UPDATE: Wow I had no idea I would get so many responses! It has been really comforting to me to get a dialogue going on this, so thank you to everyone who has commented. At some of your suggestions, I had a carefully worded talk with my partner over text and she feels really bad and apologized for disconnecting and leaving me alone. This morning she came to my door and said good morning, brought me coffee, and chatted a little bit through the door. That’s all I really wanted. Her family put me on their group chat and has been including me in communication all morning. I’m not forgetting about the whole thing per se, but it’s definitely enough for me to move on for the time being and try to be happy while I wait it out. Thank you again everyone for the kind words, it really lifted me up.
Hey everyone! My (30F) partner’s (33F we’re both women) family lives on a beautiful (expensive) island. She really wanted to be here for Christmas this year, so I saved all of my vacation time and saved up money all year to come.
When we got here, after 20 hours of being awake for travel, all I wanted to do was shower and go to sleep. But she did a few (I thought inconsiderate) things that kept us up for another few hours. I kept thinking if I don’t go to sleep I’m going to get sick, and so finally I voiced my concern to her and she was immediately defensive, we got in a huge whisper-screaming fight, and I started to cry. I didn’t sleep that night and my sinuses never went back to normal after crying, I just kept feeling worse and worse, and 3 days into our trip I tested positive for COVID.
Part of the reason I didn’t sleep was because her parents were wake until 2:30am making noise in the house (which is about the time my internal clock wakes up for work due to time change) and are up again at 7am every day.
I immediately went into quarantine, I’ve been isolated in this room- barely anyone texts me or checks on me, and I’ve been relying on them to bring me food and water. I know they’re busy having their Christmas together so I’ve been trying not to bother them as much as possible but there’s also been very little communication so I never know when meals are coming or if I should order food etc. I spent my Christmas completely alone and no one barely tried to talk to me until dinner time. I did have a nice dinner outside with just my fiancé, distanced, and her mom got me gifts and I watched some of them open gifts through the window. They have been very graciously feeding me delicious food, and going out of their way to get me medicine but it has really highlighted an issue with my relationship which is that I am often asking for what I need and then am given something totally different and it’s implied that I’m ungrateful when I reiterate. For instance, I’ll ask for water (I’m not able to go into the house) and my partner will take my water bottle for an hour while I’m having coughing fits, etc. Or at 9am I’ll ask for coffee and by 11 I still don’t have coffee and now have a splitting headache. The only other thing I’ve asked for was if my partner could throw in my laundry which she never did (no biggy I’ve been wearing dirty clothes but it’s not like I’m going anywhere so I haven’t asked again.) I feel bad they’re doing so much work so I’ve been really careful not to ask for much. I also feel very bad I’ve exposed them to COVID and am worried they might get sick. I’ve been extremely careful since finding out.
On the third night of not being able to sleep due to noise in the house, I texted my partner a “your parents don’t seem to ever sleep” text. I admit I shouldn’t have said anything but I was severely sleep deprived, in pain, sick, and really just worried I was going to keep getting sicker.
My partner told her mother I said that.
Then, her parents finally leave the house and I think now maybe she’ll want to talk to me from a distance since I have barely spoken to anyone in days but she didn’t. So I texted her to ask and she just said she was eating and went off about how rude I’ve been and said the words “you’ve been demanding we be quiet in our own house”.
I never did that. And I just wanted one night of quiet so I could survive.
I’m feeling so hurt and angry. I know it’s just very bad circumstances but it would be so much better if my partner was kinder. I even looked for a hotel room but the cheapest would be about $2k for the rest of the nights.
Any advice/words of inspiration to get me through this?
Tl/dr: got COVID, isolating at partner’s family’s house and it’s been hard. Partner thinks I’m demanding but I’ve been so careful not to ask for much.
25 comments
Wow stranger, that all sounds awful. How about you don’t forgive your partner? I know that doesn’t sound helpful but what I mean is I don’t think you can forgive her without talking to her about it first. It seems like you want to internally forgive her and move past it on your own. You weren’t even asking for much given the terrible circumstances you’ve been through and the way your partner has reacted to your simple requests makes me question your entire relationship. Obviously one post doesn’t give much info but the reactions you’ve described highlights some bad personality traits in your partner. If I were you I’d put my foot down. Tell them what you’re going thru and if they can’t sympathize then fuck them (not sexually). With those hotel prices I’d stay but voice my very obvious disdain.
I can totally understand why you’re upset. If I saved up vacation time and money all year to go on a vacation, mostly for the sake of my partner and their family, I would feel heavily invested in that vacation. To have it spoiled by lack of sleep and an illness that requires you to isolate would suck after feeling so invested. So, whatever happens, don’t downplay the impact of the pure frustration you feel. That’s totally valid in this situation.
Since you’re still there, try to make the most of the situation, and just do things that you would normally do to enjoy your own company. Read a book, spend some time outside (if it’s a tropical island), or maybe listen to some music you’ve been meaning to listen to. You’re on vacation, after all!
When things cool off, invite your partner to have a conversation. Express how you’re feeling. You can bring up particular grievances with your partner, stuff like this:
* Picking a fight with you the night you landed when you were sleep deprived
* Forgetting to bring you coffee
* Telling her parents about something private you said to her
When you do so, try to use assertive “I statements.” Like this:
“I felt really hurt when you told your parents about my text message to you.”
From there, you can gauge your partner’s response. Ideally, she’ll own up to the way her actions impacted you and y’all will have a productive conversation over this.
For better or worse, travel and holidays are things that can highlight aspects of your relationship. If you work well as a team, traveling or experiencing a holiday gathering together can give you opportunities to look out for one another and uplift each other. If you don’t, those same opportunities will result in fighting, hurt feelings, and sometimes resentment. I hope you’re able to talk through it together, but sometimes when these sorts o things happen, it’s important to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
She didn’t bring you water or coffee for hours…. I can’t even imagine what would cause another person to do that. You are sick and isolated. I would move on from this relationship when you are able, this lack of empathy usually doesn’t change for the better in people and will continue. I am sorry you are going through this now, I hope you recover quickly and get to heallthier environment.
She showed her true colors, she doesn’t care about you. I think you should start 2023 as a single. Being single in your 30s isn’t bad, just left my 30s.
It seems that your partner and family just disengaged from you to have good holidays.
Your partner seems uncaring and you also state that you do most of the work of the relationship usually. Now, not getting you water on time while going through covid is another level of not wanting to do anything.
She’s the same person. Usually you do everything and now apparently she’s bothered to have to do anything.
Just try to heal. Coviv clouds judgement.Take naps during the day, maybe that’s how that family doesn’t sleep. Ask to have 2 bottles of water and ask for more water in advance. Same for the coffee. Ask for things with time.
I’m a BSN nurse. I’m giving you the basic advice for any cold/virus. Lots of water, rest, light meals, paracetamol or any anti-cold mix so you can breath (they usually include paracetamol in the mix). Breathing is easier when you are not completely horizontal. I hope you can get another pillow.
I went through covid and it was hell.
Think about the holidays after you have healed. It won’t help now. You have a lot to think but right now your judgement is not clear.
Best wishes.
Wow, your partner just treated you like an inconvenient guest didn’t she?
I’d say talk to her about this first. If she’s this selfish when you’re in a vulnerable and weak state, you want to know more about that before you commit.
Okay I know this isnt the advice you’re asking for, but I felt compelled to post this. Can your partner get you a big pack of water bottles to leave in your room? What about snacks? Can she not afford to go out and get a big bag of snacks to have in your room?
Also, as a side note, I suggest distracting yourself with as much entertainment as you can if you aren’t already. Do you have a laptop or tv or something in your room you can play movies or whatever on?
By the way, this is what I’d do for my boyfriend if this happened to him, because I care about him enough to make sure he’d be as comfortable as possible. I’d sit down and think about it, plan trips, ask what he wanted, etc.
Feels a bit weird to me that your partner isn’t doing much. Is this a one sided relationship or is she normally unconcerned when it comes to your health?
>an issue with my relationship which is that I am often asking for what I need and then am given something totally different and it’s implied that I’m ungrateful when I reiterate.
It doesn’t sound like your relationship is very good, even before the covid. Your partner sounds combatitive and unkind.
Be honest – were you feeling happy, secure and fulfilled in the relationship even before this trip?
Traveling is a great relationship litmus test.
She failed.
My ex behaved like this when we went away with his parents. That’s a key reason why he’s an ex. I don’t understand making people feel like a burden or making sick people wait for vital requirements like food and drink! I actually WANT to take care of my partner if he’s sick… it’s mad to me.
Still only you I mow your wider relationship so hopefully it’s just a miscommunication. I know some people just want to be left alone when they are sick so maybe she is like that and incorrectly applied that to you?
Hope you’re better now and it all works out!
Your partner doesn’t treat you very well and you spend a lot of time in your post apologising for needing her attention because you’re isolated.
I have a little cold and can’t rest for “do you need a new blanket, lemon tea? Let me go get you the special cold salve that your mums grandmas first cousin swears by”. This is just for a cold.
You have covid and she’s treating you like a nuisance.
If I had had a casual guest over that ended up getting sick I would have been more thorough in checking on them every hour or two than your significant other did for you…
Rich people living on expensive islands can sometimes be very inconsiderate towards sick and weak people especially when it’s so close to home
Find someone who cares about you, this is sad
I don’t think you should try to get past this with the end goal of forgiving your partner unless this is COMPLETELY out of character for her. She isn’t being a partner to you, she’s being selfish, neglectful to the point of cruelty and is otherwise behaving like a petulant child when you ask to be treated better. No excuse for that at 33. A conversation is definitely in order, although it may need to wait until the end of the trip so she can’t hide from addressing things behind the family celebration curtain.
I’m guessing she’s resentful that you “ruined” her trip by getting sick and is taking it out on you. That’s what it sounds like to me, anyway. You deserve better than this, OP.
I think that how your partner takes care of you when you’re sick is a huge sign about how good of a partner they are. You’re sick, and she’s not taking good care of you AT ALL. Life’s too short to waste with someone who doesn’t care about you imo.
It was ridiculous of her to tell her parents what you said. What’s wrong with her???
It’s a little odd, if your girlfriend’s family is loaded, that she didn’t pick up the tab for your travel instead of making you save all year.
You did all that for her and she can’t bring you a bottle of water.
OP, I don’t think she cares about you the way you care about her. I’m sorry you’re in such a vulnerable position right now and don’t have any other support.
I think, maybe, they should at minimum bring you more than one bottle of water at a time, so it’s there when you need it, and leave you a supply of snacks so you have something whenever you get hungry.
I would seriously reevaluate your relationship with your partner..you’re sick and you ask for small things which she won’t even provide!?
Yeah, I’d end it the moment that plane lands
I’m in the roughly same situation, except I’m vacationing with my parents. My dad also got covid, but my mom didn’t. Instead, she is an ANGEL – she’s gotten us everything that we wanted (like you, we didn’t ask for much), and she has tried her hardest to keep up safe, fed, on the road to recovery, and entertained. To me, that’s what love is. I know it’s a different kind of love, but nonetheless, them’s my expectations. And I’d do the exact same thing for anyone I love, which is to make sure that they want for nothing while they’re going through this shitty experience.
All of that to say: I’m sorry, I hope you start feeling better if you haven’t already, and I hope that you work this out with either a solid conversation regarding what happened, or through someone else who would care for you as much as you care for them.
“…but it has really highlighted an issue with my relationship which is that I am often asking for what I need and then am given something totally different and it’s implied that I’m ungrateful when I reiterate. ”
Wow! Just wow!
You came to an island, got sick, and when asking for food and care, they come and bring you a plate of shit. You tell them “hey sorry, but I don’t eat that”.
They nod and go back to the kitchen, hours later bringing you another plate of shit. You look and think maybe I am asking for too much and need to explain better, maybe they did not understand “I am allergic to this, I cannot eat it, cannot smell it, cannot seat next to it. Please do not bring me this again as it hurts my feelings”.
They nod, agree with you and promise to be better. They come back and bring you a plate, and there is shit there again.
At this point the fact is that you stay where they serve shit for you. They see that you allow it, there are no consequences, and they can continue doing it. Your partner and her parents give only shits to how you feel. It is your decision to make.
Listen.
I don’t know you at all. And yet, if you were visiting my house and got sick? I would make sure you had a cooler with water (just so you didn’t run out for a bit, and could SLEEP), Tylenol (if you needed it), bring you food on a regular basis, and for God’s sake, *check on you to make sure you’re okay*.
And we would be QUIET. I would make sure you had a fan for white noise, if nothing else.
Has your partner always been an inconsiderate asshole, or is this new around her parents, because she’s reverting to being Mommy and Daddy’s little princess who can do no wrong?
I just want to bring you 50 containers of water and throat soothing teas, and coffee, and ALL the coziest blankets, and stupid movies for when your brain feels fuzzy + little logic puzzles for when it doesn’t, and some special flowers in your face color, and draw crappy pictures with hilarious notes to tape to your window while you’re snoozing so you can wake up and know we all checked on you even then.
I’m so sorry, OP. It’s really disappointing when people we care about don’t show up in the ways we hope they will/need them to… I hope you won’t take your gf’s poor treatment of you as proof that you don’t deserve better, bc you do.
Can you get a hotel? I don’t know you but would call the hotel and help pay. Maybe some other folks can help. You need to get out of there.
I hear you downplaying your partners actions. Love, she’s treating you like shit, full stop.
I’m so sorry. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. It’s time to love yourself more.
When my husband had COVID and isolated, I was his waitress, nurse, runner, anything. When he nicely said please jump, I did ballet and ran to get him what he needed. I asked him if he needed water. I got his meals before mine. Because he deserved all that, and so do you.
Girl, please reconsider this lady. She ain’t it.