Background: we’ve been seeing each other since mid October & it’s been pretty consistent. We chat daily – every 1 to 2 days (he was out the country for a few weeks and he reached out every 2-3 days). And we’ve been seeing each other weekly. We just spent Christmas Eve and Christmas together where we cooked dinner together and breakfast. We played cards. We watched movies and had an exceptional time. The thing is- we haven’t defined the relationship. We haven’t had the “exclusive” talk or asked what each other has wanted but we did talk about traveling together and we booked a trip to Mexico for my birthday in March.
I go back and forth. I want to be in the moment and not let my “anxious attachment” style rush things- as he appears secure. His actions speak VOLUMES. He’s planning trips. He’s making dates. He’s following through. But now I find myself after this weekend wanting to see where his head and heart is – which makes me scared it’ll be something like “we’re just having fun” and now we’ve booked this amazing vacation together and feel like it would ruin things. On the other hand, I can’t really imagine him telling him he’s not on the same page as me.
Anyway, I just wanted to vent as I am worried I got caught up in the moment.
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I have a fearful avoidant attachment style but have been working on this in therapy. For me, if I was in this situation, I’d be anxious if his words weren’t matching his actions. It seems like they are so far. However, I’d also be anxious about planning a trip this far in advance for a fairly new relationship. It’s ok to need to talk to him about this. I’d also be getting travel insurance though, that allows me to cancel for any reason.
Really depends on what part of Mexico? Cabo? Mexico City? Tulum? An exploratory tour of Tequila country?
> I want to be in the moment and not let my “anxious attachment” style rush things- as he appears secure.
IMO you should stop ignoring your own needs because you don’t want to be seen as rushing the question. What you want is to know where your relationship stands. That is perfectly valid and an empathetic partner will be willing to understand that.
The way to find out is to ask. If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you then you’ll know right away where you stand or where he sees your relationship going. Also, if he’s secure then he’s going to listen and not be afraid to commit if he is ready for that commitment. At the very least, he won’t beat around the bush the way someone with say an avoidant style might.
If worst comes to worst, then you know and you can begin moving forward and finding someone who can give you the kind of relationship you want. You can take charge of your Mexico trip by still going at some point, but inviting some close friends so you can enjoy yourself. On the other hand, if you stay in this relationship and he isn’t looking for something then you’re just wasting time when you could dating someone who can give you the relationship that you’re looking for.
I was dating a guy from April this year and he took me to Greece in October and at that point we still weren’t official. I was very anxious, and he was struggling with avoidance. Shortly after we came back, he made it official. Traveling with someone and seeing how they handle little annoyances or disturbances is a great test of long term compatibility. It worked for us.
This sounds promising for you 😊
What do you want the relationship to be? There’s nothing wrong with saying something like “Hey, it was so amazing to spend Christmas with you and I’m so looking forward to our first trip together. I’m not interested in seeing anyone else – how do you feel about that?” His response to something like this will tell you everything you need to know.
Definitely talk to him. Do you want to be wondering what’s going on indefinitely? You’re adults who have been seeing each other for two and a half months. See where his head is at. His actions seem clear, but imo, it’s important to verbally clarify.
I don’t think it has anything to do with being “anxious attached”, you want assurances and you are afraid of being rejected. It’s just being human.
One thing i would suggest is prepare for every possible answer he could give you. If he’s ready to move forward, bf/gf, exclusive – great! Problem solved. If he wants more time to be sure about it – are you ok with that? How long are you willing to wait? There could be other possibilities, just be prepared.
Honestly if you’re planning a vacation, it seems like he might think you’re already exclusive, in a relationship. That seems pretty intense for just meeting in mid October.
He wouldn’t be spending all this time with you and especially the holidays if he wasn’t looking for a relationship. It sounds like you’re looking to put a label on it, maybe just say that you’re not speaking to anyone else and see what his response is?
You don’t need the whole exclusive conversation if his actions are already showing this. Sounds like a lovely start to your relationship 💕
in situations like this, something I’ve found helpful is naming what I want – it makes me feel less “needy”/more in control of my emotions.
I started dating a guy around Labour Day last year. We were exclusive early on but never put a label on it other than that. Saw each other a couple times a week, were generally a great match. Went to Hawaii together for a week in March — we booked the trip on Christmas Day. Broke up Easter weekend when I told him I was in love with him and he didn’t want to commit.
Like your dude, he made lots of dates, seemed enthusiastic about us even if it was casual. And still ended it because commitment. This doesn’t sound like your guy but honestly: I hope you have the talk between now and then.
Its best to talk about it sooner rather than later, its best to know if you have the same intention or not and that way you can decide if you want to continue or not with this relationship.
Whether its too soon or not, if it’s making you anxious and causing you stress them its time to bring it up. Hopefully he wants the same thing you do and yall can continue as you are.
Good luck and Happy New Year.
or it could be the most amazing vacation of your life after he affirms his feelings for you and helps work with you on easing any anxiety so you can feel as relaxed as you deserve to feel
>not let my “anxious attachment” style rush things
3 months is not rushing things. Even people without anxious attschment would want to lock someone down.
For me personally, exclusivity is generally within 5-6 dates. And by the 3 month mark, we might be having the DTR talk already.
Just get it over with, chances are he’s on the same page. Are your tickets refundable btw?
Did this and got ghosted about 2 months after.
If this is a guy you want to be with, he’ll understand your need to define the relationship.
So you asking isn’t going to change anything. All that will happen is you get information.
So would you prefer to have information or not have information? That’s the choice here.
If he says “we’re just having fun” will you call it off? If so, you should probably know that right?
I think it’s a good idea to check in. I just had someone who I was fairly certain about their feelings towards me/our feelings towards each other do a complete 180 on me that I’ll forever be confused by and probably should seek therapy for. I feel I’m good at reading people too.
IMO, there’s nothing rushed about wanting to know what your relationship is or where he sees it going if you’re spending holidays together, booking trips, and have been dating for a few months in your 30s. Your needs are valid and if that scares him off then wouldn’t you rather know now?
Honestly, it sounds like you guys are both really into each other. I can’t say for sure(obviously), but I would guess he’s not seeing other people if you’re spending holidays together and planning trips months in advance. Is it possible that he thinks you guys are exclusive already? Some people don’t have a “talk” and just assume.
Are you guys sleeping together? I typically have this talk after I sleep with someone(but I wait a while to have sex, so my situation is usually a bit different than most), bc I am kind of neurotic about my sexual health and it grosses me out thinking of having sex with someone who is having a lot of other sexual partners around the same time.
Honestly though, it sounds like things are going great and given what you’ve said…I’m sure he would be receptive to you asking him how he feels about exclusivity. You can just say “I really like you, I don’t want to date other people and I wonder how you feel about that?”
If his name is Chris … RUN
It’s very “normal” to want to define a relationship. Tell him how you are feeling “hey, I’ve been kind of anxious about planning a trip with you without having defined our relationship…” never hurts to be honest about how you are feeling.
He will have no idea what’s going on inside your head unless you tell him. I was also super anxious to have this conversation with the guy I was dating three years ago. It went well. We are now married and baby is due in the spring. Take the leap.
I understand you, you don’t want to ruin what you guys have by asking what is between you two. But if it really bothers you, then you need to brace yourself and ask him. Yes, you might hear not what you would ideally would like to hear, but at least you will know where he is at.