Proposing to my gf later this year but for some reason I’m anxious about this. We have a great sex life currently so it’s more of an irrational thought, but I’m worried since I’m young (25) I want to be sexually active for a long long time.
My GF has made comments like “when I’m your wife I will be very demanding sexually” but I guess since she has gone on BC her libido has gone down a little which isn’t too worrisome. Anyways seeking advice on how you all kept the spice going
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1.) Make sure you’re mostly sexually compatible before you marry them.
2.) If a partner experiences a sudden drop in Libido, get checked out by your doctor. Get your hormones checked.
3.) Communicate your wants and desires to them. Don’t expect them to read your mind.
4.) Marriage is a compromise. Somebody’s libido is always going to be higher than the others. If you have the higher libido, figure out what you can tolerate(the frequency of sex). Communicate that to your partner.
5.) Your sex life will decrease some with age. That’s not a automatic sign of a bad relationship.
Talk to her about your concerns dude. If you can’t even bring your concerns about the future of your relationship to her then you certainly shouldn’t marry her
Keep dating her. My sex life has gotten even better as the years pass
I think the main thing is to accept that you are talking about a relationship that potentially lasts many decades and sex will ebb and flow over time for both of you during those years. You can’t predict what’s going to happen to both of you during that time and how it will affect your individual libidos. From what I have seen and experienced dead bedrooms often start as a slow down or pause in someone’s libido, after kids being a common one, and the other partner meets that with entitlement and pressure rather than love and acceptance. This creates a pursuer/distancer dynamic (look it up) that is just hell on a relationship and kills whatever was left of a sex life.
The other really common dynamic is that people get married or have kids and the husband turns into a man baby sitcom dad which is usually pretty unattractive to most women.
Sex is how adults play. Pay attention to her closely, the subtle ways she moves and breathes and vocalizes, especially during foreplay and immediately after sex. Play with learning how to elicit those responses. Touch her very gently or not at all, just moving your hands over her body for long minutes at a time, then ravish her with your full primal masculinity, then go getle and tender again. Spend half the day in bed without concern for your own orgasm. Make lovemaking your playground.
Communicate. Keep dating. We’re almost 10 years in and still trying new things and the quality is better than ever.
Kids are huge cock blocks though, so keep that in mind if you want kids.
Marriage hasn’t changed anything for us. Kids is what changed it.
Don’t stick her with all the housework, or otherwise treat her in an unfair or entitled fashion. Nothing kills a bedroom faster than resentment.
I’ve been married 6 years now, but imo sex is like a symptom of a happy marriage. If you all are fighting / arguing there’s going to be a distinct lack of sex. So really just standard “always be working on communication” advice.
Also buy you and her some nerf guns. We use them when we have fights and they help break the tension. Once the tensions broken it’s easier to fix the underlying issues.
Been married 10 years and our sex life is the best it’s ever been. Just be a good husband. Take her on dates. Act interested in the things she likes to do. Just make her happy
Invest time in each other, the relationship, and yourselves as individuals. Yes, the kids, house, and work will be exhausting and take every ounce of energy you’ve got. But there will be nothing left for each other and yourselves if you don’t create that space first.
People told me to do these things when I was married (I’m now happily divorced), but I wish I had done them:
* Go on dates without the kids and try not to talk about them. Get a babysitter you trust, and keep them on retainer. Schedule dates.
* Go to couples therapy. Fuck the naysayers. You’re a team and need to learn to communicate effectively to keep things real, loving, and connected.
* Have friends. Men in particular suck at creating platonic bonds, and it’s important to feel a sense of camaraderie and trust with buddies who get it.
* Create experiences together. Memories last way longer than things, and if you can both laugh about that one time you XYZ, years from now it’ll help.
Most of these things don’t even involve sex, but that’s because they form the foundation for a safe, loving relationship. And THAT is where the best sex happens.
Source: Married at 25 dude.
Edit: Thank you kindly for the e-awards!
Yeah, birth control does that.
If she were asking for advice, because it’s affecting her body, the answer would be to keep talking to the doctor about it and exploring other BC methods.
Because you’re asking, the advice is to continue to support her and to learn about why a change in hormones affects her that way. And to consider when done having kids if a vasectomy makes sense, because you have much fewer possible side effects than decades of BC will cause her.
Life changes a lot after marriage and everything moves in cycles. There are times when my wife and I are like rabbits and times when we barely touch each other for weeks. It just happens because priorities change and life is crazy, especially with kids. The best advice is this: if your relationship satisfaction is dependent on sex, you will not survive. Your relationship needs to have a foundation that is stronger than sex because life will absolutely get in the way of your sex life. Good luck.
Don’ expect of her to do everything around the house, keep dating, don’t take her for granted.
You have to have intimacy throughout the day. Think of it as preheating the oven. Build that intimacy though acts of kindness, doing the dishes, laundry, cleaning, continuing to date as if you’re still trying to win her heart. If you don’t put forth the same effort, no matter how far you are into the relationship, someone else outside of your relationship will. Always act as if someone else is trying to win her over and you need to work to keep her. Too many people will only put forth effort to catch the other person and then coast as if they’ve won and no more effort is needed. Don’t do that! Date her every day!
Never stop dating her. Always treat her like you’re pursuing her for marriage and it should remain the same until you have kids.
Watch the Addams Family and behave life Morticia and Gomez
There is no magic bullet. It takes giving the best version of yourself to your partner, and them reciprocating that back to you. It takes dating throughout marriage, and being emotionally available. It takes listening, and and not just hearing. It takes actions, not just words. It takes being faithful, and I like to throw in there, having an affair with your spouse. It takes love, but also comprises, throughout the relationship. It takes not allowing people in, who do not support and uplift the relationship, and removing anyone who does not support it. It takes being available, making your partner and also them making you feel sexy, wanted, and desired. It takes both people giving everything to the relationship to keep it thriving and alive. Without one you can’t have the other. It takes one to lift up the other when they are down, and build them back up, and vice versa.
It takes all of that and when one feels neglected it takes them opening up and sharing their feelings. So open up to her, and talk about it, and ask her what you can do to help, where you could do better, and have some radical honesty for a bit of time.
Google “Dread Game”, an RP concept for reigniting dead bedrooms.
But the answer is pretty simple. Remain fuckable. In other words be attractive/don’t be unattractive and maintain yourself as the guy she fell in love with in the first place. That means date her, seduce her, be a challenge to her. Fitness, grooming, game.
A great test- are you attractive to OTHER women? Do you get hit on in the bar? Do you see IOIs from girls. Remember if you are attractive to your GF then it stands to reason you are attractive to other women as well. Maintain some game, you can even flirt a bit with Stacey in the bar, but then bring that energy back to your girl. Because what girl wants a guy that no other girl fancies? Gotta be that guy.
Talk about it now. Make it something you can talk about later.
As you both age things may change. Jobs, stress, kids…life. Keep talking. Keep touching. Take trips. Get aways. Spice things up if it gets stagnant.
Two things that fuck a womens libido up. Birth control and kids. Be ready to ride the waves of change when you have kids. Be patient it’s a long haul.
Don’t have mismatched libidos.
Understand and be considerate that children and hormones change everything.
Respecting one another has to be an absolute priority. People remember when they are wronged or slighted and you don’t generally want to sleep with people who do you wrong.
Be a good housemate.
Just don’t have kids. My wife and I still fuck like rabbits (together for 10 years, married for 4.5).
We’ve been married 25 years and together 27. Overall great sex life. Yet it’s not our focus, which I believe is why we have such a great sex life. Our focus is intimacy and just being best friends. The rest just happens. We’ve gone through lulls of no sex for weeks and, when our daughter was sick we didn’t have sex for about 14 months. No biggie. We made up for it but intimacy and friendship saw us through. Now at nearly 50 sometimes we go at it like teenagers for 2-3 weeks then not so much for a week or two. It’s awesome either way. So my advice is friendship, intimacy, and communication will be what keeps that sexual spark burning.
I’d say the goal is “to love” not “be loved”.. as long as both parties have on their mind
“how can I love him/her more or differently today?”
Which will result in both of you “being loved”
r/deadbedrooms
Stress is the killer of sex.
Kill stress, save sex.
Been married 5 years, and have had a rich 5 years of experience.
Don’t start anything you’re not willing to do for the rest of your life. When we were dating my husband rubbed my back every night and would always say “why would I ever not want to do that for you?” Now I have to ask which isn’t often and when I do you can tell he doesn’t want to. Basically don’t set up unrealistic expectations.
Continue to date. Continue to chase. Show her that her emotional safety and peace is important to you and is a top priority. Don’t withhold the intimacy and emotional connection and then complain when your SO isn’t in the mood anymore. (again, my short 5 years is rich with been there done that). Don’t forget to ask questions, show concern when she’s having troubles, show interest in her, and choose her daily.
Don’t let resentment grow. That’s like weeds in a garden that you will fight like hell to fix but often never fully goes away. Resentment is a big time bedroom and marriage killer.
Oh, and communicate and comprehend. Don’t just talk to be heard, but listen and understand their side just as much. Communication isn’t effective unless you’re trying to truly understand their side, even if it seems irrational. I can say that my PMSing days are rough. They absolutely do not define my real self, and if she ever has rough days like that, just keep in mind what could be going on behind the scenes. I’ve learned if I get out the irrational in a calm and safe way, it melts away and I always uncover the truth beneath. It helps having a partner that understands or at least tries to.
You’re 25? Don’t get married yet. That’s the only way to avoid the dead bedroom.
Don’t have kids
She’ll want to have great sex when she wants kids. Try and prolong that as long as you can. Then you’ll have a kid and sex is gone. Until she wants more. It’s a trap really.