I’m in college full time and work full time so im pretty much broke on time and money. This was fine for these two years we’ve dated as I’ve done a good job being up front about the fact I don’t have much until i finish college (2 more years).
However, I think social media and things are playing into her ear, or perhaps family. As of very recently she wants me to buy more and more and even a vacation during the school year. I’ve never been on vacation cause I don’t have money (a little over 800 checking, 3,000 in savings, and a little over 4,000 in an index fund is all the liquid money i have rn).
It’s also becoming clear that I now have to one up whatever I did for the past holiday. What’s a good way to meet some of her expectations but also make them realistic? She wasn’t materialistic or needy until very recently. Im growing to resent holidays and her outright asking for things. I feel happy when I bring her flowers or buy her dinner out of the blue but setting money aside for hallmark dates where I’m expected to buy her things is starting to make me sick.
TLDR: my gf has suddenly started expecting a lavish lifestyle and asking for things I can’t afford. How do I reel in her expectations while still showing her she means the world to me.
32 comments
Sounds like your girl is getting a little entitled. You’ve been upfront about your financial situation from the start, and now she’s suddenly expecting a lavish lifestyle and asking for things you can’t afford? That’s not cool. You need to have a serious talk with her about what’s realistic and what’s not. It’s one thing to want to do nice things for each other, but it’s another thing entirely to expect lavish gifts and vacations on a tight budget.
If she’s not willing to be understanding and considerate of your financial situation, then she’s not really showing you that she cares about you. You deserve to be with someone who values and respects you, not someone who just wants you to spend money on them.
It’s okay to want to do nice things for each other, but it’s important to be honest about what you can afford and to set realistic expectations. If she’s not willing to compromise, then you might have to consider whether this relationship is really right for you.
She didn’t suddenly change, she’s always been like this. She just hid it better while she was getting you more invested in the relationship. You should get out now. Just so you know, it’s not enough. It’s NEVER going to be enough. She will try to make you feel like you’re not good enough even while you go deeper and deeper into debt to try to please her, which you’ll never do for very long. The only question is, how much will you damage your own future to try to make her happy, knowing that when the money runs out, she will too. Sure everyone likes nice stuff, but the people who don’t care what you have to do to get it are the ones to avoid like the plague.
You don’t *have* to do anything. You guys will fall out of love trying to keep up with the Joneses. She’s older than you and as such, old enough to understand social media is a facade and people go into debt trying to impress others through a screen. Encourage her to take a trip with other like-minded girlies if it’s that important to her.
Embrace the power of “No”.
“No I can’t afford that kind of vacation. “
She didn’t become materialistic; she’s showing you who she is.
you don’t want to date a person like this. run.
Talk to her. You are doing X and your budget for entertainment is Y, so what she wants just isn’t possible (and your savings and investments don’t enter into the conversation). It could just be that she doesn’t understand the value of money or that you and her are incompatible.
Can’t do that. Now what
Your both in school so where are you meant to pull this money out of the air from. Why can’t she pay for it. No. Just say no.
It sounds like you want us to tell you to go into debt so that she can live her insta life. Did you know that there are plenty of women out there who will live you for just who you are and not for who she wants you to be?
Talk to her. Either she was always materialistic and hiding it, or she really got swept up in things this year that she hasn’t in the past. Talk to her about what you’re feeling. What you value spending your money on (and save for your security). Ways you like to use money to show her love (impromptu flowers and dinner). And concerns that her values might not be lining up well enough with yours around spending and social media presentation.
She’s got no money, no job…do you two live together?
Listen to an old guy, pard: Put your foot down now.
Tell her that maybe it’s time that she finds someone who can afford her lifestyle, buy you’re going to concentrate on college.
Stop trying to impress her. Worry about your own future, because even though break-ups hurt; dragging out the inevitable is only going to cost you more monetarily as well as emotionally.
This very likely isn’t the woman you’ll grow old with. Don’t waste money on a temporary relationship.
I believe she is pushing to see how far she can go, also I agree with many ppl who had already said she was probably always like this, although external influence may also be the cause, sadly this wouldn’t make a difference as I don’t think she is going to change back.
You need to be firm about what is ok and what is not, an excuse of not being able NOW will lead to her asking again for more and more LATER when you finish college.
If things genuinely suddenly changed, outright ask her what changed. You need to communicate with her.
Either she has been materialistic the whole time and is showing it more, or something has recently led to this change and she’s not communicating about it. If you don’t want to buy into this new thing, you need to a) ask what is going on, and b) tell her flat out you can’t afford XYZ. There are plenty of alternative ways to do things, like planning future vacations and saving together for them, but if you’re feeling resentful you need to *tell* her.
Jsyk you have more money in savings than most Americans do overall…. if you don’t wanna go, just say no.
I know how you feel buddy. Women are expensive.
Make a budget. Show it to her
Yeah that’s ridiculous. My partner and I have been together for 9 years. Both of us have been in school for most of that time and working.
We’ve never been on a big vacation, only short trips like driving somewhere for a concert and staying in a hotel for a night. We always split the cost of gas, etc.
We never expect big gifts or anything from each other. We remind each other not to spend too much for holidays/birthdays
> I think social media and things are playing into her ear, or perhaps family.
That’s a good thing to keep in mind. Comparisons can definitely skew people’s expectations. I don’t have social media and that’s a big reason why. The popular “influencers” are rich, not just average people working and trying to make ends meet.
You’re doing a great job saving what you can and putting yourself through college while working. It’s not easy!!
Also – is *she* working and willing to pay for vacations, etc or is she putting all the expectation on you?
There is a two letter word that you should learn.
NO
Followed by, I’m a broke college student. My life isn’t a god damn influencer page or a freaking Disney movie. Its real life.
Get rid of her. When you finally do make money she’s gonna bleed you. She just showed you what she’s all about.
I bet its because of tik tok. Plesse guys never take relationship advice from tik tok
“No.”
Stop doing any of this kind of thing for her. Your finances are infinitely more important than these things for her.
If she complains, cut contact completely for a few days. She’ll straighten her shit out real quick.
If the person you’re with can’t recognize and accept your limited means…you need to have a serious conversation about this. I’m currently the GF in this situation—my bf is finishing up college, and I never put financial expectations on him. He does what he can, and in the meantime, I love treating him. Wouldn’t be fair to expect him to put in as much financially as someone working full time. If your gf can’t understand that…idk, seems like a superficial relationship, and she can go date someone else…you have at least two more years of this
“If you need me to spend money I don’t have to prove that I care about you, then I have to question whether you care about me or my wallet. Because if it’s my wallet I’m with the wrong person but if it’s me then please stop asking for things I can’t afford”
too young for this crap just dump her and focus on school. it’ll make your life so much easier
Have you told her any of this? Communication didn’t kill the cat.
How much is she offering to contribute to the vacation? Like is she trying to convince you to go and you’ll go halfsies on it, or is she expecting you to pay the whole thing? Does she have a specific destination in mind?
If there’s a way to compromise, it could be doable. “I can’t afford a vacation like that, but we could go to (cheaper/closer/shorter) vacation instead.” A long weekend at a close place you can get on Groupon might be doable when a multiple day resort stay plus a plane ride might not be. If she’s insisting on the more expensive one, she could pay the difference since you can’t afford the vacation she has in mind.
On the other hand, if she’s expecting you to pay the full thing.. hard no. I can’t imagine asking a boyfriend to pay for me to go vacation, I’d feel guilty as hell accepting something like that even if they *could* afford it! She’s just showing her true colors and seeing how much she can guilt you into, if that’s the case.
I’m saying this to be honest, not rude. If she was materialistic, then she wouldn’t be dating a guy who can’t afford her materialism. I don’t know her social media usage, and neither do the other Redditors trying to convince you that it is social media, but it’s more than just following influencers or what she sees on social media. She has a case of FOMO. She thought that she can wait it out for two more years to have fun vacations and go all out for each other during the holidays, but she’s thinking about all that she’s missed out on waiting. What standard of living did her parents provide her while she was growing up?
This happened to me. Went to DR with her family and then Mexico… 3 months later I was dumped.
Important to note she was horrible with money, couldnt hold down a min wage job, and was not going to school.
Don’t let this happen to you boys 😂.
She is your girlfriend, not your wife/long-term partner.
She wants a vacation? “Where do you want to go? Mexico? Okay, how much is it going cost? How much have you put away for that?” Put it on her to justify why its worth the money, cost, and how much she is covering. If she turns around and has 0$, ask her why she expects you to pay. If she has 75%, discuss why you can’t afford it right now (or if you can, and want to go, great.) If her answers are anything about “You are the guy.” “I am your queen” “Don’t you love me?!” … Tell her she needs to upgrade to an adult, or find someone who doesn’t actually want a relationship with her and just her ass.
After that topic, set some clear boundaries. “Hey, I got tuition and want to make sure I can eat over the next 2 years of school. I don’t want to take on any debt if I can help it so I am gonna be sticking pretty strict on where I am splurging.”
Holidays? Set a budget. Figure out that max you both are willing to spend on each other (Say, $50.) Decide if you want to pool the money and do a bigger thing, or just buy small gifts for each other. If she is not willing to spend on you, she should never ASK you to spend on her.
With the way the economy is going, you are better off finding ways to drop cost so you are better off when you finish college.
She may just be feeling the “I want to DO something” because people are constantly told travel when young, do stuff before you settle down, live life, etc. Maybe a big vacation trip is out of the question, but both of you can find a nice place/hotel/resort to go to for a weekend. Maybe is just planning a camping trip, or a hike.
In the end, never allow someone else to determine where your money goes unless you share finances\bills\house\children or you have fully discussed and agreed to that situation.
Communication, is really the only answer.
Doing the small things, favorite coffee, making a new dinner together, planning a big platter of foods and movie night, hey its your period I brought over Chinese food and chocolate, random things that are not big but add up over time.
I have been with my husband for 12 years, the biggest thing I want from him? The small things. The attention.
Plan a celebration trip for when you are both done college and working. Discuss that. “Hey, when we are done school, lets each put 5% of our income away for 6 months, and see where it can take us!”
You’re still working on yourself. I’ve been in this situation before so I understand what your going through. There’s not much you can do if she wants what she sees on social media. You can tell her all you want but she’s not going to get that out of her mind. You’ll just end up making a mistake or putting yourself in debt to please her.
You’ll bump heads the longer you stay together. Best of luck OP.
You break it off thats what 🤷
You’re in school still, if the expectations as to what you can afford aren’t already there she might need a reality check.
You just need to have a serious conversation with her where you communicate clearly.
“I’m in school, I can only afford so much. This is out of my budget at this time in my life. When I graduate college and have my career we can take a trip. For now, let’s set goals and a bucket list of places to visit.”
Let her know it’s not that you don’t want to, it’s that you can’t at this time. Make it something you can both work towards together. It’ll be that much more exciting when you get there.
All the best to you.