Myself \[M22\] is very inexperienced when it comes to sex, mainly because of this issue. The few times I have hooked up with women I seem to have this problem where I get and maintain an erection whenever we kiss, touch and she grinds on top (with clothes on). But when it escalates and our clothes come off, my erection completely dies. It’s extremely weird, often embarrassing and completely ruins the mood.
For context my penis is painfully average and I can admit I have struggled with some self confidence issues.
Has someone else experienced this? Is there something wrong with me? And how do I overcome it? Please help a desperate man…
5 comments
Sounds like anxiety, it’s pretty common. I don’t have any actual advice for it though
Performance anxiety. Nervous about performing well, so you worry it won’t work, which throws you off, so now you focus on it not working, which makes it really not work, which makes you more anxious and focusing more on it… it’s a vicious circle.
You need to get out of that mindset and get the confidence that your body can do this.
You can explain to your partner, take things slow. If you lose erection, carry on with other things, touching, kissing, licking etc. Sex doesn’t have to be all about the erection. In time, you’ll find things work out if you let it.
You might want to consider sildenafil (viagra) as a temporary solution. If you get erect in the earlier stages, this can help maintain it through the tricky bits that usually throw you off. Once you’re more comfortable and relaxed with it, you can drop the assist as you should be past that mental hurdle.
Don’t wear pants. I’m going on break 🙂
But also, maybe get some Viagra as a brief aid to help through this anxiety. If you manage a few times you likely won’t need it.
You used the term “painfully average” which implies some kind of above-average expectation of yourself you’re clearly not meeting.
Here’s the thing though, while you’re overly focused on you not meeting said expectations – I would suspect your partner may be experiencing the same about themselves.
I’m assuming this is a mtf relationship here, and women on average struggle greatly with body dysmorphia.
Therapy would be the suggestion here, as it could help you reframe your focus during sex.
Many men struggle with less than average packaging and would kill to be in your shoes – it’s not so much what you’re packing and more with how you make your partner feel in the moment that matters the most.
While you may feel otherwise, if you’re in good physical health – your perfectly okay as you are. I wish you the best in helping to come to these terms, as it sounds like the real problem right now has more to do with your internal perception of yourself rather than any physical issues.
Go down on her, and as she’s moaning and enjoying it, work your own pants off. The anxiety will clear up as you realize you’re already doing things she enjoys.
Otherwise, just extend foreplay a bit until you’re feeling it more. They like that anyway