Myself (M34) and my wife (F29) got married 8 months ago. We’ve been together about three years and have had some issues, but have been fairly successful in working through them.
While we were engaged, about 14 months ago, we hit a rough patch. Essentially, we had a fight and she left me. The reason that she gave was that I was selfish (in the argument we were having) and that I didn’t prioritize her. It had been a tough time for us as she had been overseas for an extended work assignment for the past 4 months.
We spent two months broken up, during which time I tried to figure out what I had done wrong in the relationship. Following some introspection, I concluded that maybe I had been selfish and didn’t give her what she needed, and so I asked for her back so that we could try again. She initially declined, but then contacted me a few weeks later wanting to talk. We ended up getting back together.
Long story short, we patched things up and at her suggestion decided to go ahead and complete getting married. In the process of getting back together she mentioned that she had slept with someone while we were broken up. I had as well (one night stand deal) and didn’t care, but I asked her if she had cheated during the relationship. She said no. I said that I hadn’t either. We get married. A few months ago, it ends up accidentally coming out that she had started an emotional affair with a coworker the month prior to leaving me, and that she had left me for him….the reason for our breakup.
After a few months she decided she wanted to be with me still, and came back. However this didn’t get mentioned AT ALL. In recent conversation about this situation, I asked why she lied when I asked if she had cheated in the relationship. She said that she thought I just meant “physically” so didn’t mention it. She has apologized profusely for it (now) and said it would never happen again.
Now, I believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage, and for fighting for the marriage relationship. But I’m struggling here, because I feel lied to. Though as far as I know she has been faithful since our wedding day, it feels like the entire marriage is a sham because I never got the whole story. Does anyone have any experience in this situation? I feel like her infidelity prior to our marriage sort of stains the whole process. Any advice on how you all would handle this?
TLDR: My (M34) wife (F29) cheated on me (emotionally) while we were engaged and left me for another man. She then returned a few months later without mentioning the affair. We repaired the relationship and recently married. After the wedding, I learned about the affair. Help.
39 comments
She made you out to be the bad guy and cited that as the reason you guys broke up, and then she continued to lie by saying she was willing to work things out. When in reality, she was just having feelings for someone else and then decided to give that a shot. It blew up on her for one reason or another, so she came crawling back.
You’re both not ready to get married imo. If y’all can’t stay together when you’re not married, why would y’all decide the legally tie yourselves together? Plus kinda crappy that you both quickly rebounded with someone else and then decided to go back to old bad habits.
The gall to call you selfish while doing all of this.
Personally, I would consider an annulment or dissolution of marriage.
She selfishly cheated on you during the relationship, selfishly blamed you and made you think you had somehow wronged her while she was actively cheating on you, and lied about her position in an effort to trap you in your marriage on top of choosing you second over her coworker.
Not only all of this but she also showed you what she considers to be okay- she thinks she didn’t cheat because they never got physical meanwhile they were having an emotional affair. This is not a woman you can trust as your wife to believe in the sanctity of marriage because she already shat all over it.
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Yeah man, you know what to do.
I think a couple’s counselor can help you maybe with just a session or two in working out the different feelings involved in emotional affairs. There’s a lot of stuff to unpack in these paragraphs I don’t think redditors will be able to help with. Good Luck OP. I think you two can work it out for sure.
Your wife is an expert at manipulation. I would be very wary going forward with someone like this.
I dont agree with counseling. To much hidden mess is not fixable. And you have to have trust thats not there. Break up and chalk it to bad selection of partner
How do you ever trust someone who allowed the marriage itself to be built upon a lie?
The person you made those vows to apparently does not exist.
This is not what you signed up for. She let you make an ostensibly lifelong commitment without giving you all the information. No. Nuh-uh. I don’t think there’s any saving this.
This is why my fiance and I sat down one day and gave each other answers for every question we had. Anything that we’ve always questioned, things about the very beginning of our relationship, etc. Neither of us cheated, but we got everything out so that we can start the rest of our lives with all the information we need to make an informed decision. She withheld information from you because she knew you may not marry her. An emotional affair, especially one that leads to a breakup, is still an affair. She knew what you meant by “cheating”. I’m sure she feels bad about it now, but it’ll take a lot of time and counseling to make it work.
She gaslit you HARD while already enacting a plan to fuck someone else. You spent time in introspection to earn her back while she was fucking another guy.
Annul the marriage if you can and send her back to that dude for mentally abusing you and lying by omission.
She has been manipulative in her dishonesty and she’s still lying to you today.
Look at both her actions and the circumstances.
•She ended the relationship specifically to get with this other person.
•It defies logic that a 28 year old engaged person would make that drastic decision without getting physical with the new partner first.
•Given the additional facts that she was working out of the country for the preceding four months and that her new person was a coworker it is almost impossible to conclude that they weren’t sleeping together during your engagement.
•You readily acknowledge that your relationship was rocky specifically when she was out of the country. You have to reflect on how she was acting back then. Was she aloof? Was she unavailable? Was she uncommunicative? Was she combative? Was she angry? Did she seem to start fights for no reason? In retrospect, does the way that she behaved make you think that she was having an affair at that time? Was she making you into the bad guy for not liking how you were being treated during four months?
•She came home after four months away and broke up with you. She blamed the breakup on your selfishness when she was leaving you for her affair partner. This lie was obviously self serving but it was also cruel. She made you into the bad guy and sent you away thinking that you were at fault.
•Her new relationship ended and she came crawling back.
•When she didn’t fess up, she was doubling down on the lie that your selfishness was the main cause of your relationship problems.
•She again hid the fact that she had left you for another man. This time, it was for the purpose of reconciliation.
•She then pushed for marriage while continuing to hide the reason that your engagement had previously ended. In effect, she was lying when she said her vows.
•She waited until you’d been married for 8 months to admit that she really left you for another man. She didn’t apologize for hypocritically blaming her selfish decision on your supposed selfish actions.
•She claims that she didn’t sleep with her affair partner until after you broke up but she’s a proven liar and it is far more likely that they were effing each other before the break-up.
Where has the _sanctity of marriage_ nonsense come from? Is this a religious thin
You’re absoultey right that your entire marriage is a sham. Not only did she cheat on you, she lied to you, maniupulated you into thinking you were the bad guy and then came back to you under false pretenses. You know you would not have taken her back or at the very least not have married her when you did if she came clean that she actually left you for another guy. That’s huge. That’s not just cheating that’s fall on throwing you away like trash when something better comes along. She’ll 100% do it again and try and blame you, be cruel to you, accuse you of heinous things. This is not a person you should trust or stay married to.
Also … please do not believe her for one minute that the relationship prior to leaving you wasn’t sexual. It always is. Even if he didn’t stick it in, they were sexting, complicating each other, sharing dirty pics, touching etc. People don’t leave their partners for someone they’re not sure doesn’t physically want them.
Be prepared for her doing this again
I like the comment about marriage counseling. You both have issues that are not going to be resolved by the internet crowd. After several sessions, you will get a feeling whether the marriage can be saved or not. It should help you get clarity on the situation, your thoughts and feelings, and in the event you choose to end it, you know you have the marriage effort.
On a side note, your feelings are valid. Most of us would feel the same way. Get counseling to help you work through it. If she refuses to go, then go for your sake as you will need help to get through the divorce/annulment process in a good mindset.
(She belongs to the streets) if someone has one foot out the door and blames it on you whilst fucki g another guy and then lying about it, it’s done dude. There’s no coming back from that, hope you can get an annulment
I mean I wouldn’t have taken her back in the first place, but that’s just me.
it wasn’t an emotional affair.. seriously, she was cheating on you full stop. just because she hadnt fucked the dude yet doesn’t mean it wasnt cheating.
So her continued argument of you being selfish was in fact, her way of covering up her affair, breaking up the relationship for her to then date other guy. Realizing other guy was in fact, not greener grass, she dumped him and re-entered back into a relationship with you. And never considered that cheating.
Or more likely, lied through her teeth in hopes her fucking another guy and leaving you for him would never be discovered. Cause, I call bullshit it was just emotional. 28 year old in a committed relationship leaving their partner for a one month emotional affair? Again bullshit. I highly doubt she broke things off before screwing other dude.
It’s worth spending the time in counseling to determine if there is enough goodwill for your marriage to thrive. Withholding factual information is a sign of disrespect at a minimum.
I think it’s also important to make sure your wife’s story is accurate. I’m skeptical that she only had an emotional affair with the other guy. It feels like she has told you just enough to prevent you from having painful mental imagery of her having sex with someone else. After all, she has been highly manipulative of your emotions and knows your blind spots intimately.
If you are still doubtful of her veracity, then consider calling the guy and asking directly.
Would you have married her if you knew she was unfaithful? If not, have tge marriage annulled.
Her pathetic excuses for cheating are what they always say. The “unmet needs” excuse had been discredited by therapists because it’s basically a free pass to cheat again and again.
You are “Plan B”, because the new, shiny Plan A guy bailed.
Divorce her or be back here someday when she sees another shiny thing and cheats on you.
You don’t need MC. You can’t fix marriage issues until she fixes herself. She is not a safe life partner. And yes you need IC top.
So let me get this straight. She emotionally cheated, most likely caused an argument with you, used said argument to justify leaving and make you the bad guy; She then came back months later when the new relationship didn’t work out and hid the real reason she left? The level of manipulation here is disgusting and frankly you are her second choice. Why would you want to be with someone that has shown that you’re not their first choice?
She never told you why she left and threw it all back on you. slept with someone and found out the grass isn’t greener . I would have a hard time moving forward from this because she never really came clean and wasn’t honest.
I might try counseling but she needs to fall on the sword and she doesn’t appear to want to do that. Like emotional cheating isn’t cheating. And, you never had all the information to move forward .
Insert friends quote “WE WERE ON A BREAK!”
Real advise though, don’t be a fence sitter. Either decide that this is a deal breaker and break it off or decide you can get over this and start up relationship therapy. Once a week sessions for the next 6 months at the minimum.
My personal opinion, once someone finds justification to cheat once, they are capable of doing it again, and I would see a single act of cheating/affair (emotional or otherwise) is a deal breaker for me.
Honestly, how can you trust she’s not gonna gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault then leave again? She’s a liar, cheater, and manipulator. If I was you I’d be filing for divorce.
Don’t listen to the weirdos talking about therapy in this thread man. Therapy is fine but it’s not the end all be all that many people in this sub think it is. You’re not her priority. What do you think is going to happen when the next coworker comes along?
She went physical too, yes
Damn man she played you lol and the sad part is instead of getting a divorce you will stay in the marriage till she decides to leave you.
So she had an emotional affair or a physical affair? You are married now, can’t you forgive and move on, all of this is prior to marriage. It’s that or divorce and it seems pretty extreme in the circumstances.
She’s wrong for cheating but did you guys seriously break up, get back together, then get married 6 months later?
You have to realize how monumentally stupid that is right?
Like come on, there’s mistakes and then there’s just a complete absence of common sense.
Why would you marry someone after you had litteraly just been broken up with them in the same year?
How is any of this drama a surprise? Your marriage and probably your relationship is built on a foundation made of saltine crackers.
Ya. That “initially declined” getting back together is her getting 🍆🍆🍆 and you being Plan B. Then when that fell through, u were there so she took her best option.
And that “non physical” is BS. Sorry bro.
None of these comments are going to help you. Get off of Reddit. You believe in the sanctity of marriage, Reddit doesn’t. All they will tell you here is “advice” that will lead you down the road to divorce.
Charity never faileth. Charity is your love in action. Just love her through your actions continually, even when she’s not lovable and doesn’t deserve it at all. Not even for her, for your vows.
” I asked her if she had cheated during the relationship. She said no. I said that I hadn’t either. We get married. A few months ago, it ends up accidentally coming out that she had started an emotional affair with a coworker the month prior to leaving me, and that she had left me for him….the reason for our breakup.After a few months she decided she wanted to be with me still, and came back.”
So…she lied to you about why she left you, put all the blame on you when in reality she had been cheating on you behind your back. She left you for new boy toy, then decided he wasn’t what she wanted and came back to you as her backup plan because she knew you’d take her back. Then she lies when confronted again, but like all lies the truth eventually came out. Since she avoided telling you the truth and only apologized after you found out, this clearly shows she wasn’t sorry about what she did but rather sorry that she got caught. If she was sorry about what she did and it really bothered her, she would have sat you down and let you know rather than you accidentally finding out.
I would never have married a woman like that. She is a pathological liar that sees nothing wrong in deceiving people to get what she wants and to avoid responsibility. She *will* cheat again when she finds her next interest as she’s already proven that she can leave you, lie to you, and come back like nothing happened and you proved that will always be there to be her second choice…
You’re the one who got betrayed. You do not need to fight for this marriage. That burden falls on your wife, who is the one who cheated, gaslit, and lied to you, and that’s if you truly want to continue with this relationship. Your feelings are completely valid. However, regardless of what happens next, just remember to know your worth, and you’re not a cheater’s backup plan.
She had the opportunity to tell you the truth, and when given that opportunity she decided to keep it from you thus keeping you from being able to make an informed decision with all of the facts. She decided for you.
And if not for the mistaken reveal, you likely **still** wouldn’t know.
The sanctity of marriage is only real if built upon a platform of trust, and at this point can you rebuild your trust with her where healthy marriage would be possible?
Don’t be hung up on things like societal expectations, and do what feels right and that puts you in a place where you will be able to sleep peacefully at night. Maybe not soon, but at the end of the day you’ll be able to have peace in your decision. That’s the choice and path follow. I’m so sorry.
You know this will happen again
I remain a bit confused by the whole concept of “emotional cheating”. It seems to me that there isn’t a hard line here, and she did it while the relationship was already in trouble.
I can understand counting it as infidelity, but I can also understand why in her mind she wasn’t “lying”. So I think it’s quite a stretch to say that your marriage is based on a lie.