Hi Reddit, I am married and have one part of my sex life that I am continually caught up about. Sorry about this being long >_<
Please bear with me and give insight if you have any. Honest insight helps!!
My husband (30M) and I are happily married for about a year now. We waited til marriage to have sex and it was his first time, he was my third partner. Before marriage, we’d discussed kinks and things we liked and matched up like 90%.
I am really struggling with something and I don’t know if it’s silly or not. We’ve had our share of things we’ve worked through sexually, like his death grip and my insecurities, etc, we have sex pretty regularly, 1-2x a week on average.
We’ve used toys, roleplay, dress-up, etc.
my husband is the first person to have ever made me cum, usually by fingering me/playing with my clit, etc.
I still feel as though he doesn’t really desire me— or no that’s not right. I feel like he doesn’t really find me attractive sexually? That’s closer.
Outside of sex he is VERY affectionate and lots of cuddling and kisses and every day he’ll tell me I’m beautiful and if I dress up he’ll take the time to really look at me and it overwhelms me still sometimes because he’s so genuine about it.
During sex he likes to look at me and gropes me occasionally. PIV is our favourite. But he likes handjobs/blowjobs too and likes to touch me too.
I guess I feel unattractive because I feel like there’s this expectation that occasionally I’d like him to look at me and want to pleasure me. Not because he knows I’m aroused and feels like he should to be a good husband, but to just see me and feel the desire to…idk. Pin me down, finger me, get me into the mess he could have me in in like two minutes.
But I feel like the only times he really does that is when I’ve done something sexual for him first or he’ll sometimes say like “oh you didn’t ask for it though, I’m happy to handle you and I enjoy doing it” (and then he’ll use a toy on me or finger me or finish me with his fingers.)
I don’t always want to ask I guess. I don’t want him to just enjoy it because I’ve asked for it. He has told me he just doesn’t enjoy giving oral (which is fine, I don’t know how much I like it, it’s felt good the few times people have tried but maybe I’m not cut out for it either) but I still feel like…a bit unattractive sexually. Like if I was hot enough he’d want to naturally ravish me and use me or whatever.
Is that unrealistic? I don’t think he’s selfish. He could be ignorant. Or I could be ignorant. I can’t stop feeling like my pussy is kind of a turn off for him. (It’s pretty average looking from what I can tell.) He likes my tits and ass okay I’m pretty sure, but no other part of my body do I feel him really enjoying, I think. He has said he doesn’t think my private parts are ugly, and he loves them because they’re mine.
Is it just an idea in like lame romance novels for older ladies, or in fan fiction, that I’m looking to feel like he sees me and wants to make me feel things? Purely for the sake of wanting me to feel good and deriving pleasure from that itself? Is that a selfish thing for me to want? How can I describe that to him?
He’s asking me why I can possibly feel unattractive when he’s always looking at me undressed and can cum when looking at me but I don’t know how to describe this feeling. Like I was hot enough to get him off but not hot enough for him to want to feel me, or see me react.
I’ve had flirty partners before marriage telling me they’d love to see me cum, they’d love to give me oral for hours, they’d love to kiss every inch of my skin or tease me and get me so wet, etc, and I know it’s easier to flirt online and those people offered nothing close to what my husband offers in a relationship. But I did feel raw desire from them in a way I don’t feel from my husband sometimes. To be fair I never got this from any of my sex partners. Though I know it’s at least possible because sometimes just seeing him undress or just getting my hands on his body or sucking him off feels better than getting off myself. I just feel weak with that level of desire for him.
It’s not that I don’t want him to cum. It’s almost that from certain others it felt like just as gratifying to be able to handle me as it did for them to have an orgasm or physical gratification. Made me feel wanted, I guess.
More experienced people, please let me know if you think I’m crazy or how I can better explain myself to the man I love.
TL;DR: my husband doesn’t understand why I still don’t feel like he desires me. I feel like I’m hot enough for him to get off to me but not hot enough that he’ll see me dressed up/dolled up and be like fuck it I’m going to do stuff to that. This might be unrealistic because he’s not a selfish person.
4 comments
Ummm. Guys are simple. Tell us what you want.
The other way goes very badly for most guys. We want you. You look delicious. We make a move and quickly realize you are sexy but your mind is not on sex. You are repulsed. How could we be thinking such a thing?!!! We are rejected. Every woman has stories of feel objectified and sexualized by creeps. So a decent man learns not to be creepy.
Guys have been conditioned to not make moves unless the lady is smiling, receptive, flirty. No misunderstandings. This continues in marriage.
That probably doesn’t fulfill your desires for spontaneous intimacy and appreciation, but it should help explain how he can honestly find you attractive and sexy with you still wanting something more. If you are not giving signals we are not making advances.
Rest assured, he really does desire you. You have it.
You need to communicate exactly this to him while not horny. Basically, that you’d like him to initiate.
I don’t think it’s because you’re unattractive, you describe so many things that he does that indicates otherwise. I think it’s more perhaps he is shy. Remember you’ve only been married a year. It can take a long time to be completely and absolutely in sync with another person. He might not have the confidence just yet but reassurance and encouragement from you will help.
Oh boy, hey there friend. I’ve been where you are. You’re not being selfish or crazy for wanting these things, I promise.
If you’re looking for the kind of desire you see immortalized in romantic fiction, you might be interested in the word “primal”. I agree with the previous suggestions that you tell your husband you’d like him to initiate more, but the primal side of things is harder to describe. If I’m understanding correctly, you want someone to crave you, want to take your clothes off and make you moan ungodly amounts of noise just for the pleasure of it. I don’t think that’s an unrealistic desire to have. It just depends on the willingness to learn from the people involved.
I’ve also had a difficult time with feeling unwanted in my past relationships. It felt like I was constantly begging for sexual attention. Not even sexual gratification or orgasm, necessarily, just that attention. It’s an addicting feeling to walk into a room with your partner and see them struggle to control their arousal just from being around you. Some of my partners were able to learn to verbalize and show me this desire, and I’m so grateful for those relationship experiences. Sometimes it takes a lot of energy and time to unpack the “social etiquette” we were all taught about sex, it’s considered impolite in a lot of circles to openly express desire like this.
I hope you’re able to have a frank conversation with your partner. Just give him some time to process your wants and needs, and best of luck to you 💜
Long, long time ago I was arguing with my young wife. Decided to “take” her-like in the movies. Had a girlfriend prior who went from angry words to hot sex in seconds…wife didn’t respond that way. Instead of melting, she froze: borderline sexual assault response. Decent guys get conditioned to hold back because it’s easy to misread situations.