TL;DR had a fling 2 years ago, didn’t work out. We still see eachother as friends and talk often / a lot of the time via text but we’re both in relationships and want to see if anyone whose been in that situation can share what their experience was and what I should do about mine – below details
Has anyone been in a relationship where they still see the person they last was intimate with before this relationship, and this person is also in their own relationship? For some background, we had a fling, but I ended it because he was trying to date two girls at once who the other girl is now his girlfriend of 2 years. We stopped talking for 2 months when I found out, but then I went through a traumatic health event and we started talking about it / he wanted updates of how I was doing. The heat was still there between us so we slipped a handful of times, multiple times saying he wants the best for me and won’t give me what I need. I was acting out of character because of what I went through, trauma makes you do what you want that feels good in the moment. We talked often but tried to switch to just a friendship. I had met someone since then and we moved in together. He is encouraging of my relationship and says it’s exactly what I need and what he couldn’t do for me and that he’s so happy. So now we are both in relationships, he even moved to a different state and is doing long distance. but we still talk often (maybe too often) and saw eachother for lunch during the holidays. we saw each other often the last few months too. It’s never stopped other than switching to friendship to respect our relationships. Neither of our SO’s know about this, and his SO would be fairly upset because she knew about me from the past. My SO might understand. I just wanted to see if others had been in a similar experience and could share theirs. I don’t want to lose my friend, it would mess me up and sometimes I don’t even understand why since I’ve with time let anyone else go in the past, with him it’s been years …
4 comments
If someone is a friend when I enter a relationship, then they’re going to be a friend when I’m in the relationship. We’ve defined the relationship to be friendship and my partners have to accept that (and *they’re really friends* at that point, so there’s no ex drama.) My partner has the opportunity to get over whatever residual programming she might have that this friend of mine is a threat, because we’re genuinely friends, whatever past feelings are past, and that’s that.
BUT …
That’s not your situation. You and this guy aren’t really friends. I mean, you’re friend*ly*, and that’s good, but let’s be honest. You’re lovers who have an on-again, off-again thing. You guys have a history of not respecting “friend” boundaries, and you feel obligated to be duplicitous about things for a reason.
For you to say “This guy is a friend,” is dishonest. It’s clearly not that, and that’s a problem.
Your “friend” doesn’t seem like a friend, but rather someone you wanted to keep flinging with but when it didn’t work out, you stopped talking to him and then decided to keep him around.
That’s a weird friend to keep around.
But yeah, I have a past fling that is a friend. I was in her wedding a few years ago.
My girlfriend presented me a case like yours after more of 1 year of relationship. Best friend who is an old ex fwb she talked by dm just at distance during years and even today. Sure she wouldn’t cheat, still I didn’t took it nicely since I would have like to know it before since apparently there was no threat. I’m no stupid I knew there was some emotional cheating there. Your friend and even yourself are putting yourselves in a difficult situation towards your respectives SO, the more you wait the worst it will be.
Be conscious that this silence will maybe ruin your relationships.
It sounds to me like you’re in denial. Sounds like you’re attracted to the sky still. Sounds like you’re just looking for excuses to play with fire and justify that you’re doing it. It sounds like the embers are in your hand and the floors got gasoline all over it. So I can’t sit here and tell you that it’s going to be safe to walk against that gasoline floor with all those embers in your hand. Unless you’re a pyro.
Know what I mean?
You’re trying to rationalize something that you know yourself has deception written all over it and the makings for relationship ending disaster.
My advice. Stop talking to the other guy. And deny yourself. Or let the partner go because as of right now you’re keeping a secret as we speak and that’s deception on its own merit.