i work remotely but i used to go into office and this guy who used to be in a managerial position just came back after hiatus. he was walking past my desk and we made eye contact and he said “there he is!” and pat me on the shoulders pretty rough and walked off and at the time it happened so fast but i so badly wanted to stand up and smack him because i didnt like it.
fast forward to now, a month later, i moved away working fully remote and im holding onto this grudge like i want to get revenge or ‘right this wrong’ because it felt so emasculating and disrespectful seeing as he is a shorter guy just louder
my question is, should i stop ruminating on it, let go of the pride and continue focusing on improving my life and myself or is it right that ‘as a man’ i stick up for my pride and try to at least message him and tell him i didnt like that? its been enough time that if i were to message him about it it would look weird like its affecting me too much. thats why im wondering if its just better to move on and things like this arent worth obsessing over? is it more mature and masculine to move on?
28 comments
ugh. Sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s one of those “lose-lose” passive-aggressive situations. Maybe a quick “Hey please don’t touch my shoulder like that” and maybe a quick detail on a fake “injury” to give a reason for him to not touch it anymore? I don’t know. I hate these kind of situations because of how quickly things can turn against you with the wrong approach.
Send the guy a box of dicks and move on. You got bigger fish to fry, friend.
I think you ought to let it go. The moment has passed and messaging him now wouldn’t be worth the hassle. Seek freedom and peace in your own mind. See it as a learning opportunity for you!
By that I mean, going forward, if he (or anybody else) does that to you again, you owe it to yourself to speak up. You don’t need to be some intense vassal of justice about it. Just something, “hey, can you not touch me like that on the shoulder in the future? I don’t like it very much.” It’s your body, it’s your personal space. Physical touch isn’t great for everybody.
Holy shit you gotta let things go man…lol’d at “he is shorter” hahaha. Your going to snap one day if these are the things that take over your mind
Dude, get a grip, let it go and move on.
It sucks. The only solution I’ve found for stuff like that is to go play rugby, or take MMA practice. When I feel strong, and secure in myself, petty stuff like that doesn’t bother me as much.
I cannot imagine this bothering me for maybe more than an afternoon. Let this go man.
This is one of the weirdest posts I’ve read on this sub.
Get a grip dude. This sounds like no big deal at all.
This sounds like a friendly and jocular greeting that you misinterpreted
Looks like the only option left is to challenge him to a death-match and restore your honor.
Seriously though, there’s nothing to let go. You just gotta look at yourself and ask why you consider a rough shoulder pat “emasculating.” That’s honestly bizarre.
I’m sorry, what is the problem and why do you need revenge on this guy? I just don’t get it.
Definitely let that go. You can’t know if he meant anything by it. Maybe he’s just boisterous and physical by nature, and to him, it’s a way of expressing camradre.
And even if he *was* trying to be disrespectful or assert dominance or whatever the fuck, who cares? I find it’s far more satisfying to exist outside that game. When someone wants to be the big dick, I let them until and unless it interferes with my goals, at which point I don’t try to one up them or assert myself, I just fuck off and do my own thing.
Seek professional help, this is a very disturbing reaction to a completely innocuous and friendly interaction.
This is an insane post. Take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you’re so upset by this tiny encounter. You’ve been boiling about this for a **month**. That’s crazy.
You already know that you should have let it go a month ago. Now what you need to do is work out why this upset you and fix that problem.
Are you not misconstruing his intentions? In fact, how are you even certain of his intentions? It seems like his intentions were jovial, friendly, and without any ill-intent. The idea that even a pat on the back is now harassment or requires consent of some kind is patently stupid.
Brother you need therapy.
If it really affects you as a man, respectfully talk to that dude in a private setting and say it really startles you when he pats you like that on the shoulder and a fist bump will be just fine. Upfront, cordial, calm assertiveness makes you a man’s man. He can’t read minds.
I don’t know you are anyone in that situation, but I will *GUESS* that this isn’t about a pat on the back, but rather that you felt stepped on and powerless a number of time earlier in your life.
It isn’t easy, but finding that in your head seems like it has the most potential to let this go and to stop making yourself unhappy about it.
The problem is *gone*, since you are working from home. The opportunity to say something about it in a timely context is also gone. I think bringing it up now would just make you look a little bit weak and a little nuts. You aren’t either, you had something “new” poke an old sore spot in your head.
You need to find a way to see that sore spot and deal with it being sore while behaving in a down to Earth way.
It seems to me he was kinda happy to see you and didn’t mean any harm by it, albeit it was “pretty rough”. You need get over it and not have such a fragile ego.
This wouldn’t phase me at all…I got way bigger problems to worry about
Are you emotionally exhausting yourself every night thinking about all the different ways you could’ve ‘handled’ that shoulder tap, and during the day you’re having these imaginary fights with this person and maybe other people as well?
When compliments sound insincere, greetings sound mandatory, orders sound rude, help seems condescending and a shoulder pat seems emasculating, I can absolutely assure you that you are the problem. Your pride is trying overcompensate for your insecurities and it has become absolutely toxic.
Stop ruminating and start looking into how a shoulder pat can have this effect on you.
And no, there was no hidden meaning behind it, it was 100% just a shoulder pat.
First of all, it sounds like maybe he didn’t mean anything by it and that you just didn’t like it. Secondly, unless he is continuing to do things, I would let it go. If he continues, then address the current situation.
Lmaooo!!! Omg!!! You’re good brother…. just let it go.
You don’t like him, I’m guessing?
Because he seems pretty friendly to pat you on the shoulder and show you / the office he was excited to see you. Don’t take it the wrong way.
And if you’re not on good terms and feel it was offensive, it’s still probably best to let it go at this point. The time to speak was the second it happened or shortly after.
Also, please do not go shoot up your job or something. It seems like if you can’t let things like this go after a month, you will have a much more difficult time when an actually bad incident occurs and that you may not be completely mentally stable.
Perhaps you should see a therapist, honestly.
Move on, for sure. And if you have a similar encounter you can put your hand up and set the boundary.
what if that was his way of being friendly?
don’t get worked up about it. let that shit go.
Damn, and I thought I was fucked up 😂
IMO, let it go. I’ve been in similar situations, where a boss was a loud bombastic guy that would occasionally touch other guys in ways like that. Either a shoulder squeeze or like tapping your stomach after talking about something you had eaten or something. I think he did that, and several other small things, as like a dumb dominance kind of move. I didn’t like it, and it was annoying at the time, but it doesn’t actually cause me any harm and it isn’t like psychologically damaging. I understand what he was doing, and why he was doing it, and it informs my opinion of him. It’s like if some guy gives an overly firm handshake. He’s the weirdo who is being a jackass. Unless he injures your hand or you have reason to believe other people are in danger because of him, I would just write him off as a jerk and move on.
You appear to have really serious problems working through some things. I hate when people say this as it is overused, but you should really seek counseling.
Yeah I think you need to do some inner work on WHY this has bothered you so much.