As a typical south asian, my parents started talking to me for marriage few years ago & even though we had so many arguments about this, I eventually gave in & went with their decision. One of their reasons for marriage was that I never had a girlfriend.
May be I should have put my foot down harder? Anyways, hindsight is 20-20.
Cut to present, I am divorced now & they sometimes tell me how they have to face the society back home. I keep telling them to ignore it but they always come back to me saying if you had controlled your wife this all wouldn’t have happened. They conveniently seem to forget the arguments we had & instead tell me that if you had said no clearly we wouldn’t have gone through with this. Yes I wasn’t clear but I think my pushbacks could have been clear.
I agree with them, I was never ready for marriage & my heart was never in the right place but they are ones to be blamed too. Sometimes I think I could have ended up this sooner when my wife blurted out how I was not sexually satisfying her in front of both of our parents. I kept quiet for some reason at that time & tried to put band aid on it. Hell, I went through the stress of going to a Urologist with my father.
Personally, I feel I always had the right intentions in my mind but was never able to act on those. I thought I could have been a good husband but apparently I wasn’t.
Another thing I have been suspecting from a long time is that I may have ADHD. I don’t think I can juggle multiple things in my life. I am good what I do for work but probably not so good at interpersonal relationships.
TL;DR: Parents blame me for my failed marriage, I blame them. How to fix this?
25 comments
There’s no magic wand you can wave to make yourself feel better. All you can do is accept what happened. You don’t have to be okay with it. You don’t have to agree with what happened or forgive anyone but yourself.
Consider therapy.
Stop talking to your parents about your marriage. If they are being shamed at home, then that’s their issue to deal with.
Learn some boundaries with your parents. So that means saying “I don’t want to talk about my marriage with you anymore. I think you’re responsible and you think I”m responsible. Nothing is being gained by discussing it.” But then when they bring it up you have to set a boundary and enforce it.
You need to figure out what you want, not just what will please people around you. Working on interpersonal relationships doesn’t mean saving a failed marriage, it can be making friends, learning how to handle conflict, setting boundaries, and figuring out how to stand up for yourself.
Hello – I’m a south Asian too. I’m 1 of 6 children and let me tell you something – I was the only one who never listened to my parents. It took guts, shutting them out, ignoring their negative commentary about my life, never letting them make any life decisions about me, every time they dictated me before, it really messed up everything and prevented me from making progress. You don’t stop blaming them because it’s their fault. Now make peace with it, accept the break up of your marriage, that’s okay, no worries, not the end of the world, heal and go therapy, and start to learn to take control back of your life. No decision can ever be made, if you make your own money then You don’t need to listen to them again. Stop listening to them because every time you do, you’re taking away important life lessons and abilities for decision making which is vital, your parents will not be around forever.
Stop blaming them as there is nothing good going to come from it. It is what it is and it’s in the past. It goes both ways. Learn from it and move on using a good therapist.
You cannot change the past nor should you keep on blaming your parents. All parties are at fault, your parents for pushing you and you not stopping them. You need to move on and so do they. Ppl back home( I’m indian too) will talk about you for a week or 2 and then they will love onto the next gossip they heard. They will eventually learn to fade out those comments. You should focus on yourself and make yourself happy and fulfilled.
They are a product of their conditioning and so were you. At some point you can only own up to your own decisions which you are. You cannot change your family. But you can’t set boundaries and create as much independence for yourself as possible. As someone who also struggled with people pleasing, the best thing I ever did was move further away from my family. If that’s an option for you, I highly recommend you either moving further away, or finding a community that is very separate from your usual family circle. It will help you develop your own unique identity and increase your confidence overtime.
As a South Asian myself I’d say just go through with it. Sometimes shit things happen. You tried to warn them but it didn’t work so not much you can do. Right now just focus on yourself, be the best version of you and try to do them proud (you obviously care about them and what they say). Just keep pushing and move forward. Things will get better. Take this as a lesson. Next time just do it your way.
Thier feelings about you is temporary. The extend family and what society says realistically will only last about the next few months but after that they will move on. Just try to push yourself to be better and do better. I am sure it will work out all fine.
In my opinion the first thing is to quit thinking that this is some horrible thing that has ruined you and your family.
Divorces happen even in Southeast Asian culture.
And even In some cultures it’s better to have married and divorced than to have not married at all because now people in those cultures are going to be wondering what’s wrong with you, that you’re not married yet?
So both of you quit blaming each other because honestly you never ever know what’s going to happen in a marriage.
If it had worked out then your parents will be saying see we told you so you should listen to your parents..
So take some time to grieve and deal with this and then find somebody else to date and eventually hopefully marry
And if it’s getting too hard to do that then just kind of disappear from the community for a while. Go live somewhere where people don’t know you or they don’t know where you live and just be a generic Southeastern Asian guy working and living until some time has passed
You don’t. You go to therapy and start building boundaries.
Don’t blame yourself.
Get therapy.
Decide on your boundaries and consequences for people breaking your boundaries.
Make sure when your boundaries are crossed…you stick to your consequences and do it. Whether that means just immediately leaving the room/conversation when a forbidden topic is broached or whatever. You have to stick to your guns.
Stick to therapy.
And learn to think without the influence of other people in the back of your head. It’ll take time but it’ll be worth it.
Here’s the non-south Asian take on it. That shit is 100% on you. You’re a grown ass man, never allow your parents to dictate your life or personal relationships. I’m aware of the culture so I understand why you made the choices you did, I’m just saying in terms of where to point the finger, go stand in a mirror.
They were raised in a different time and with their age, they only see it from the standpoint of traditional values from yalls culture. You on the other hand, unless you planned on staying local, it should’ve been from a western perspective, but like you said, 20-20.
You sound like a GREAT Person. No. I mean that. Everyone of us is dealt our own crappy situation in Life. Me included. You did the best you could. Your Parents are from a different time. A different culture. You can’t change them. You can just do what is right for you. Sometimes staying quiet shows wisdom rather than letting all of your anger out which accomplishes nothing. Making other people happy is impossible. Happiness comes from living the life you want to live. Your wife should have been more open with you regarding her needs. Don’t let the past into your present. Every sunrise is a new day. I’m telling you this so I can remind myself too, that life is still worth living.
OP I would also recommend that if possible find a therapist that has experience or is familiar with your specific culture….i too went through this(south Asia)and ultimately OP you need to accept that some of your parents behavior is rooted in their complete lack of empathy…it’s not you, it’s them that is not acceptable…they pushed —you to marriage not for your happiness but their legacy because that is the whole point of arranged marriages….nothing they have done is really for you but to promote their own agenda and their response to your suffering and lack of empathy in your grief is reflective of that…don’t let anybody tell you that this is normal or acceptable or it’s just you because fundamentally your parents failed you completely as parents by not being well a parent….you have a long road ahead of you but you will no doubt make it…believe in yourself and good luck
By showing you and your parents grace .
From what my behavioral psychology podcasts tell me, what I understand of them, blame and shame are useless feelings (valid, but can’tbe used), whereas guilt can be used to understand what we would want to do differently next time, for the wellbeing of ourselves and others.
Not that this is any sort of solution, but I thought it might be interesting to consider when working through your feelings.
I’m south asian and I’ve never been in a relationship. My parents / relatives are starting to nag about girlfriends and marriage and kids.
Most of the time I just laugh it off. But it’s annoying, they talk under the guise of caring about your well-being and future but it feels like a selfish thing.
If I do get married one day, it will be to the right person for the right reasons. It will NOT be for my parents.
U didn’t have a girlfriend before your wife you just weren’t expierenced enough with relationships. Get back out there and start dating and find somebody you work with not who your parents want you to be with. U will find ur person eventually
Don’t marry someone you don’t love
Sorry you have such overbearing parents. Get weekly therapy and go NC with your parents. Block them on your phone & social media. Family members will try to get you to “forgive” them. Block all those people too.
Culture specific thoughts. You imply they are in SAsia and you elsewhere. Many marriages are arranged there, and they’re arranged to the benefit of the parents/family rather than husband/wife. Business partners or peers in the community are often the norm, as you know. As an American, sometimes my dad would try to “fix me up” with wildly inappropriate or uninteresting people. Their choices reflect their own wishes, not mine.
I think you will just have to deal. SAsian parents can be very pushy: they want grandkids and turn up the pressure to get that.
If you are based elsewhere, date around and see what you like. My US based Gujarati friend found a nice Chinese woman. They are happy with kids now and the pressure is gone.
i have adhd and what youre describing does not sound at all relevant or related to adhd ?
Go to regular therapy, take some distance from your parents and set boundaries (how they feel about how society allegedly perceives them is *their problem* not yours). Continue working on yourself and on redefining your relationship with them. One day you may want to have a frank discussion with your ex wife, in case it brings you closure. I hope you find peace.
Be kind to yourself, please. I think if you can be kind enough to forgive yourself and process the trauma of your failed marriage as a learning experience and as something you are glad to leave in your past, then you can move on to forgiving you parents and putting into practice what this hard experience has taught you about boundaries and self-respect.
But it is a process which will take time and require you be gentle and loving with yourself, so you can deprogramme yourself from the messages your parents may still be pushing on to you of shame and obligation to fix their feelings or toxic dynamics in your extended family. Things they themselves cannot handle and appear to be unfairly putting the onus to solve on to you.
It isn’t fair. It is okay to be angry and sad. To grieve all you feel you have lost, including your innocence in trusting your parents would also care about your perspective in this mess.
Give yourself time, space, love and kindness. It is a positive and healthy move for you to make in posting this here. Getting external support from people not enmeshed in your family dynamics. Acknowledging your need to work on yourself to avoid the situation recurring.
It may not be possible to resolve the underlying issues of communication and respect with your parents. You can try to do so. But please do so from a position of uncompromising self care. If your parents could be trusted to empathise and be sympathetic to your perspective, this situation would not be as it is. So you have to be your own support or get it from outside the family. Otherwise you will likely be left feeling hurt, confused and bamboozled if you try to continue to live up to their ideas of how you should be at the same time as being true to yourself.
Get your ADHD under control it’ll help your life so much I’m 33 just figured out this year I have ADHD what an eye opener!
They are to blame nobody should be forced especially your own kids!
I’d of probably blown up by now. You’re divorced now you just realised you coukd have ADHD this means next year is big for you! You finally can put YOU first so enjoy it! Go get therapy and work on yourself ❤️
I am not a professional, but from what I’ve read, ADHD does affect relationships. Though I could be wrong.