Im just so frustrated and need to get it out of my chest.
My partner (M30) and me (31F) have been best friend x 15 years, in love for 4, together for 2. We are very much in love and care for the other.
But here’s the deal: He had a back injury that left him unable to move that much. During those 6 months, pre and post surgery, I took the reins of all sexual activity, unreciprocated because he was not too mobile. I used sex to distract him and make him forget the pain for a while. I was always the one who initiated.
He’s totally recovered now and is obese. He’s got an overating disorder and is going to therapy and a liiitle bit to the gym to sort it out, I’m so happy and proud of him.
But our sex life is non existent.
Do not want to sound conceited, but I am healthy, fit and pretty. I workout 5 days a week, take care of my hair, skin, etc, I put the effort and I actually look the best that I’ve ever looked. I could wear the sexiest outfit, it doesnt matter. He doesnt even look my way.
I get overwhelming attention from men. But I dont care what other men think, I love him and I want just him to look at me with desire, he is the most precious person in the world.
We have spoken at lenght about it. He has simply lost interest in sex, he does not masturbate, he feels disconnected from his body.
And I get it, I do. But what about the emotional closeness of the act, the intimacy? I miss him.
I hope that doing more physical activities reconnects him with that part of himself. We’ve been together 2 years, and one of them has been with unreciprocated or non existent sexual activities.
We are working through it, and we love each other, and I understand this is so hard for him
But I need to vent cause Im hurt too and feel touch starved, and undesirable, and like a sex crazed bully when all I want is a normal sex life with the man I love.
EDIT: Thank you for your comments.
To clarify, when we talk about this he says would I want to be with him if we were to not have sex again? (To which I said yes cause I love him regardless, but I would need a way to get intimacy) Also that its just something that is not on his mind. That he thinks Im pretty, but just doesnt have the strenght or the impulse to do anything regardind sex.
When I do initiate, he sometimes rejects me cause he’s not feeling it, or he feels heavy.
Other times he goes with it, and he gets an erection after a bit of work on my side, but doesnt last too long and it frustrates him.
I’ve reassured him I desire him in any way, shape or form and often tell him how handsome he is. Also that I dont mind him not lasting long . I dont need him with a raging boner all the time – even if he’s not hard I’d like him to try to caress me, kiss me, pleasure me , and that doesnt happen
17 comments
I understand what your saying (not rlly cuz I am aro/ace) one of the many love languages, and a healthy part of a relationship is sex, and I know how you feel, not getting this from your partner must be horrible, but please give him some time. him being overweight, he must feel ugly. I, being trans cant bring myself to think about having sex in the body I have right now, so he must feel the same, give him some time and be sure to make him feel loved and happy in his body so he can get the confidence he needs to be able to have an active sex life
im sorry if this doesnt make sense or if the amount of commas i used was annoying, just trying to help the best I can since no one commented
It’s normal to feel the way you’re feeling. As a partner, you have to take on some of their mental health, because you’re living with it 24/7, and it’s physically _exhausting_ when it’s a condition such as depression or anxiety.
But if he’s feeling disconnected from his own body, then he wouldn’t be in the mood for anything, not just sex. He’s feeling disconnected from his own head as well, which means the urge for intimacy and the desire to be close is either not there or it’s just bundled with all other desires and feelings.
But you’re not a bully for the way you feel, it’s difficult to go through this.
Sit with him and talk to him about how you feel and if possible, do couple counseling so you can find out what’s going on with him and how to fix things between you two.
He sounds super depressed honestly. I deal with an overeating issue myself, and I was at my heaviest over 300lb about a year ago, I entered the worst state of my depression near the end of my last relationship before I hit that weight, but I was still overweight at the time, my desire for my ex had completely left me, and it had nothing to do with her. It’s one of the few things I feel guilty about in that relationship, because she was pushing all my buttons in that department, but getting nothing from me, and I’m sure that did a number to her confidence. It really had nothing to do with her, and it was nearly impossible to get that point across for me. There’s several issues with being overweight and desiring sex, one is energy levels are low, sex takes a lot of energy. Self image is low making you nervous in bed that you aren’t attractive to your lover anymore, that anxiety would always get the best of me. On top of those two issues, you produce less testosterone and more oestrogen when overweight as a male, which really messes with your libido. He could try libido boosting supplements, but overall him getting healthy again both mentally and physically is what’s going to help with the problem. It’s just a waiting game for you, maybe talk about at least wanting more intimacy even if he’s having issues getting in the mood, you can still touch and cuddle and do all that stuff.
This is tough, I’m sorry you’re going through this; this is going to sound like a bit of a selfish option perhaps, but have you considered taking a year apart for self improvement (on both sides)? Maybe maintaining a very close friendship while he puts his focus into getting into better mental and physical shape, and you could pursue intimacy elsewhere if you want, or simply be a really supportive and caring friend through his journey. The reason I’m suggesting a break from the actual partnership here is that, as you said, it’s very one sided and has been for a while, and I think that’s going to keep hurting you. Taking a break gives you time to focus on yourself emotionally instead of doing everything for someone who isn’t reciprocating.
It’s interesting because this happens very often with the genders reversed.
You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy (mentally or physically). You have to decide if you think it will change and if so are you willing to Wait that long.
Good luck.
What does he say when you talk to him about sex? How does he react when you initiate sex?
What does he say when you talk to him about sex? How does he react when you initiate sex?
Honestly, it sounds like you’re not compatible anymore. You’re not getting what you need from a partner and he has a lot of work to do to recover mentally. He may never go back to being the man you fell for.
Consider returning to being platonic friends. You can still be emotional support for him, but acknowledged you no longer work as lovers.
When you’re ready to date, you can find someone else who is better fit for you as a romantic partner.
I was once in a position where I was heavily overweight due to medication that should never have been prescribed to me. I had always been around 75 to 80 kg and then suddenly I shot up to 115. It made me very depressed, which led to a lack of motivation to shift the extra weight but a desire to comfort eat and feel sorry for myself. I lost the desire to be intimate with somebody because I hated the way I looked and felt. Finally I was given the kick in the ass I needed to shed that weight and slim down, and all of my sexual wants came back.
Maybe your husband is in need of something similar, he just doesn’t know how to get started. It can seem like such an uphill struggle.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You both sound like decent people and it sucks that this is happening to your relationship.
I went through similar with my ex but we communicated far less and called it quits after 5 years together. The final straw for me was the lack of intimacy and xommunication. He would just shut down on me if I wanted to talk about sex.
I’m glad you are both being open and honest with each other. I think if you do love him and really want to stay together, regardless of the dead bedroom, then you may have to accept the reality that, worst case scenario, this is a permanent situation. If you think you can live with that and come up with some sort of arrrangement that suits both of you, then it could work.
This really depends on your need for intimacy and sex. Personally, I couldn’t do it, no matter how much I love my partner. It’s a basic need for me. Your feelings may or may not vary, but you’ll have to be very honest with yourself and him.
This isn’t a typical situation so the solution may also be non-typical. Have you thought of an open relationship? Could you talk to him about it? That’s just one way to go, I’m sure there’s a few others, but my point is that if you are committed to making it work you’ll have to think outside the box.
Best of luck, I hope you guys figure out something that makes you both happy. And massive props to you for staying patient with him through all of this.
It sounds like your husband is really struggling with chronic pain and depression amongst a few other things. It’s not that your husband doesn’t care or finds you undesirable, he’s probably feeling exhausted and sick most of the time. If you were in your husband’s situation would you feel like having sex? Would you even have the energy to get aroused? Probably not.
It’s okay to be frustrated, but understand that your husband is not doing this out of a lack of love or desire for you.
It sounds like he needs mental and physical therapy? What was the circumstances of the back issue? Was it a traumatic event?
The back is connected to everything in your body. Even if he’s healed, it’s likely something was damaged when he got hurt.
Lady, your husband sounds like he is depressed and is struggling.
Hmm, maybe he feels cornered and it’s tough to drum up desire for someone who controls every aspect of the sexual relationship. As an outsider maybe he just needs space and time where sex is not a topic and is able to recenter and initiate on his own?
As a guy who is married and had “a few” major injuries over the course of a 34 year marriage I can attest to the fact that going through what he is can be tough. Pain, surgery, medications, ego and other stuff all affect sex drive. Opioid painkillers can do a bad number on sex drive. The best thing here is to be a true partner and work through this with him. If the effort is put in things get better.
If he’s obese you should get the fat vacuumed out.
Being fat can be super depressing and soul crushing. Removing it could basically fix every issue.