Hello – my sister [33] and myself [31] never had the best relationship growing up. My sister was a “mean girl” in high school; probably due to her insecurity. I was not one of the ”cool” kids, but I did have my own friend group. My sister and I didn’t speak to each other for years after high school because my conversations with her ended up with her saying incredibly hurtful things to me including “I think you’re autistic.” “You don’t have a life because you don’t have a boyfriend”. “Did you go to graduate school just to make me look bad?” I understand that a lot of it was batshit and came from a place of competitiveness and insecurity. When I turned 27, we started to get along better because we both had grown out of our insecurities and started to really want each other to succeed. However, today, my mom brought up in a RECENT conversation my sister -told my mom- that I and my fiancé are autistic. I have seen a few therapists before for depression and other issues and none of them have ever diagnosed me as autistic. My sister does not have a degree in psychology/psychiatry or a related field. I’m upset that she said this to my mom and I’m upset that she may have said this to other people. I think anyone who knows me would know that I’m sometimes a bit awkward and shy, but I don’t think it has interfered with my ability to communicate with others. In other words anyone who knows me would know she’s full of shit. But it still bothers me because I feel like my trust is broken with her. I plan on talking to her about it after the holidays but I don’t know how to approach it. Also has she been being nicer to me because she truly believes I’m autistic and she needs to change how she behaves around me? I feel weird and upset and I will be around her during Christmas tomorrow. Advice on how to be around her tomorrow? Advice on how to get past this and let her know she hurt my feelings?
TLDR; Sister has decided my fiancé and I are autistic and told my mom. How do I address her about this appropriately?
EDIT: My mom has been a school teacher for the past 10-15 years and has experience working with neurodivergent kids. She did not believe my sister. But I think some of you in the comments are correct- my mom shouldn’t have told me if she had already openly disagreed with my sister. Also I do not think neurodivergence is abnormal or negative thing – the context my sister was using the terminology in felt negative and if it came across that I think autism is “bad” I apologize and I’ll try to do better. I think I will talk with her to get the context as to why she said what she said to my mom. The context might also help with how she said it because from my mom, the way she said it seemed negative. After sleeping on it- I’m not upset with my sister or mom for that matter and I don’t feel like a victim. (1) if my sister used autistic in a negative light she should be made aware that this is not acceptable (2) if she genuinely felt that I was neurodivergent I wish she had spoken to me about it rather than my mom. Thank you for the advice.
25 comments
Seems she was just nice to you so she could be cruel all over again.
Just tell her straight up “I’m not autistic and I thought you changed, what you told mom really hurt my feelings”
Probably time to distance yourself from her again, there really is no excuse for her behavior.
Tell your sister she’s a closed-minded asshat who probably got diagnosed with autism herself and this is just another pisspoor attempt to make her feel better about her insecurities. Autism is common, about 1 in 100 so she’s probably met many people on the spectrum already without noticing. People on the spectrum are like everyone else. Also, recommend the movie “Let me be me” about a successful fashion designer with autism who is noticeably on the spectrum but still has a more successful career than she will ever have.
Sorry for my pettiness but this stuff is obnoxious and as someone very low on the spectrum, pisses me off and just shows how ignorant and uneducated people are about autism.
OP, stop being a victim, stop being nice – fight back against the sister bully, “you’re not qualified to make this statement, you’re just a jealous looser.”
> My sister does not have a degree in psychology/psychiatry or a related field.
If she’s being nicer to you…maybe let this one slide?
As most woefully misinformed people, she’s not going to change her mind or feel like what she said was hurtful. So you stand nothing to gain by bringing it up.
If she brings it up, you can look her dead in the eye and ask her something like, “Congratulations on becoming a clinician! Tell me, which characteristics did you see that literally all the other qualified therapists in my life missed? You should be careful, you might hurt someone’s feelings with that armchair diagnosing of yours!”
You say, “Rrrealy?” And change the subject. You shouldn’t cling to the mean and cry to mom, that’s not an adult plan. Just move on.
Why? Because it’s the equivalent of pointing at a bruise and saying ‘Hit me there, it’ll really hurt!’ Or bleeding in the shark pool.
“Mom, you know Sister doesn’t have any kind of a degree in this and is just saying it to be snarky. Could you please shut her down when she starts to get gossipy. I’m trying hard to remain friendly with her but this kind of comment makes it difficult. “
Frankly your mother should not have repeated it to you. She should have told your sister to shut up and mind her own business.
Ask your mother if she really believes what the sister said. If yes, ask why. If her answer is anything other than your sister has a degree or can give professional diagnoses, tell her to not spread gossip. You do not even have to address your sister in any way. Do not answer any probing questions or entertain her armchair pop-psychology. If she brings it up, start a completely different conversation with your mother. You may need to come prepared with somethings to talk about.
Best of luck and Happy Holidays!
**”Toxic people don’t get a pass on abusive behavior just because they are family.”**
Firstly, being autistic is not an insult; it’s quite ableist to think so and she’s clearly uninformed because autism doesn’t always mean you’re socially awkward or socially inept. She however seems to think that it *is* a flaw to have autism and that just speaks to her character. You can talk about this with her but honestly if she’s acting like this at her old age then there’s really no hope. You can try having an adult conversation with her but chances are she’s not worth it if she thinks diagnosing you with a disability will somehow demean you. Edit: I wanted to add that I don’t think she’s being nicer bc she thinks you have a disability, it’s probably condescending
It sounds like your sister doesn’t really know what autism is, and also that your mom crossed a boundary in telling you what your sister said in confidence. Do you have proof that your sister said this to other people or what the situation was that she told this to your mom?
Sounds like your sister is projecting. Golden child vs scapegoat vibes.
I’m guessing she’s single? Or can’t keep a long term relationship? Jealous of you and your fiancé being in a (hopefully) healthy one? She’s falling back on what she thinks gives her an edge over you. “If I say you are on the spectrum, that makes you lesser than me.”
She’s 33. You’re 31. It’s not going to change. I’d do two things.
One. Shut your mom down. Hard. “I am not autistic. You know this. I need you to either have my back and tell my sister to stop spreading lies or we’re done.” If mom doesn’t budge or downplays? LC at least, NC is probably more healthy for you longterm. If she doesn’t have your back, that means you can’t trust her.
Two. Let your sister know the same but just cut her off. NC. You don’t need her toxicity in your life.
I am genuinely sorry that you’re dealing with this, but, it’s also hilarious.
I’ve asking to see her degree in psychology.
Over here where I live you do 4 years just for the degree but you need to be asked to do the honours program of two years to be able to practice.
“Mom, I think sis has a cluster B personality disorder….”
Tell her “Mom told me you diagnosed fiance and me with autism…when did you get a psychiatry degree and become my therapist? God bless, sister, you’re such a weirdo but I love you anyway.”
Your sister “diagnosed” you and your Fiance without having a degree in a related field. Here’s the fun fact, you can also “diagnose” her without a degree in psychology / psychiatry, she’s Narcissist, Toxic and a person who belongs to your block list.
Maybe just shrug it off? Like “Yeah, Sister is weird like that. She seems to think anyone who isn’t exactly like her is autistic.”
I think accepting your sister is flawed and says stupid/hurtful things sometimes is probably the best approach.
If you want to communicate how it made you feel, you can say something like “Sister, when you told mom you think I’m autistic it really hurt me because it made me think of when we were in high school. I don’t want to hear whether you think I’m autistic or not and I would really like it if you don’t comment on my mental health or neurodiversity at all, even if I’m not present.”
Point it out and Laugh with your Mom about her psycho analysing you, thinking she knows everything lol .. I don’t recall her ever becoming a psychologist, isn’t that strange lol!
Do you think there is any validity to this? If not, laugh it off as your sister over reaching.
Point it out and Laugh with your Mom about her psycho analysing you, thinking she knows everything lol .. I don’t recall her ever becoming a psychologist, isn’t that strange lol!
Do you think there is any validity to this? If not, laugh it off as your sister over reaching.
This is wrong on so many levels. your sis apparently means the autism “diagnosis“ as an insult. She intends to spread this “diagnosis” through the family as a way of putting you down and belittling you.
nothing has changed with this sister and she will keep this up.
one of my sisters has always been a liar and frequently lied about me. I remember as a small child, standing on the stairs listening to this sister tell our mom that I had hit her. A complete lie. I remember standing on the stairs, crying and incredulous.
years later (preteens) she told our parents I had kicked her in the shin. She actually “painted” a bruise there, and screamed when I washed it off with a wet finger. When we were in college she told my mom I was on drugs.
as an adult she lied about everything and anything. We are all in our 60s now and she is making a huge effort to be part of her siblings lives. We are being cordial with her, but you still can;t believe anything she says. I am guessing this huge effort to reconcile is because she is destitute and has no retirement savings and hopes to move in with one of us.
the problem with this sister will never improve. Time will show the rest of your family that she lied out of jealousy.
It’s really weird that she’s armchair diagnosing you. If she really thought and cared she’d bring it up in a much nicer way and no doubt she probably even barely knows the symptoms.
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Don’t engage with her. Just say thanks for the diagnosis. If you ignore her she will lose her power.
God, I am so sick of these people who think anyone and everyone who is “shy or awkward” at times is autistic.
**Autism is a challenge, not an insult**