[38F] wife had wanted divorce from me [42M] for years
Wife has wanted a divorce for years intermittently. We have tried to work it out for ourselves and our children.
Wife 39F and me 42M have been together for 15 years, married for 12 with 2 kids. She has said she didn’t feel close. That she never loved me. That she never loved anyone. She has been an amazing mother and wife. She’s usually driven, organized and the glue that holds the family together. We have never communicated as well as we should. I probably share too much. And she has trouble letting anyone in. She first asked for a divorce about 8 years ago. She said she had no cause, but just didn’t want to be married to me. Didn’t miss me at all when I left for 7 weeks for work. I thought that was just one of the worse in, “for better or worse”.
We had a fight over Thanksgiving and it wasn’t any yelling or anything. Just lots of really hurt feelings and poor communication.
She started talking to her high school sweetheart at that time. It started platonic. Then quickly progressed into what do you look for in a partner. Then sexual questions. Then video chats, and selfies. She says that they were not cyber, but had lied to me before to protect my feelings. She’s very concerned about her reputation. At one point, she asked him to wait a long as it takes so she can end things cleanly with me and preserve that reputation. She was lying about texting and calling him. I caught her and read everything. I could see that my attempts to “pour into her” by fixing her a bath, doing the dishes and other domestic tasks were actually being received really well. Her love language was finally being receptive! She was happy, singing, energetic. Not not because of me. She told him that he’s the only one she’s ever truly loved. So she broke off all communication with him when I caught her. Admitted that it was an emotional affair, and we visited our counselor.
Since her family visits are so uncomfortable for both of us when we are together, I agreed to a separate holiday. I really love her and want her to be happy and loved. I want her to be that happy person that she was when she was sending him selfies and telling him things that she had never told me.
So as she is there visiting with her family, I see the texts and calls skyrocketing again. I told her she could talk, or even meet him, just please keep it platonic.
She has a child with her and I have one with me. We have still keep minimal communication mostly about the kids. I have sent her pics of the holidays here with the child that’s with me. My heart aches as she hasn’t sent any of her or the child with her on their holiday. I feel like she’s taking them and sending them to the high school sweetheart.
I have started Zoloft since she left a week ago. I think it’s making me emotionally blunted as they call it. I think that was a problem that we both have now due to trauma. I started taking it for PE, but thought it would help with anxiety and depression too.
I know that’s a lot to unpack. And obvoiusly a brief snapshot of 15 year relationship. Not asking for any specific advice, or what I should have done 8 years ago. Just general what would you do or share your perspective please.
How do I not think negative thoughts and have a nervous breakdown?
Should I let her go? I’ve been fighting for the relationship for so long, and while she said she has too, she can’t let her walls down and let me in like she can this old flame.
Conflicted,
9 comments
Let it go. You’re clearly not a priority. Stop fighting for the relationship and and focus on you. Preserve your dignity and get out.
It’s not about letting her go, she’s already gone. It’s about kicking her out.
You’ve done all you can. No where in what you wrote did you say what you needed in this relationship. It was all her feelings and wants. Not yours. You need to pack it in before you waste more time in this one-sided loveless relationship. You deserve to be happy and to have someone that loves you and wants to be with you. To hell with her reputation. She’s made it one of a cheating spouse and that’s on her, not you. If you think staying together for the kids is a good idea, don’t. Kids here and see things and you really don’t want them seeing your very dysfunctional relationship as normal. It’s going to be painful for all involved, but I honestly think you know what you have to do to save yourself.
We’ve been taking it one day at a time working on it for so long. I’ve always felt like a deadline was cruel, but she has no desire for long term plans with me. I’m torturing myself staying. I don’t know how to keep adding the next one day. I have nothing left.
Dude, you were the idiot that got married in the first place. Half of your stuff now and alimony for the rest of your life is the price you get to pay for being stupid. Hope you will learn from this mistake and never get married again.
>Should I let her go?
I think she already left a long time ago. You are just realizing it now.
There’s a saying I read here somewhere: **Don’t put in extra efforts into a relationship to make up for the lack of efforts from the other person.**
Good grief man. Have some self respect. Have some self care. Reading this was like reading “I have my feet in Chinese feet bindings and it hurts like fuck and it’s screwing with the happiness of everyone I love, but I won’t take them off, what would you all do?”. The answer is take off the bindings, learn what life is like when you’re not subjecting yourself to pointless torture. Find happiness. Go, now, go on, show your children how to pursue happiness before it’s too late.
There is nothing you can do and you are actually fighting for something that doesn’t exist. When you commence divorce proceedings the chances are that she will realise that maybe she is making a mistake and ask for another chance and before you know it another 5 years will have gone by and you will be hear again asking the same question. Its time to put your foot down and put yourself first. She has had enough opportunity to make an effort for you.
This is really hard, but listen to the fact she said she never loved you. People marry for all kinds of reasons, but it sounds like you need a loving partner, not one who’s looking somewhere else for love and intimacy.
At the moment she’s playing with the idea of this other guy and you’re standing by hoping it’ll all be OK. I know you don’t want to, but if she won’t make the decision, you really must. It will also call her bluff, which might make her stop and think, but she’s probably just avoiding the responsibility of being the one who ends it.
Be brave. 15 years is a long time, but at 42 you still have a lot of living to do and there’s someone loving out there for you.