My wife and I usually shower our two young girls in the tub. This is what we’ve typically done since the first and oldest was born. My wife does on occasion shower with the girls and (important note) I have never showered with them. Mostly just because I’m a guy and not 100% comfortable with it. We’ve never discussed it in detail but it’s been something that’s just the way we do things but my wife knows that I have never showered with my 2 girls.
We’re with our mother in law for the holidays and I find out from my little brother in law (who is 5 years old) that the girls are in the shower with my mother in law, their grandmother. This immediately caught my attention because the girls have never showered with anyone other than mom. I went to talk to my wife to in fact confirm if grandma is showering the kids or in the shower WITH the kids. Wife says grandma is in the shower with the girls (all naked obviously nobody wearing swim suits or anything).
This is immediately alarming to me, not because I have any problems with my mother in law or anything but because they girls have only ever showered with mom. I told my wife that I would like to have been considered or asked how I feel before she made that decision on her own. Like for example like I would probably say something to my wife if I ever wanted to shower with my daughters for the first time, for some reason. She said it’s not a big deal and that I should say something because my anatomy is the same but grandma gets an automatic pass.
Have any families gone through this? Any advice? My wife seems to be mad at me that I initially felt uncomfortable with grandma showering with the girls without my knowledge. I’m not sure how to react or approach the subject. I guess I would have just liked to have been asked my feelings as her partner and dad to my kids for something like this.
28 comments
Daughters are 8 months and 2.5 years old to add context. Thanks anyone for their input
I don’t think it would bother me, but I get why you wish she would have at least checked with you first.
I mean… your MIL carried those babies inside her body at one point (the eggs that became them were already present inside your wife when she was in her mother’s womb). It’s just showering. It’s completely practical to shower with them, and completely impractical to do so with clothes on. I don’t see the issue at all. Not trying to be judgemental about your being thrown off by it, I just don’t know why our culture is so weird about this stuff. Maybe a heads up from your wife would have been nice but I don’t see how it would have been absolutely necessary to clear this with you.
Honestly idk how I’d feel about that. It’s odd, but your right your wife at the very least should have asked for your input. You have just as much of a say as she does.
I can empathize with you OP. I come from a nevernude kind of family, very uptight- this sort of thing would be completely unthinkable for us. Would never happen. My mom never showered with us and I’ve never showered with my kids. If my MIL showered with my kids, my first instinct would be panic.
That being said, not every family is like that- for them this sort of thing is something you don’t think twice about or even question- sounds like your wife’s family is like that. It would have never occurred for her to ask you because it’s *so* normal to her.
I think it would be best to put aside whether or not you think she should have asked you first and have a talk about what to do going forward. Express your discomfort and find compromise.
OP, I don’t think you realize how little any of this nakedness would mean to children this age. Or, how common it was/is for women to shower naked with toddlers and infants. It’s just a matter of convenience and logistics. You are assigning something else, weird in your mind, to this very common practice. You do understand that your children will have no actual memory of this event, correct?
Your MIL gave your wife the night off from bath duties. Since you’ve never showered with babies or toddlers, let me tell you, it’s not fun. Unless you’re offering to do the bath routine to give your wife a break, I think you need to put up or shut up.
Also, it’s really odd to be concerned about them seeing her naked. My kids aren’t even little anymore and I couldn’t care less if they see me in a state of undress. Like, they came out of me, if I want to change pants in the kitchen, I will.
I’m a woman and I feel the same way as you. I think you should discuss it with your partner and then your kids so there is a simple, clear rule. For me, that boundary helped until my daughter was old enough to understand good and bad touches and body autonomy. For example, it could be “only parents can bathe you.” Or “grandma can take showers with you but nobody else, and remember you can always come to us if you have any questions about it” or whatever.
Many, many cultures are comfortable with nudity. Asian spas, Scandinavian saunas, etc. Heck – the locker room at the gym!
My grandmother took baths with us when we were little, up until we didn’t want to. She would blow the best soap bubbles. Her mastectomy scar helped shape my understanding of people having individual, unique bodies. It was fine.
FWIW, I think you are also totally OK to shower with your kids. Up until they don’t want to. Anatomy is just anatomy – bodies are just bodies. There isn’t anything emotional or sexual about it unless that’s imposed. Which grandma isn’t, and you aren’t.
So – deep breaths. You can approach this from a “because my background is more uptight, I need a bit of handholding to be comfortable with things, and would appreciate a heads up or quick discussion so I can mentally adjust” perspective, which is reasonable. She’s probably turned off by the gut “ahhhhh!” reaction and you could ask for a reset. How would you reasonably want to be approached in the future?
Oh darlin she’s their grandma, she’s not just some random family member! She carried and birthed your wife and has a bond that is unlike any other, your babies are an extension of herself. I agree with other comments saying to chat with your wife about your perspective and expectations, but be gentle and respect hers too, we’re all brought up with different taboo- my kids dad often showered his babies and their aunties would let them ruin their quiet bathtimes.
While I understand people being brought up differently surrounding topics of nudity and one’s own body I think it is incredibly important that our generation and the ones that come after us make a concerted effort to raise our children with the understanding that a body is just a body and nudity is completely natural up until they find discomfort in it within themselves. If we continue to project our own insecurities that we’re projected into us then we will remain in a generational loop of growing up thinking our bodies are something to be ashamed and embarrassed of. I found it strange to shower with my first born at first until I made an effort to normalise it. This was for my children’s sake. We have taught bodily autonomy and being the boss of our own bodies to our children and I wholeheartedly believe this is very important for our children to learn at a young age.
Relax, it’s a shower with the grandma. This doesn’t require a big discussion. The kids will be alright
I don’t think you are in the wrong. I personally wouldn’t allow either of my kids to shower with anyone else. Even my Mum who is their bestie! Just different boundaries. As parents my hubby and I have a veto rule. If both aren’t comfortable it’s a no.
You guys should have a conversation around things that need to be checked with each other first
I used to have baths with both my parents when I was little, also my brothers. Plus I ran around nude most of the time because I hated clothes for some reason lol. It’s their grandma, theres nothing weird about that IMO.
I’m surprised you care so much, they are just young kids ? Myself and husband showered with our daughters when little all the time, it’s just easier to shower the kids all at once.
I showered with my grandmother when I was young and stayed with her. It really varies family by family what people are comfortable with.
Communication is key, why would your wife even think to ask you about this, if to her this is a non issue? It probably never even crossed her mind you’d have a problem with it, it’s not like she maliciously ignored a veto or something.
From her perspective, it would be like asking you if grandma taking the kids to the park is okay. It’s something (to her) harmless enough to not warrant your explicit permission. Which is why, if this makes you uncomfortable, you have to bring it up to her without an accusatory tone of not having been asked.
Now, I personally agree with your wife that this is completely normal behavior and very cultural and personal. It’s okay for you to shower with your kids too. It’s not that deep.
Having a conversation with your wife about transparency and expectations is important. If we have cultural differences, we shouldn’t take them for granted and make an effort to bridge those gaps for understanding and be open to discussion. Honestly, I would never think to talk to my husband about this because it’s so normal for me and mine. I would definitely want him to speak up so we could discuss it if it made him uncomfortable.
Speaking as someone who grew up showing with the woman in my family, I can tell you that it was a definite factor in helping me be much less self conscious about my body and the changes that would happen later in life. A shower was a shower. If you were little and starting out, you were corrected in how you washed if you were missing spots. “See how mommy does it. Now you try.” Depending on where you lived, there was also the issues of short lived hot water.
I understand the concern really . I see people in the comments downplaying your concern saying “she’s their grandmother” like that’s suppose to mean something . Predators comes in all forms and you can’t trust nobody these days
It’s one of those cases where one parent has to make a judgment call, based on their best guess on how the other parent would likely see it.
I have to say that your reaction to it – although entirely within your rights – is a surprising one. I expect it’s quite uncommon. Your wife acted reasonably, but guessed wrong.
Luckily, it really isn’t a big deal.
I wouldn’t want my kids showering with their grandparents I see most people don’t feel that way but I do I’d be uncomfortable with it and since I’m uncomfortable with it it wouldn’t happen again I think if you’re uncomfortable with it you shouldn’t just be okay with it cuz most people are saying it’s not a big deal it doesn’t really matter if everyone is comfortable with it we’re all different and they’re your kids too not just your wife’s
Yup. I saw my grandmothers mastectomy scars, her fake boob (that she would throw at people (sister’s boyfriend) to freak them out. It gave me an understanding of her life that was etched across her body. It did me the world of good.
This seems like OP is making a massive deal out of nothing.
Lol a lot of y’all have seen naked grannies apparently. But anywho, it’s OKAY to also not want a family member to bathe with your kids. I would ALSO be very put off, you can teach kids to love their own bodies without strolling around naked in front of them. Not everyone wants to see their moms tatas, even if you think it’s healthy for them!
That’s definitely something you guys should speak about, and I’d ask her who else she feels comfortable with bathing them, cause I think only the parents should be doing that tbh. Obviously nudity shouldn’t be taboo, but I feel like soooo many people swing the pendulum exactly to the other side to prevent that, which can be a bit much. We don’t need to see auntie and grandma and sister and cousin naked to love ourselves.
Op communication with your wife for how you want things like this to go in the future is key. As with any issues regarding your kids you have to communicate with her. That said my little girl 3. Loves the shower or bath anytime she hears the water she tries to take one with the person. She loves bath time. She has stripped off herself and knocked on the shower door with both me and my mom. Also with her sister (9). It is just convenient when the child does take one with mom or this case grandma cause 1 mom got a break and 2 they probably wanted it and as a parent myself I will never tell my kid no you can’t take a bath/shower.
What exactly is the problem here?
My parents both were nude around us kids. Not only do i not see a problem with it, i see some benefits. Kids will at some point get in touch with porn and social media will frame their body image Further. It’s important and healthy for children to get an idea how a natural human body looks.
Really, only grown ups sexualize bodys. Kids won’t take harm simply from seeing genitals or naked body’s. Your body made them, seeing it won’t automatically be bad.
Grandma taking a shower with grandkids is perfectly normal to me.
Everybody is within their rights to feel weird about certain things. Although personally I think this is a strange hang up to have, however, given the fact that you cant shower with your own baby daughters and stay behind the curtain when your wife does (side note, thats very strange), your wife should be aware of your issues with showering naked with the kids, and you can use that discussion to lead to another one about other adults.
Im a single mom with 4 and 6 yo old boys. Everyone is fine. Breath..