I (30F) feel like I’ve done something cruel to someone very kind hearted tonight. It’s nothing men haven’t done to me before but I feel like an asshole.
I met this guy on an app, we went out for dinner. I explained to him i wasn’t looking for anything serious, just wanted to have fun and wanted something physical. He told me he felt the same but he also wanted a friend from it, he said he wasn’t jnto casual sex. I said it sounded like we were wanting different things and he reassured me we didn’t. He insisted on paying for the meal. I made a bigger fuss than usual about paying for my half and he still insisted. The meal was over £100 and he is only a student. I have a full higher tax bracket corporate job.
Then we went back to his, where things lead to fooling around. We were going to have sex but I wasn’t massively enjoying the fooling around and once I came, I got bored. Anyway, I made sure that he got off and then I left. I didn’t have sex with him because he said again that he wanted more than just casual sex and in my horn state, I ignored it and went ahead anyway.
With some post nut clarity, I don’t really care to see him again and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make him feel used, even though he clearly was a willing participant. I feel guilty about him paying for the meal and I feel guilty as if I rushed him into being sexual with me when I could tell he is hopeful for something deeper. Anyone have any advice? Am I being harsh on myself…
9 comments
You are being too harsh on yourself, but kudos for even asking that question in the first place.
All things aside, as rough as it may be on him to break it off, stringing him along and making it difficult for both of you is much, much worse.
As Rodney Dangerfield said “You don’t wanna get hurt. You don’t want me to get hurt. All I know is, if one of us doesn’t get hurt soon, someone’s gonna get hurt.”
I think he’ll be fine ☺️😏
He’ll be fine.
But if it’s really bothering you reach out to him again for another hook up.
I’m a fan of treating grownups like grownups. Here’s what I see:
> I said it sounded like we were wanting different things and he reassured me we didn’t.
You were honest with him. You warned him that you thought he might be on a different page. He assured you that you both wanted the same thing. And then you went home with him and did that thing. Great!
If you don’t want more, tell him once was enough. Or if you want another hookup, let him know that. Maybe this time offer him dinner at your place so he can’t pick up the tab.
yeah being upfront about what you want and him doing exactly the opposite of what a normal person would is definitely your problem. it’s called emotional blackmail honey look it up
You’re perfectly fine to not see him again. If he hits you up you can either be honest and say sorry I don’t feel like hanging out with you again or just blow him off and he’ll get the hint. I’m a bigger fan of the first scenario btw.
If you really really want to release any feelings of regret, Venmo him your half of the meal and block him after. That way even in your conscious you don’t owe him anything
this is wild because I’ve seen posts where the genders are reversed and Reddit is never this kind to men that use women that “agreed” to participate. When men do it they are manipulative and mean, they shouldn’t have taken advantage of the other party. When men do what you just described it’s called a Pump n Dump But when women do it “oh they know what they were getting into.” and the man is always thrown under the bus.
As we arent animals in the traditional sense “I was so horny I ignored the red flags and my own personal morals so I could treat him like a boring vibrator” is not an excuse, to me that makes it worse but again, that’s me.
To tell you the truth you never should have gone back to his and it sounds like you realized early on that you want different things. I was gonna say “you’re both adults” but I notice that you didn’t put his age, just mentioned that he’s a student which to me feels like he may be quite a bit younger than you, no judgement but you absolutely should have stood your ground and made it clear that you were not interested. You should have paid for the date and told him to have a lovely evening as you both want different things and you clearly saw that was the case, instead you went “well he said he wanted it!” and rolled right over and now you feel bad and instead of dealing with it you asked a bunch of strangers on Reddit but this isn’t about what we think this is about how you personally feel about being sexual with someone even if you know you don’t like them. If you feel crule you feel like you did something wrong and the opinion of strangers won’t change that.
also this is just a personal thing but how is saying “I want to be friends with the person I’m trusting with my naked body” the same as a commitment? The term is friend with benefits last I recalled but idk. it sounds like you’re looking for a string of one night stands so maybe that’s what you should look for rather than going on dates when that’s not even something that you seem to want.
He’ll be fine. He reassured you that he was looking for the same, so at that point it’s on him.