Hi, there! I’ll try to keep this post as brief as possible. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and 2 years ago I started feeling like something had changed. It all started when I underwent an emergency appendectomy while living together. My mother, who lived near our house, used to pass by everyday to check on me and bring us supplies so he didn’t have to go out. These visits had been agreed upon previously, of course. All of a sudden, when my mom came, he mistreated her, he began complaining about having to help me shower and didn’t clean the house at all. I had an open wound in my belly, so hygiene was quite important. He cooked, and thought it was enough. I got kind of pissed, and talked about it, but didn’t give it much thought back then because it was the first time something like this happened and I honestly thought he was just overwhelmed.
Thing is, ever since then, he absolutely stopped doing any of the things he did before. He slept until the afternoon, he never went to bed with me, he stopped planning things, and if I needed his help with any chore, I had to practically beg for him to do it. I brought these issues up quite a lot of times, but he slowly started blaming it all on me. If I wanted to go to bed together at least once a week, I was needy. If I told him he wasn’t doing much when it came to chores, he told me I just needed to ask. So on and so forth. One day, he started blaming it all on my anxiety. I’m currently on WellButrin, so I’m feeling a lot better. But I’m starting to believe he got used to guilt tripping me.
Which brings me to Christmas Eve. I spent the morning at my parents’ and then came back home. He had had lunch a few hours ago, and still the dishes and utensils were dirty on the table (weaponized incompetence?) and when I called him out on it, he went bonkers. He gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the afternoon. I wrapped my gifts, showered, put my make up on and got everything ready to leave. We were spending the evening at his parents’. We got on the car, and he started getting mad at everything. He screamed at the radio, cursed at the traffic, hit the handle. And suddenly said if I was doing it on purpose to fuck up Christmas for him. I was in awe and told him I was not taking the blame, that I just called him out on something we’d agreed couldn’t happen. Silence. After a few minutes, he started crying (manipulating me?) and saying he couldn’t stand life anymore.
We arrived at his parents’ house and he acted like nothing happened. Yesterday, he came to me, hugged me and apologised. An now I’m left feeling, for the first time, that I might be in an abusive relationship that got toxic in such a slow manner that I didn’t see it coming. I need advice, but please don’t be harsh, I’m in quite a sensitive state right now and don’t know what to do.
TL;DR: my boyfriend started mistreating me and I think he might be manipulative
7 comments
Might be?
MIGHT BE?
Please tell me you’re getting ready to dump him.
I’m sorry to hear about all that drama. It sounds like your boyfriend’s behavior has changed a lot since your appendectomy and he’s not being very supportive or considerate of your needs. And it also sounds like he’s trying to manipulate and gaslight you by making you feel like it’s your fault and then crying and apologizing. That’s not cool at all.
It’s important to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness in any relationship. If your boyfriend can’t do that, it might be time to reevaluate things. Have you tried talking to him about how his behavior is making you feel? It might be helpful to set some boundaries and make it clear that certain behaviors are not acceptable. If he’s not willing to listen and make changes, it might be time to consider moving on. It’s not easy, but you deserve to be in a healthy and supportive relationship. Stay strong.
As soon as I would have seen his lack of support and empathy after a surgery, I would have walked OP.
You are going to feel so, so, free when you dump all the dead weight of this relationship. Just think about it – only cleaning up after yourself. Not having to tiptoe aroud his insane ego. Not being on edge all the time wondering when he’ll start screaming or crying. You don’t owe him anything, you’re not a bad person for leaving him to live in his own filth. You don’t even know how good life can be. Just kick him out and breathe.
you’re in a toxic relationship and should consider leaving.
You are correct. He is manipulative. He’s also pretty amateur about it.
If he wanted to go pro, he could have done some shit like convinced you that your mom started an argument over something related to one of your insecurities after planting seeds about it for a few months, but he doesn’t seem that creative or dedicated to the craft.
Yes you’re in an abusive relationship.
Ramping it up slowly is usually how they do it so that you don’t realise. It’s also normal to ramp it up when you’re at a new level of dependence on them (like you just moved in or got married). That’s probably why it increased when you were recovering. Apologising and acting extra good for a while is also part of the cycle of abuse – without this, most people would leave abusive relationship. This phase draws you back in.
Unfortunately it won’t get better, you will have to break up with him.
The book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker really helped me understand the cycle and all the intricacies and the roots of abusive behaviour. The root of abuse isn’t anything you’ve done, it’s actually based on entitlement. Entitlement to treat you however he wants.
I’m sorry and it’s not your fault. Please keep yourself safe while planning to leave.