This could be a long post so sorry in advance, also, I’m on mobile so formatting may be bad.
To start off, I recently closed distance on a long distance relationship. Me (F) going to his country. I’ve known this guy for well over a decade, I really honestly thought I knew him inside out, but I don’t think I do. At all.
So, I knew he’d had a sort of thing in 2016/2017 with another girl. We were just friends at this point and as far as I knew from what he told me, they didn’t talk anymore after she kinda gave him the cold shoulder. I find out early this year that they very much do still talk, a lot. He was asking for her ring size, comparing me to her in looks, taste, everything. Telling her if this didn’t work out with me that he would just wait for her to be single again. How he often thinks of her ass etc. He also has a board for her on Pinterest filled with love quotes and ‘I miss you’ quotes.
I called him out on this after finding the messages one day by pure chance. I was making the bed and shook the covers, his phone fell on the floor and as I picked it up, I saw her name. He didn’t deny it, but said it meant nothing, she means nothing, he was just trying to give her a confidence boost etc. He has greatly reduced the amount they talk now and the context is just casual when they do message.
It also came to light that he had a pretty big addiction to porn and Instagram fitness girls. He had *thousands* of screenshots of Instagram girls and hundreds of bookmarked porn tabs across his phone, iPad and PC. He was watching it every single day and telling me he wasn’t. He would spend hours of his day searching for new girls to follow. He also has hundreds of magazines like Playboy etc.
I brought this up also and told him that this behaviour is an issue, well, more just the fact he lied to me about it when I gave him so many opportunities to just tell me. If he’d told me it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as much of an issue. Now, he has stopped using his Instagram account and taking screenshots (except the odd one or two) and doesn’t consume porn. He does still search for girls though and views them on Instagram without logging in.
He told a friend back in August how he sometimes sees his crush or ‘ex girlfriend’ from elementary and even though he’s with me, whenever he sees her her feels something still….. this kinda made me roll eyes as he would have been so young, not even a teenager I think.
He also has a female best friend. She’s got 3 kids and a long term partner but the things he says to her just….. he told her he loved her like the rain outside with no sign of stopping…. He claims it’s a platonic love but I really doubt it. He has framed photos of her (just her, not her and him). For Christmas this year for example, we went to deliver her card together and its in a big golden envelope with ‘buddy’ written in big sharpie letters. Meanwhile I got a card from the grocery store (I only know because I’d seen the card while buying a few cards for friends), a small standard card, no printed text inside or outside and he just copied some quotes from Pinterest to write inside.
I feel like he is in this relationship because he doesn’t wanna be lonely. I’m convenient, I love him and make him feel good. During the start of our relationship he didn’t seem the most interested or bothered but now he tells me daily I’m the love of his life, his soulmate, his everything. He wants to marry me, he wants me to be the mother of his children etc.
I’m torn because I feel like he has some kinda second life or persona and the guy I thought I knew isn’t who he really is. I just keep uncovering new things and I’m tired of talking to him about it. I feel like everything he says is a lie these days. He says honesty is key to any relationship yet he can’t be honest at all.
Do I cut my losses and move back to my home country before I get too established in his?