I have a few close friends, but only hang out with 1 of them once every month or three, and it’s usually them that invites me to hang out for dinner or gym. The other close friends I see much less, usually just at parties involving other friends. I know that you gotta hang out with friends at least once in a while in order to maintain that close bond, but sometimes I just feel like they’d say no, or that we’re not *that* close to warrant a 1 on 1 hangout? Like they’d hang out with me if it’s among a few other friends too, but they wouldn’t wanna get dinner or just chill 1 on 1.
Even for acquaintances, asking to hang out is the good step to becoming friends, but I can’t bring myself to do it, because I don’t know if me and the acquaintance have even reached that point where they would want to hang out. Same reasoning where I feel like we aren’t close enough, or that they’d say no.
I know some of it is probably all in my head, but I also truly think that some of the friends *wouldn’t* wanna hang out 1 on 1. Like I’m not “cool” enough or something idk. You guys might suggest “make some new friends” but then once again it goes to paragraph 2 with acquaintances, so it feels like a never ending circle. Any thoughts? I feel like I might have social anxiety.
3 comments
I’m sure they like hanging out with you – they wouldn’t invite you at all otherwise!
What I’ve found is good is to think of something I want to do regardless, and then invite people to do it with me. So then even if the person’s busy or doesn’t want to or whatever, you’ve still got a nice activity planned that works equally well without company.
It doesn’t need to be scary, just something along the lines of “I’m thinking of watching a film later, you want to join?”
For me, I don’t like to hang out with one person only, cause I feel it’s awkward and I’m boring and there’s nothing to talk about -even though we’re friends and we talk online-
I also prefer acquaintances so I’ll hang out with them all at once so I don’t have to go out frequently.
My comment may not help you, but just to know what other people maybe thinking, so it’s not your problem and nothing is wrong with you.
I don’t think this is an uncommon thought as it’s directly related to confidence.
A lot of people have this issue and there’s plenty of resources on the internet to help. A very quick google found: https://www.rejectiontherapy.com/blog/2014/10/10/how-to-get-over-the-fear-of-asking-someone-out and https://www.elitedaily.com/p/why-asking-someone-out-can-be-so-scary-according-to-a-psychologist-17994719 or https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/b579kz/how_do_you_get_over_the_fear_of_asking_someone_out/ or https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-ask-someone-out/
And before you say, “I’m not trying to ask them on a date”, while you’re not looking for a romatic hookup, you’re looking for a plutonic one. It is the act of asking a person out that is creating a fear of rejection and disappointment and that is what you need to overcome.
If you think you have social anxiety, seek professional help. You need to feel comfortable with your decisions in this and in life. Also, trust your instincts. You’re right, most 1o1 dinner situations is either between close friends, family or it’s a date. Only do group social setting until you’re comfortable and it feels right. If the other party is not OK with that, they will say no and then you will know.
Until you actually ask the person/s to hang out, you’re projecting your insecurities onto them. Give poeple the courtesy of making up their own mind as to whether they want to hang out with you or not. Also, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take (Wayne Gretzky) and you’ve got to be in it to win it (David Fuentes).
P.S. Don’t worry about not being ‘cool enough’. If someone thinks you’re not cool, then drop them quickly. Life’s too short to waste your time with any nasty shallow people. Surround yourself with people who like you for you. Don’t ever change yourself for anyone. Period.