but I’m the same way. My mom always points that out to me. She would say things like “he never makes eye contact with me”, “he’s too hard to have a conversation with”, and mention that she thinks he has anxiety. It’s very frustrating and I told her countless times to knock it off. My brothers new girlfriend came over and she’s very nice. But my mom made it so uncomfortable. She didn’t really keep my boyfriend in conversation, didn’t acknowledge him much, talked about people that hd wouldn’t know about like stuff not having to do with him. My boyfriend is from South Korea so English isn’t his first language and it might take a while for him to understand what’s being said. I really felt bad for the lack of conversation and acknowledgement. When my brothers girlfriend was leaving I heard my mom say to her “thank you for making my son happy” and she was even tearing up when she said that. Then when she left my mom went on telling my boyfriend and I how perfect she is, how much she loves her, and that she can see them getting married and having kids. It really makes me upset because she’s kissing this girls feet but she puts so much pressure on my boyfriend. I know if I ever address this to her she will blame it on my boyfriend for being “shy” and “it’s hard to have conversation with him”. All in all I just feel sad and disappointed
5 comments
How does your boyfriend feel about what happened?
I think you’re overthinking this.
It sounds like your mom likes your brother’s partner more than yours. That’s not a huge deal. You haven’t described her being hostile towards him or intentionally excluding him, she’s just also not making an intentional effort to include him.
Even the critiques you’ve described your mom having of your boyfriend are more about them not meshing than her disliking him. It doesn’t sound like she has anything against the man and it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend feels any particular way about them not clicking. So this seems like a non-issue.
Could this be more about you having an idea of how family events *should* be? Like you wanting everyone to be talking to each other and your boyfriend to start becoming part of the family. And since that’s not happening — while at the same time you do see it happening with your brother’s gf — you’re upset and directing it at your mother because you feel like she could’ve put more effort in to make it happen.
it’ll take time to get used to more English but it can happen, so in the meantime, just keep on steady with your relationship.
Tell her to be mature and stop being a disrespectful b word
Aw, I feel for everybody involved here. My partner’s native language is Swiss German, but he and his whole family are fluent in English. (I’m a native English speaker who can speak standard German at an intermediate level but Swiss German is quite difficult even for native German speakers.)
That’s all to say, I get how this must feel for your BF – it’s SO hard to translate fast enough to participate in a conversation. 🙁 It might be easier for him to connect with your mom in a smaller setting – maybe just the three of you – if she would also slow down her speaking a bit and leave time for him to respond. You can also step in and turn the conversation towards him, even in group settings, or touch his leg under the table, other things like that to make him feel included, present, noticed.
I think overall this is not a big deal – it’s the first time your mom is meeting your brother’s gf, so it’s natural to have this excited, really forward-looking response. It’ll wear off in time and she’ll probably be nagging him about some habit or behavior his gf has, too.