Howdy all, just looking for some tips to reduce insecurity in my newish relationship
My partner and I have been exclusive for about 3 months, and have dated since August.
She (F) is 27 and I (M) am 24, if that matters.
I am very rarely insecure in myself & have rarely been insecure in past relationships.
She is from a smaller rural town & has flown back for the Christmas period, this is the first time we have been apart for a longish time (approx. 3 weeks)
As she is from a smaller town, I know that she will be around her friend groups that include some guys from past flings & I know they are all drinking together.
There are absolutely 0 red flags that she has shown in our time together, none at all, and frankly, I do trust her to not cheat, though I guess you can never be certain.
Is there anyway / anything that I can reduce my insecurity / anxiety levels while she is away?
I have voiced my ‘concerns’ to her & she has reassured me that nothing would ever happen with anyone else while we are together.
Sorry for the rambling, though I am struggling to not think of her cheating & have no reason to think that she would.
TLDR: New partner has gone away for Christmas back to her small rural town & is hanging around past flings of hers (and other girl friends) & I am struggling with anxiety of her cheating (extremely rare for me)
4 comments
Hopefully you can find peace of mind through communicating with her
Sometimes we project onto partners what we might do, if we were in their place. If you went back to your hometown alone for the holidays, might you feel tempted to cheat on your GF with one or more of your old exes or flings? If your answer is no, then what makes you think your GF feels any less committed to your relationship than you do?
If your answer is yes, remember that being tempted and actually following through on temptation are very different things. If you love your GF and you’ve promised to stay true to her, how much real value would you put on that extremely tempting offer from a luscious previous sex partner? You’d be trading an hour or two of short-term pleasure for long-term shame, guilt, and possibly the end of your promising relationship with your GF. Not a great deal, even where sex is involved.
Your GF understands that dynamic, too. Most 27-yo women have considerable experience in shutting down unwanted sexual offers from past flings, random strangers, and everyone in-between. If she had been seriously interested in any other man, she wouldn’t be in a relationship with you now.
If she has given you zero reason to suspect she would cheat, I expect your anxiety comes more from a sense of loneliness than from a fear of infidelity, due to your longest physical separation since meeting her. Tell her you are missing her madly – she’ll appreciate hearing that – and then ask her to please call you before she goes out with friends and when she gets home each night, just so you know she is safe. I wish you well.
Well it’s good that she reassured you and understood your concerns. Anxiety over this is very normal, you just have to breathe and remind yourself that she has no reason to cheat. You both seem to have a healthy relationship with open and easy communication and understanding. How I see it, stressing and worrying over a “what if” is only going to hurt you and possibly her. You just have to ignore that part of your brain that is overthinking this, because overthinking is your mind telling you lies to make you feel bad. Just continue to trust her and reassure yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask her for reassurance also.
You say there’s been no red flags and she’s given you no reason not to trust her, right? So trust her. That’s it. That’s all you do. That’s all you can do.
Be prepared for everything in your relationship to collapse when you let your insecurity about this run wild because you don’t trust someone that you said gives you no reason not to trust them and no red flags have popped up (except the insecurity you see in your mirror).
Your also making some crazy assumptions here. Just because it’s a past fling, there’s also a reason why that’s all it was. And even if your partner does bump into a past fling, why are you assuming that the past fling isn’t in a relationship with someone they’re very happy with?
Sometimes, and this is just my opinion on this sort of thing, I see these sort of insecurities being very telling of a person in a relationship. They don’t trust their partner to not cheat because they know that if the roles were reversed, they probably would if the opportunity presented itself.
I’d say speak to a therapist about your trust issues and work on that instead of worrying about your partner spending the holidays in her home town with her family & friends.