(Trigger warning SA)
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I was a victim of SA. It was when I was 16 (my first time having sex was unconsensual).
Fast forward into the future: today I have a beautiful loving girlfriend but we have a rough time having sex. I tend to be triggered very easily and brought back into a situation where I feel like I needed to defend myself or I feel like something happens to me that I can’t control or don’t actually want. We are trying really hard to figure something out but it just doesn’t work .
Obviously it’s also really harsh on her because she misses having sex with me and I often say no so she feels rejected. She feels like she can’t do anything without me feeling threatened.
Sorry for the lacklustre writing. English is not my first language. If you have any advice or questions feel free to share it thank you.
3 comments
One word – therapy
You should not feel guilty about what is happening. Your reaction and the reaction of your girlfriend are both understandable.
You seem to have symptoms of PTSD or something similar (traumatisme from your SA). It seems important, in my opinion, that you work on this first.
Has your SA affected other aspects of your life (something other than your sexual behavior) ? Something like the fear of certain places, certain people or anything that might make you remember what happened?
Have you seen a psychologist? I don’t know in which country you are but I believe a psychologist trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) would help you. EMDR might also help but I prefer CBT.
Later, if your sexual life doesn’t satisfy you, a sexologist might be helpful but not now.
Does your girlfriend know about your SA ? Have you spoken about the reason you acted this way?
I was reading some of you comments about not being able to find a therapist near you. Can you look into telemedicine? Find a therapist that you can see remotely via video chat. Not getting help is not fair to you or your gf. You need to take ownership and control of this so that you can get over it.
And also you may want to get into bondage. If you feel like you are more in control of the situation. Those feelings of not being in control may be lessened.