What do you consider “controlling “?

3 comments

1. [removed]

2. I guess to some levels, the exact line depends on the person, you’re right.

   To me, a partner is controlling when they restrict who your friends are, have rules for your appearance, or demand things to be done a certain way about your personal life.

   I’m not poly but the poly community has this thing of making a distinction between rules and boundaries that I think is pretty useful : a rule is telling someone “you’re not allowed to see your ex”, a boundary is “Im not comfortable dating someone who is still very involved with their ex”. One of them is about telling the other what to do, and isn’t okay, the other one is about your personal choices and what you’re comfortable with, and if you treat it as that and not as an excuse to make rules, then I don’t think it’s controlling.

   Personally, I wouldn’t tolerate to be told how to dress, to be asked not to go to clubs, to be restricted in who I’m friends with, or to be told what career I can and can’t have, for example

3. When dating, if he tries to order your food, makes any kind of comment about how you wear your hair, or how you dress, or makes negative comments about your friends or family…HUGE RED FLAGS.

   Never, ever, allow a man to control your body or your finances. Unless you are married, your money is YOURS and he has no right to tell you what to do. Do not “change your mind” for a mans preferences. Don’t pretend you are happy with him, if you aren’t. Don’t stroke his ego or “king” him…that will just make his behavior worse. Don’t make excuses for his behavior or accept his excuses. Hold him accountable for his words and his actions.

   Set your boundaries early and often.

   For example:

   “Don’t call or text me after 8pm or before 8am.” He calls at 8:01 just to annoy you. Plays it of as “my clock said 8” That’s not the point, and he knows it. He could have called at 7.

   “I will order my own food.” You go to the bathroom and your order has been changed. Or he only orders food he likes for both of you, not taking into consideration what you like.

   “Do not make snide comments about my friends.” But he tries to convince you they are “coming between us” “your best friend is toxic” “your mother is abusive” “I’m just trying to protect us.” He’s isolating you from anyone who might help you leave him later, when he’s beathing you.

   Men who disrespect you will push or totally ignore your boundaries.

   You are not a child to be controlled. You are a grown woman. You don’t need approval or permission from anyone to do anything. If he’s treating you like a child, he’s being abusive.

   If he makes you feel like you have to ask to leave the house, spend time with anyone but him, or justify your actions, or explain why you did or didn’t do something, that’s really not okay. Healthy relationships are built on trust and respect.