My boyfriend and I love each other a lot, we have a good relationship and we want to be and live together. However we are more like best friends, or even like mother/son, except we do cuddle and when I initiate, we do kiss and “a bit more”, and then around 10-20 times a year we have sex but only blowjobs, as that is the only type of sex he wants and we have ever tried, other than that we are both virgins. I’ve asked him for years to touch me, but he simply doesn’t want to. I’ve never been fingered or fingered, and I think that’s why he’s also unsure to do it when I don’t know how myself, but also he truly just doesn’t want to. Because I never had sex, it’s not as if I have a huge unmet need or anything like that, however sex is something I’ve been wanting to try, and just the whole physical aspect in general. We’ve been together 18 years, I was in love with him for 12 years (long distance) but he claims to have never been in love with me. I’ve talked to him for years about it, after a while he started to say that he wants to try to have sex, but it’s always in the future and pretty clear that he doesn’t actually want it, and then of course I don’t want either unless he wants to as well. Around 2 years ago, I met this guy who’s a little bit older than me and we had amazing sexual chemistry. I immediately told my boyfriend, and I was extremely freaked out since I never had feelings for anyone else than my boyfriend before. I told my boyfriend that I thought it was biological since even at that time, it had become very apparent that we weren’t going to have sex (he said to me at that point that he didn’t want to have sex with me directly). So I thought my attraction to the other man was probably my body trying to make a baby since I was already 28 years old by then. Since then our sex life is no different, we have still had sex around 10-20 times in the form of blow jobs and nothing else. He has stated that he feels more attracted and turned on by me now though, than before. I’m very loyal and also completely open with my boyfriend. I truly want sex with my boyfriend, I love my boyfriend and I am very attracted to him. However he just doesn’t possess those emotions for me, and I don’t have much hope left for when it will happen. He doesn’t have any romantic or attracted feelings for me, other than I’m a woman (he’s even told me this directly as well so I’m sure). I also don’t like the idea of an open relationship, however, I really feel like I want to try to have sex, I’m already 30 years old, and my boyfriend really doesn’t want to and I don’t actually mind that much, as long as I can be with him. However, he also doesn’t want me to have sex with someone else. I would never leave my boyfriend for anyone, I just want to have sex, or find a sex partner. What should I do? Should I ask my boyfriend (again) if I can have sex with someone else, persuade him to have sex with me (I really don’t want to have sex with him if I can sense that he’s just doing it for my sake/pressure) or just accept that I’m in a sexless relationship possibly forever?
TL;DR My only boyfriend of 18 years still doesn’t want sex with me. I’ve waited for years and think he just doesn’t want to even though he’s not asexual. I’m not sure what to do, because I love my boyfriend but also want to experience sex before I’m too old, as I’m now 30 years old (he is too). Should I ask him (again) if I can have sex outside of our relationship, accept that I might not experience sex, try something to persuade him to have sex with me or something else?
And of course when I ask if I can have sex with another man/other men, he could have sex with other women if he wants as well, he doesn’t want that
25 comments
You’ve waited almost 2 whole *decades*. It’s crystal clear he isn’t going to do it with you. I would definitely end it.
“it’s not as if I have a huge unmet need”
You do. Sex is primal and fundamental. Most people need it like they need food.
You also said that your relationship is more like brother/sister – without sex, it’s definitely not really boyfriend/girlfriend.
Your love might be strong, but it isn’t romantic love. This is a deep friendship, which has its own value.
But you clearly need more. You won’t want to do it, but I say you should find courage and end it and see what is out there in the world.
I suspect that you might be able to eat your cake and have it in this case as your relationship at the moment has non romantic foundations.
Okay, so you said that you “love each other a lot” but then you went on to say “but he claims to have never been in love with me.”
He has told you he doesn’t love you, and he has told you that he isn’t attracted to you both sexually and physically.
You don’t have a boyfriend. You have a guy that you have wasted 18 years of your life pining after, and he has strung you along.
Just end things, this is never going to get better.
He’s saving himself for marriage.
I’m sorry but this is really quite unusual and doesn’t sound healthy. I would guess if possible some therapy might be in order, but certainly you need to leave this relationship in order to have a sex life.
Well that was 18 years wasted.
End this nonsense and go find someone who actually wants you.
>he claims to have never been in love with me
I can’t believe it didn’t end the moment he said that.
Your problem is that you’ve been together practically your whole lives, you have no idea what life is like without him. You two are in some sick co-dependent mess that masquerades as a relationship. And that’s scary. But he’s just a sibling at present (to whom you give blowjobs, ok, but apart from that). He’s selfish sexually.
He doesn’t LOVE you for god’s sake.
How have you been 18 years together when you are 30 years old?
He has zero interest in sex, either live with it or leave him. I promise you that the first time you have [good] sex you will never good back to a sexless relationship
Seriously you gotta end things with this guy. He said he straight up doesn’t love you and isn’t attracted to you at all. Harsh reality check but dump his ass
Take care dear, he may not like sex. If you do and it’s something you want in your life then y’all may not be compatible.
fortunately you dont have to worry about breaking up, because you two dont have anything to break up, never had. you guys are a great fit, for friends.
keep the relationship (friendship) same as usual. but install tinder and seek love, humans deserve partners and love and so far you havent had any, you are still young, youve got this
He’s either gay and used you as a cover and he may be leading a double life. Or he’s asexual and lied about it the entire relationship. Let him go and finds someone who worthy of you.
Stop wasting your life on this guy.
Why have you waited 20 years for one man to have sec with you when he’s told you he doesn’t find you attractive , nor does he love you? Im so lost on how you can want to hang on to a “relationship” like this when you’re just a roommate who occasionally provides a blowjob. What is there to hang on too? Do you not want to find someone that desires you? Do you not want to at least find someone who even values you? This isn’t a relationship.
Your wasting your time on someone who isn’t in love with you and won’t miraculously fall in love with you. Cut the ties and find someone who does.
Honey, this man is never going to give you what you need. Maybe he can’t, maybe he won’t. But after this long, things aren’t getting better. He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t want to have sex with you. It’s clear you love him desperately and are devoted to him. You deserve that back. He can’t give that to you.
I think you would benefit from seeing a counselor to discuss how you have allowed this to happen. You need to understand yourself, and figure out how to make your desires clear.
Obviously this is not going to fix your relationship with your buddy, but it may prove very valuable as you move forward to seek the life you want.
been together for 18 years and “I was in love with him for 12 years (long distance)”?
This math is confusing.
So your boyfriend has never touched YOU sexually, ever, in 18 years but you give him blow jobs?! You’ve let him use you for years while never ever getting anything in return?! Why are you accepting and staying in this absolute garbage relationship??
I don’t want to be harsh, but none of the above. Leave him. He has made it clear he will never have sex with you and you have made it clear that you want to have sex. You need to prioritize yourself and your life before this relationship. Otherwise you will grow resentment towards one another and be not only abstinent, but unhappy in every other aspect of the relationship as well. Do yourself a favor and see what else is out there. I’m sure you can find plenty of great people that could be great partners AND want to have sex with you. Sending love and good luck!
This is not a healthy relationship. He doesn’t love or want you.
The bar is in hell, seriously. You are worth so much love and good sex OP, you are looking for it all in the wrong place!
Have you considered that your bf is asexual?
you’re mistaking comfort for love. move on. you’ll find comfort and be happy in love with someone that deserves you.
He said he isn’t in love with you or physically attracted to you. Listen, life is short. Finding someone who loves you and WANTS to have sex with you. It is a beautiful thing your missing out on.
Frankly the relationship sounds exhausting. My self esteem would be shot too. You can stay. But things will be the same. Accept it or move on. It will hurt but once you find someone sexually compatible you will wonder why you waited so long.
Honey. Noooo.
This is in NO way shape or form normal. This is shockingly abnormal.
I don’t have any advice for you, really, just hoping the best for you and sending you love – and want to make sure you know that this is sooooooooooooo incredibly not normal.
Not to shame either of you – his sexual preferences are his sexual preferences. But this is a whole other level of unreasonable expectations on his part.
Edit: I’m not calling you honey out of condescension, my heart just genuinely hurts for you rn and I wish I could give you a big hug.