I posted this in the entrepreneur subreddit but thought maybe you guys could help too?
Hello, I need some advice on something. I’m 30F and I recently went into business with a (male) friend.
I live in another state but this week I traveled to the state we will be doing business in. Since I’m only here for two weeks we’re cramming a lot of things in. I’m meeting a lot of people – potential investors, others in the same field, friends, lawyers, cpas, etc etc.
Upon meeting we obviously shake hands first but I’ve noticed once we have a conversation and develop a sense of knowing each other they often want to end with a hug. I’ve been participating bc I know that women in business really have to ~play the game~ and if you tell someone no it could hurt your relationship and rapport. Also women have been raised to people please and not cause waves and all that and I definitely feel that.
I’m posting for advice bc historically I’ve been told I’m very blunt and direct and sometimes I lack tact I guess. I need a way to tell these people no without damaging the way they see me. I don’t want them to think I’m weird or dramatic bc I just have a bubble I don’t even like my friends touching me tbh.
Another thing is I don’t drink alcohol when everyone I’ve met does. Once the drinks get going people are putting their arms around me, hanging off me, touching my arm while they’re talking. I move away but every time they creep closer until I’m literally against a wall.
I would love to (and am actually planning on in the future) to not attend events with excessive drinking. However I have a golf tournament Wednesday that I have to attend and every hole is a different cocktail. I would really love to assert my boundaries at this event.
I’ve even told some people that “I’m not touchy feely” but it has not helped.
This week has been a lot just in general but it’s all piling up in terms of my personal space and by the time I get back to my hotel room at the end of the night I immediately get in the shower and am just feeling really icky.
Please help.
6 comments
Male 25. If it makes you uncomfortable just tell them you are not a huggy person. Worked in marketing door to door for over 2 years, and at best end up with another handshake or a high five. Even in the office with people I grabbed beers with went to parties (both office and outside) and never felt the need to hug any of the women or the men that I work with or did business with.
If the interaction is over and you’re saying your goodbyes, perhaps you can be the first one to stick your hand out for a handshake and preempt any opportunity for a hug. That would be a gentle way of letting them know you’re not a hugger.
Or just say you’re not much of a hugger and do the handshake…if a woman said this to me I’d totally respect that.
Definitely don’t feel obligated to do any more than you’re comfortable. As for the alcohol / cocktails, perhaps you can make arrangements to have non-alcoholic beer (call it in beforehand if possible).
Are men hugging other men after meetings, or just women? Hugging seems like an odd/ unprofessional thing to do in a business setting regardless of gender.
What? I never heard of anybody being hugged after a business meeting. At a bar, touches and also hugs are quite common but after a business meeting? Ok, it can happen once or twice, but is it happening regularly? Weird.
Are you sure that you are not giving any signals or anything?
I knew a girl who always looked like she is flirting. Literally every guy I was talking with about her said she gave him an impression she is flirting, I also had the impression. But she wasn’t, after knowing her for a longer time, I am quite sure she wasn’t. It was just her default behavior and she probably did it subconsciously.
Anyway, I would probably just stick my arm into the handshake position immediately when they start to pull their “hug act”. And smile. The person should understand.
I had a new coworker and we went out to get know each other better. At the end, I do not know why I gave him a “bro handshake”, it was kinda awkward. But he just smiled, and proposed another but regular handshake and then said “that is better”. It was good recovery, it didn’t make me ashamed.
Very weird indeed. I’ve always been hand shaken after business meetings and drinks. People usually stay their distance at drinking events too. And usually if I don’t drink (driving or whatever) I just ask for a virgin cocktail and it’s enough to “pass” and just have a drink in hand. I wonder if it’s industry related and in some what you described happen more
I’ve been thru this. When you anticipate a hug is about to occur, stick your hand out, with your warmest smile. I drink sparkling apple juice in a champagne glass. Lots of little things like this.
I hope they come to realise what they are doing is not ok.