I (33F) am being faced with a possible breakup with my partner (35M). We’ve been together for 13 years, have lived together since 2011. He hasn’t been able to work extensively since finishing his studies a few years ago due to mental health issues and now also has a failed surgery from a month ago to deal with. He feel like he’s holding me back from being happy as we haven’t gotten married, been able to buy a house or have kids as I’ve been the breadwinner and he hasn’t been able to contribute, so is saying he wants to end things with me. I’ve told him before that I would stay by his side (and that hasn’t changed), so he feels like he has to be the one to push me away and end it.
I’m incredibly upset as I’ve supported him through so many tough times and we’ve experienced so much together, and thinking that the last 13 years may have been a waste is devastating for me. I understand he wants me to be happy, but I also want the same for him.
Our lease together ends in March. He joked that I should be joining dating apps but I can’t even fathom doing that while we’re still living together, it feels like too much of a betrayal.
He’s said that I’d be better without him previously and we’ve still been together as a couple, so part me is hoping it’s just him saying that because he feels crap from being about to start a new year with the prospect of having to go through another surgery. Is that being naive though?
Do I wait before doing anything further, or do I need to start mentally preparing myself for a break or breakup now? What do I do while we’re living together? I also am worried about what he’d do and where he’d go if we do go our separate ways once the lease ends given he’s not working while I have a secure full time job. This is also my only relationship and I’ve never been through a breakup, so I’m pretty terrified.
2 comments
I think the things he’s saying are not about you, but him.
I think he is the one fearing the breakup and this is his way of feeling you out and preparing himself.
Have an honest talk with each other about your own feelings, instead of filling in what the other one is thinking, without actual knowledge. Use a therapist to guide the convo if needed.
You only have one life. If you stay with him you will miss out on marriage, house and kids. 30 years from now after expending all your financial and emotional resources supporting him while ignoring your own dreams, wouldn’t you feel total resentment for him?
If he is suggesting that he wants to end things with you…. Take him up on that! Start looking for a new apartment. Sign a lease so that you have a solid commitment to leave- no backing out. And in March, start a new chapter in your life.
I left a long term relationship when I was close to the same age as you. Within a year of leaving I met the right person. We got married at age 34 and we had 3 kids in 6 years. I have no regrets about leaving that first relationship. She has her own life and her own problems…. I’m not responsible for both of us. I’m only responsible for me.
I don’t consider my old relationship as time wasted… I think if it as the path that I had to travel and lessons that I had to learn to get to where I am today. I’m thankful.