Cross-posted in parenting.
tl;dr – our 5 year old daughter prefers to be with her visiting aunt all the time even when aunt is tired and needs privacy. Aunt likes the attention but it can get too much at times and her husband then plays the “enforcer” locking their guestroom door. We know it is “new” but aunt is not a good model in our view.
Context:
We (parents) are Deaf and use American Sign Language at home. Rest of our family are are all hearing and live outside USA. They all speak French & English to varying degrees. Wife’s younger sister & family (2 kids under 4 and husband) are visiting for \~2 weeks. Our 5 year old became attached to her aunt and now aunt’s husband locks their room for privacy periodically.
Main issues are the aunt is not a good guest or model – interrupts by speaking when we are signing to kids (stopped after we pointed it out a few times), minimal cleaning up after meals, asks us to do money transfers to avoid ATM fees for herself, refuses to activate roaming on phones to save money (causes delays as she has to follow us in her rental) and expects us to follow her instead of communicating clearly. All minor inconveniences that added up in the past week.
Example: we went to a large outdoor Xmas event and advised them to bring their stroller. They just “knew” a stroller was not needed and when their youngest fell asleep, we lent them our stroller. After a bit we stopped for a restroom break and they took off without waiting for us. Per my wife, her sister has always been like this and sees herself as better/more accomplished due to being hearing.
We know it is good for kids to explore/build many relationships – however, we also do not want her to run after others and recognize when/if someone does not want to spend time with her. Our goals is for her to:
\- prioritize family and existing relationships instead of running after new exciting thing
\- recognize and back off from folks who do not reciprocate her affections or grant her the same importance.
Note – She was similarly attached to grandparents when they visited. No issues since grandparents always made time for kids and were great guests all around.
4 comments
So, what talks have you had with your daughter about this? Five is old enough for a basic talk about consent and leaving people alone when they indicate they want to be. How interacting should be fun for everyone, and she should be able to get space from others when she wants it, and she needs to give them space when they want it, and find other things to do or other people to interact with when someone else needs their space. How it’s normal for people to need time to themselves to unwind and it’s normal to want to divide your time among multiple people and not always spend it with any one person, even if you love that person very much.
She’s five so new and different people are exciting and interesting. My nephew is seven and lives in a different country to me, when I visit and he’s a lot my brother in law just tells him to leave us alone and do something else. Kids can be spoken to clearly
You need to have a conversation with your daughter. There should be an explanation about being too attached to guests to the point of exhaustion. She isn’t the victim here when they close the door, but because of her age it’s the perfect time to parent- she needs to learn how to recognize boundaries and when she is impeding on them.
I do have a question, the way your daughter attaches herself to visiting guests I’m curious if she is of hearing and if there is some underlying need that’s being missed here.
Man, this is a tough situation. It sounds like your sister-in-law is being pretty disrespectful and not really considering your family’s needs or comfort. It’s understandable that you want your daughter to be able to have positive relationships with her aunt and cousins, but it’s also important for her to learn how to set boundaries and recognize when someone isn’t treating her well.
One thing you could try is setting some clear boundaries with your sister-in-law. Maybe have a conversation with her about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior in your home, and make sure she understands that you expect her to be a more considerate guest. You could also try setting some limits on how much time your daughter spends with her aunt and cousins, and make sure she has plenty of time to spend with other family members and friends who are more respectful and supportive.
It might also be helpful to involve your daughter in this process, so she can learn how to advocate for herself and communicate her own boundaries and needs. Encourage her to speak up if she feels uncomfortable or doesn’t want to spend time with her aunt and cousins, and praise her for being assertive and standing up for herself.
Overall, it’s important to prioritize your daughter’s well-being and make sure she is surrounded by people who treat her with respect and kindness. It might be tough to navigate this situation with your sister-in-law, but it’s worth it in the long run to help your daughter develop healthy relationships and learn how to take care of herself.