Met my husband when we were 22 and married a year later. Everything was great. We never fought and everything just seemed to fall into place. Never had any doubts about him before.
Three months after being married and he goes away on a business trip for work to Japan. I’m missing him and can’t sleep at all. I decided one night to eat dinner in his home office at his desk. I knew the room smelt like him and I just wanted to feel like he was there. I open up his browser and see explicit searches in his history. This is after he told me he was tired and would be going to bed. He lied about going to bed. I wasn’t too upset because maybe he was just embarrassed to say he would be masturbating. Then I saw he bought custom photos from feet models and sent them explicit messages. Like dirty things he wanted to do with them that he’s never said to me. I felt sick to my stomach and threw up my dinner. I stayed up all night figuring out how I was going to confront him that I’m not okay with this and that this is a serious deal-breaker.
He comes home and I’m so sleep deprived and tired that I just can’t say anything. I’ve always been the woman who avoids confrontation at all cost. I just pretend going forward that nothings going on.
A few years later I caught him sending nudes to a foot model from some NSFW subreddit. He apologised and said he wouldn’t do it again. He generally felt sorry and cried his heart out on me. Never giving a real reason as to why he did it. Just that this model asked him. I love him so much so I brushed it off.
Now last year I caught him talking to a couple of the models again. He swears he’s not bought feet pics or nudes from them and that they are just friends. This is when I exploded and let it all out. I said there’s no way you can just be friends with those kinds of people. He immediately deleted Snapchat and his Reddit account.
I thought things were good but now he’s got a new Reddit account. I don’t know the username. I just know he’s always on it browsing random subs. Snapchat doesn’t appear to have returned on his phone.
Now whenever he’s on his phone I get really anxious. I’m worried he will go back to texting models or buying pics. It’s like I’m on edge and I get a feeling like I can’t trust him because of the past. He says we don’t need therapy and that I just need to trust him.
I don’t want to be like those women that snoop all the time on their husband’s phone but I don’t know what to do. Advice?
EDIT: This is not a sex issue as I am more than happy to indulge in his fetish. I would bend over backwards for it but he’s not into foot play and the like. He only likes looking at feet.
8 comments
Divorce. This man repeatedly lied to you and hid stuff from you, and no, they are not his “friends.” You feel like you can’t trust him because you can’t. He has proven time and time that he is not worthy of your trust. If he’s not willing to go to therapy, the only thing to do is to leave.
Divorce. This man repeatedly lied to you and hid stuff from you, and no, they are not his “friends.” You feel like you can’t trust him because you can’t. He has proven time and time that he is not worthy of your trust. If he’s not willing to go to therapy, the only thing to do is to leave.
He’s gone behind your back FOUR TIMES that YOU KNOW OF, guarantee there are more times. The man isn’t going to stop. He’s fine lying to you.
You have ABSOLUTELY no trust in him and he’s proved you right. Tell him what you want and don’t want and tell him it’s a separation or divorce. He’s not going to stop and he is cheating and he IMO opinion WANTS to hurt you further.
There’s nothing we can say that will change your mind or tell you something you don’t know. You willingly choose to stay over and over while he cheats.
He’s not “just friends” with these women. If they are selling pictures online, they are doing it mainly for the money, not to make friends. If he is sending nudes to one of these models, it’s likely they were having an online relationship, possibly with her as a Dominatrix and him as her submissive.
It’s telling that he wouldn’t discuss why he was involved with these “models” or what he was getting out of those interactions. It may be that he likes the secretiveness, or that he wants something he’s afraid to ask you for. But that’s no excuse for his actions or behavior.
He hasn’t been honest with you about all of this either. Nor has he told you why he is seeking out these models. Instead, he has played on your emotions by crying his heart out and generally feeling sorry. But he continues to do these things despite the fact he knows you aren’t OK with all of this.
My ex, who did much the same as your husband, also told me I just needed to trust him. We did go to therapy, but my ex was not as committed to making therapy work as I was. I divorced him 19 years ago and never looked back.
You deserve to have a partner that is honest and trustworthy. You don’t deserve living in a state of constant anxiety and worry, with a partner you don’t trust. You also deserve to have a partner that is honest with you.
If you want to try to work things out with your husband, therapy is necessary. It’s not optional. But if he won’t go, you definitely should. You need to learn how to advocate for yourself and to clearly define boundaries in your relationships.
But honestly, if he’s been doing this for years, you need to seriously consider whether or not you should stay with him.
*edited for spelling.
This will sound like I’m blaming you, but trust me when I say that 100% of the blame for this inappropriate behavior lies with your husband. He’s a grown man who knows what he’s doing fits your (and most peoples’) definition of cheating, and he keeps doing it anyway.
The problem is that you’ve taught him that your objections to this behavior will just be vocal and temporary and then he can return to doing whatever he wants without fear of any further consequences. Every time you’ve told him this is a big issue that’s potentially a dealbreaker for you he has made a few insincere apologies and only mildly modified his behavior, and in response every time you’ve allowed things to return to the status quo. From his perspective he thinks you getting frustrated and making an unenforced ultimatum or two is the maximum amount of pushback he’s going to get for what he’s doing, which means from his point of view there’s no reason not to keep doing it because he knows you’re not going anywhere.
I think it’s past time to shake that confidence a bit. Sit him down some time when you HAVEN’T just caught him (people get defensive when caught in the act and it rarely leads to productive conversations, particularly the kind you two need to be having…instead talk to him when things are calm) and tell him that your trust has been betrayed too many times and you need some time to think about the future of this relationship. Then leave. Pack a few bags and go stay with a friend or a family member. If he texts tell him you need time to think and block him.
I’m not suggesting you bluff, by the way. No one should ever bluff about ending a relationship, because someone might call it. I’m suggesting you seriously take this time apart to think. You’ve been married for about 16 years, right? Do you want to continue having to play detective with your husband every minute of every day for the rest of your lives just to make sure he’s staying out of trouble? Do you want to have to worry about what he’s up to every time he leaves for a business trip? Do you want to have to keep searching his phone regularly for contraband? Basically does a marriage where you’re the warden and he’s the criminal sound appealing to you? I’m guessing not. Really seriously think about this and how much more of it you’re willing to tolerate that.
Then once you’re done thinking go home and tell him what you decided. He should have been doing some thinking during this period too, about what his marriage is worth to him vs. what trading nude pics to semi-anonymous people on the internet is worth to him. If your decision is “I’ll stay if this STOPS, for good, otherwise I’m gone” and his is “I have to stop this or I’ll lose my wife” then great, you’re on the same page. Sign up for some marriage counseling. If you’re not on the same page then it’s time to make some tough decisions.
I mean, he’s a serial cheater at this point and proven his words and promises mean nothing so he won’t stop. You can’t do anything besides divorce or being resigned to your husband cheating on you.