I(28f) have never been close with my parents (60f and 60m). Due to Covid and life in general, I’ve been pretty low contact with them for a couple years now.
Growing up, my mom was always quick to anger, while simultaneously being uninterested in our lives. I have a twin sister, T, who bullied my older sister B and I relentlessly. She would routinely find ways to upset us, and whenever my sister and I reacted our parents would say we were just doing what she wanted, and that we needed to stop letting her “push our buttons”. When I graduated highschool I moved to the other side of the country for university.
When I finished my schooling I attempted to reconnect with them. I was hopeful that I had matured with age and that my sister and my parents weren’t as I remembered them. In a way, I was right. My sister had developed a drinking problem and my parents had become more bigoted. My dad told me she was cruel, refused treatment, that she routinely made my mother cry. She lived with my parents, bullying them the same way she had previously bullied my sister and I. I believe my parents enabled her cruel behavior. They say she’s sick.
I’ve been trying to go low contact over the last couple off years. My parents still show up unannounced, and I still get guilted into going to family events. “You’ll make your mom feel bad”, “you’ll ruin your dad’s evening”, “it’s selfish not to come”. I’m done. My boyfriend told me I’m not responsible for their happiness, and I guess that was what I needed to hear.
Over the last couple of years they’ve been becoming increasingly racist, transphobic, and hate-filled. I’m a member of the LGBTQ community. They hate every aspect of my lifestyle. They’ve offered to pay for me to remove my tattoos. After the absolute disaster that was this holiday season I’ve decided my best option is to fully commit to going no contact with them.
How do I tell them this? Should I even tell them? My mother isn’t above calling the cops. She’ll convince herself I’m a danger to myself if I don’t answer her calls. My lease ends in a month and I plan on moving and not giving them my address. I’m not sure what else to do. I don’t think our relationship is salvageable.
1 comment
Good for you. I had to do something similar.
Change your address and phone number. Alert local authorities, so they know you are safe and may get a call from your mother. Make sure your address and number (personal info) isn’t available anywhere online (or offline – don’t tell other family members details that they can’t keep!)
They won’t understand you cutting them out and won’t be receptive. I don’t know if you should call them. Perhaps a short but to the point letter?
After I let go of toxic formerly beloved family, and in turn became much less stressed and anxiety ridden. Now I have some peace of mind. I am so grateful I did that for myself.