First time poster, so let me know if I mess this up.
So as the title says, my family doesn’t really like my husband. We’ve been married for 6 years, together for 10 and have 3 kids (1 ours and 2 his). He doesn’t have much extended family and is desperate to be accepted by them. Due to that he’s extra sensitive to any form of rejection from them. And let me tell you this last year or so, several of them have stopped even trying to be accepting. He’s at his breaking point and I feel stuck.
So 5 years ago we moved back to our home town. We’ve had a baby in the time. Initially I was a stay at home mom, but we traded roles. And that’s about when my family started being pretty open that they don’t like him. It’s super frustrating for me. Because he doesn’t want me to cut ties with them but also doesn’t want to he around them. They insist they don’t have any real issues with him (he just “annoys them” or “rubs them wrong” or they think he’s lazy for staying home with our kids) but they’re definitely not welcoming at all.
Today it came to a head. We went to my mom’s for Easter. Her dog kept trying to take our daughter lunch. My sisters and I got onto the dog. It kept happening. He loudly told the dog no and to go. My step-dad got upset and told him he wasn’t going to yell at his dog. My husband wound up leaving and refusing to participate at all after that because he said if was clear he wasn’t welcome. Now my step-dad has been super short since he had a stroke a decade ago. He’s also potentially dealing with some dementia issues. We don’t spend much time over there because it stresses me out too much to have half lost my father figure. But today was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband and hes now saying he wants to avoid any get together my step-dad could be at. But he also doesn’t want me (or the kids. Tho he worries about our boys since they’re my stepkids) to skip those events. I feel stuck in the middle and have no clue what to do.
7 comments
You fight for your family, your mom and sister and the rest of them are toxic and the issue and your husband is right the kids shouldn’t be around people like that. They will learn from them and the kids will pick up on how they treat your husband and those poor kids will be emotionally fucked because they hate part of the person who made them.
You have to tell your family the toxic behavior has to end and you and your family will not communicate to be around them till they get counseling for it.
Counseling is a must for people who are toxic because they won’t change but just hide it or be sneaky shits and use the kids to do shit.
Honestly your husband is an emotionally intelligent father and if they can’t see that then they don’t have to and block them all on your social media accounts.
By your family not accepting your husband, they are actively not accepting your choices and who you chose to spend the rest of your life with. What happens when your child grows up and they also do no accept him because they would half your husband.
They are not making an effort to like him or accept him and unless they have a valid reason, this is something that you need to deal with.
You shouldn’t feel stuck in the middle. Technically, you’re stuck with your husband. So stick by him and support him like a wife should. Technically, your husband outranks your family when it comes to your marriage. You’re going to have to take a stand and stand up for your husband. This means that you’re going to have to draw a line in the sand. There are boundaries that need to be respected. I realize that you love your family, however, your husband, kids and marriage comes first. I’ll grant you, that your position is difficult. But you and your husband are a union of one. If they treat him badly, this will reflect on you down the road and his resentment will grow until it is too late. You’re going to have to suck it up and face your family and sit down some ground rules and boundaries. Do not tolerate their disrespect to your husband.
They are not only not accepting your husband, but your family. You need to discuss with your parents how that makes you feel. It’s been 10 years, it’s time for them to get over whatever misgivings they had and accept your husband into their family. He’s part of your family, therefore he’s part of their family.
Just the fact that in all that time your husband didn’t want you to lose contsct eith your family even knowing he wasn’t welcomed should tell you all you need to know. Parents and siblings are great when they support you, but are the worst people in the world when they don’t. You have to make a choice at some point. Choose them or your husband. They won’t let you have both it seems. So decide on your future and stick with it. I love my mom and my siblings, but I chose my wife. She is my future. I am growing old with her. I am her keeper and she is mine. If my family could not understand that, then its their loss, not mine.
You guys are going to have to talk about it and come up with a plan that best works for your family.
Your family not approving of him being a stay at home dad is out of line. I personally would address those issues with my family. Any comments like that I would be upset about.
Also I would calmly but clearly talk to my family members about their behavior. I would say that it’s become clear in how they deal with my husband that they don’t care for him or accept him and if that doesn’t change, the time they spend with me is going to be limited. Because he doesn’t want to be around, and I’m not going to come to family events without him. I also don’t appreciate my husband being treated that way, so it makes me not want to spend time around them.
If there is a serious issue that needs to be addressed or worked on, please let me know and we can work through it. But if it’s just them being disrespectful because they don’t like him that needs to change or the relationship is going to change.
I have a toxic parent my spouse hates to be around and always did. I felt horrible having my husband around my dad because I knew it caused him stress. I just recently cut off my relationship with him and I honestly wish I did it a lot sooner. I wish I stuck up more for my husband and told people to F off. My husband is my #1. I love my family but he’s my #1. Our marriage comes first and no one should treat my spouse that way.
So I do believe in sticking up for your spouse. But I also believe in effective communication. Don’t be mean but tell your family boundaries are changing. If you care about us behavior needs to be adjusted.
The hard part about doing this, especially because you know your family, is sometimes we know laying down boundaries doesn’t work, and your parents may show their true feelings for not just your husband but for you, and won’t change knowing it’s going to result in a reduced relationship with you, and they are OK with that. That’s the painful part. But some endings are necessary.
Why didn’t you leave with your husband because you doing nothing just reinforces to them they are right and your husband must be worthless because you don’t stand up for him.